In pieces… Infertile

A little while ago, we went to a fertility show, just as a curious newly we’d lesbian couple. Just to see how much it might all cost.

They were giving out half price initial consultations including an internal scan. One of the exhibitors mentioned a test they can do to see how fertile you are… AMH – A hormone released by follicles in your ovaries.

There was no reason on Earth that a 25 year old should have that test. 25 year olds are generally in their prime but something told me to go to the appointment and get the AMH test (which was an extra 100 can I just add)

The clinic and the wife all tried to stop me getting the test saying your fine your young, no family history, lots of pregnancies etc etc. but something kept telling me to take it. So I did.

Scans came back normal lovely womb you have there the doc said!

The AMH – an indication of your egg reserve came back in a very low response group….

The clinic called me back thinking they had made a mistake and re-tested me for free and asked me to take a whole bunch of other tests. FSH, LH, and oestradiol. All hormone tests, which came back fine.

But my AMH came back even lower… Negligible…. That was New Years Day.

So today I got told that means I will be going through a very early menopause… Late twenties early thirties….

When I showed the doctor my results he actually swore… I’ve never heard a doctor swear before.

“Shit, that is low…. I’m referring you for urgent high priority IVF” the doc said.

I might only have a year or two supply of eggs left.

I’m 25.

I’m not sure what to write. I am an erratic eclectic mix of emotions.

Desperate
Shocked
Denial
Angry
Shocked
Denial
Upset
Scared
Confused

I’ve cried on an off for 2 days. One minute I’m fine the next I’m in pieces.

Doc said that I have to go for IVF now or it will be too late…

Too late… I’m 25.

We only went to the clinic as a random fact finding mission… I am not a huge believer of fate… But something told me to get that test… If I hadn’t I would never have known and it would have been too late.

I am hoping beyond hope that it’s not too late.

I don’t even think I’m ready for a baby… It wasn’t meant to be now… I was meant to buy a house… Go travelling… Go out….

I don’t know.

How life can change in an instant

I’m still waiting for that moment when someone turns round and says “only joking” but it’s not happened… And then I got referred for IVF… That’s when it became serious.

I just… I can’t…

Why me?

I’m broken, half a women. What’s wrong with me!

I am in pieces.

23 comments

      1. I know you are young, my friend was close to 40 so it was more normal, I guess. She went through all these exams and tried different methods to have a baby, she adopted. Think positive maybe there is treatment, wait to see what the doctor say.

          1. Exactly, it is true you need to be realistic but remember you are young that makes the difference my friend did not have choice, but she is happy with her little girl, so there is always hope.

  1. Having gone through infertility, I am going to offer 2 pieces of advice, neither of which you have to follow. 1st: don’t go google it. Ask a dr for resources if you have to, but don’t look at all the available crap on the Internet. It’ll just scare you. 2nd: don’t talk about it for a couple days. If you can, get away for the weekend, take your wife, and spend a couple days talking about anything else. Trust me on that one.

    1. Thank you for your comment. I fell pray to the google one instantly. Big mistake, I am trying desperately not to google things, one thing i will find will make me happy the next i will be in tears. So I am desperately trying to avoid it. I wish we had the time and money to go away, but not something we can afford, although we have tried to do fun things like going to our friends or the cinema to try and not think about it. I am just so aware of the emotional rollercoaster that is about to happen. Did you blog whilst you were going through treatment? would love to read them if you did?? Sach x

  2. Sacha, I am so sorry you are going through this. I know it probably sounds crappy, but I am a firm believer in the “everything happens for a reason” school of thought. I have had some jacked up experiences that turned out to bring me wonderful people and things. I hope that is where your path leads you. Until then the only sage and wise advise I can give is to remember that worrying fixes nothing and calm rational thought gets us further. Easier said than done I know, but I am sending good vibes your way. Good luck darlin.

    1. Thanks Angel,

      I am still in shock really, really cannot believe it. Your totally right though, I am trying to stay mentally positive, to avoid poisoning my energy with negativity. I am managing most of the time, just occasions when I doubt myself that I get negative, but generally I am positive. You are so right though, I really believe that everything happens for a reason, something, I dont know what told me to take that test against everyones judgement. And you know what I got it in the nick of time, it was meant to be, and i really think that the treatment will work. Worst my family and close friends keep joking we will have twins!! Its not the having a baby that scares me, my parents were young my wives sister have kids and did so really young, its not that, its the whole menopause that terrifies me, literally terrified at the prospect. :*(

      send our love to all. Thank you again for commenting
      x

  3. From an objective rational point of view I don’t suggest you get kids if you’re not prepared for it emotionally, and the best way to deal with that is to have some ovules of yours frozen and kept for a later time (expensive) or to prepare for a possible adoption later (there are tons of kids out there whose hope to get loving parents is close to zero)

    Keep the moral up. As you said everything happens for a reason πŸ˜‰

    1. Thanks for your comment but we were going to have kids in 2/3 years time, so its not that much of a difference. to be fair i was pretty emotional when i wrote that, so i wouldnt take it as representative of my mental state! also the majority of my fear is about the menopause not having kids, it was just a shock when i thought i would have them in a couple of years. But yes thank you I will try and keep the moral up. Thank you for your comments πŸ™‚

    1. Unfortunately I dont think its an error, but thank you for the thought. Part of me still hopes it is a mistake…. but seemingly not. I really dont understand where my bad karma came from? I guess if the treatment works then actually it is a blessing in disguise. I am going to keep my fingers crossed and hope for the best. Thank you for commenting πŸ™‚ x

  4. I found out I have DOR in September (I’m 28). I was shocked because exactly one year before, I had more of a reserve than a normal person should have (but it is normal for someone with PCOS – which I also have). My specialist swore it had to be a mistake, but an ovary scan and another blood test later confirmed. He said he’s never seen anything like that happen before. It’s either genetic or due to a virus (from what I’ve seen online), but since my family breeds early, no one has tried to get pregnant past 26, so I have no one to compare my issues with. I will be going through menopause in the next few years too.
    My husband and I just went through IVF in September/October. I am now 16 weeks pregnant. Don’t give up hope just because of DOR. You may have less eggs retrieved, but that doesn’t mean you won’t have enough to make a beautiful baby (or two.. or three).
    Good luck and if you have any questions, I’m happy to help. It’s all still fresh in my memory!

    1. I definitely have a couple of questions, what was your AMH and what chance did they give you stats wise of getting pregnant? Did you get pregnant first time?? It’s nice to hear someone else young going through the same thing, I’m only 25 so really young to be going through this and I haven’t found anyone else as young as me. Also did you get rushed through IVF?? How quickly we’re you seen??? Thank you πŸ™‚

      1. My AMH dropped from 6.9 in August 2011 to .69-1.3 (somewhere – had it tested twice and these were the two results) in August 2012. They didn’t give me any stats for the likely hood of success with IVF, but my doctor said he was hopeful and I trust him, so we went with it. We did get pregnant the first time, but we were scared that would be the case when they only retrieved 8 eggs, 5 of which were mature and only 4 fertilized the first day. The odds of them all progressing were very low. I’m not sure how, but we got lucky and all 4 made it. We implanted two and froze two.
        We were going in for our IVF consultation when we had the AMH tested again, so we were already on the IVF train when we found out. The doctor would have recommended going in quickly though. I doubt I would have had a single egg left by August of this year.
        It’s very scary to know that not only are your eggs gone before your time, but that menopause is right around the corner. Within the past year, I had already started to get night sweats during my period…. I should have known something was off, but who on earth could have guessed THAT?!
        I’m always here for any other questions! You should read about Primary Ovarian Inefficiency and Premature Ovarian Failure (they are the same thing). There is no way to 100% say this is what’s happening until you don’t have a period for a couple years (meaning your eggs are out), but my doctor thinks this is exactly what’s happening to me. With PCOS, I should have eggs enough to last until I’m in my 70’s, but unfortunately, my ovaries had a different plan.

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