Tortuous Two Week Wait

2WW

So this is it.

The tortuous two week wait has started.

I had my first IUI on valentines day. Ironic hey?!

I know I am kidding myself, thinking I could get pregnant on my first IUI.

But I can’t help it. Bloody human nature to be hopeful. I am just terrified of setting myself up to fail.

I mean I KNOW the odds are against us. The chances are fairly slim even if you have no fertility issues. Most women take 3 – 4 IUIs before a successful pregnancy.

UGH.

I feel like the picture. The tests, in fact the whole process is waving a big fuck you in my face at the moment. Laughing at me, because theres nothing I can do but sit and wait for hours, days, weeks… ok just two weeks, but honestly, it feels like a lifetime. A full blown, eon of time before I can take a test!

I am slightly unsure of when to test too. I am due on, on the 27th Feb. But thats only 13 days after treatment, and usually your due 14 days after. So if I tested, I am not sure if I would get a false positive or vice a versa. The clinic said to wait 16 days. But that would be a few days after I was due on…. which might be a give away!

I have our NHS appointment on the 26th, so part of me wants to test then, and according to the clear blue tests I could test as early as the 24/5th but no point testing early.

I have cramps, supposedly you can get cramps after IUI and its normal, I had a minute amount of bleeding yesterday too. Again apparently thats normal. But cramps are still there on day 2.

They are off putting. My head knows they are IUI linked. But part of you, the irrational, illogical, emotional part of you wants desperately to cling to some shred, a sliver of hope that it might, just might be a sign.

I’m an idiot.

Mentally I keep slapping myself around the face, for being stupid, for clinging to any hope. I need to get real here. The odds are low. Plus this is my first time, I would have to have some serious luck to get pregnant first time.

The frustration I’m feeling has penetrated my skin, my cells, my every fibre. I woke up feeling irritable this morning, and exhausted.

The emotional journey we have been on since before Christmas, is draining my energy reserves to nil, in fact, I think I am in debt with myself!!

Whilst I might be able to see a light at the end of the tunnel. A tiny pee stick might ruin it all. Throw a big Fuck You my way, and thats it. All over for another month.

I suppose the one ‘small mercy’ I have at the moment, is my cycle is so short, that if I do get a BFN (Big fat negative) I only have 10 days to wait before I would go back to Denmark to try again…

I feel like irony is playing tricks on me, if I have to go back to Denmark, the next time will be on my birthday. What is it with me and dates?

If it does work this time, I will hit 12 weeks and be able to tell my friends whilst were all on holiday at Gran Canaria pride!

And there I go again, trying to piece tiny, insignificant nothings together to find some shred of ‘pregnancy’ or fate or anything.

Two Weeks… Two Weeks… Two Weeks… I hate two weeks.

Fortnights are not my friend any more.

I keep falling prey to ‘googling’

No woman trying to get pregnant should use google. It should be banned, locked down and banished from your life.

I am beginning to think its the ‘google of death.’ You end up in this vicious pattern, of googling one desperate question after the next. Getting more anxious and upset each time. One answer sends you flying on a blanket of elation, the next, down into a depressive tear ridden mess.

Everyone said it would be an emotional journey. It really is.

I have taken to wearing some Danish Kronor. I got these whilst over there, change for our train tickets I think. But now I’m wearing them round my neck… for luck I guess.

Another stupid made up superstition.

*slaps self mentally*

photo-1

How the hell am I going to get through the next 11 days?

This is pain.

But Β pain of a whole different nature.

It’s pain you cant feel physically.

It’s a nasty squirming sensation. A plague that infects the veins in your brain. Wriggles its way around your cerebrum. Nudging and irritating you just often enough you don’t forget it is STILL 11 days…… or 264 hours, or 15,840 minutes.

Sounds like a lifetime.

17 comments

  1. I know how hard the two week wait can be. I went through three years of waiting to pee on sticks. You’re right about it being absolute torture.
    I’m not sure what type of IUI you did, but it sounds like you were not on any medications? If you were just doing a natural cycle and checking OPK’s, then you will not get a false positive. False positives come from having some of the trigger shot left in your system. The trigger shot forces you to ovulate after you take medication to increase your follicle count. They wouldn’t have you take OPK’s if you did a trigger shot, because they would know exactly when ovulation would start (to the hour, basically).
    I hope that gives you a little less stress, knowing that if you test and do get a positive, it won’t be false. πŸ™‚

    1. Hi, thank you for posting. Ahh that is reassuring. You were right, it was a natural cycle! They didn’t suggest any drugs. But I guess that makes it more unlucky to be successful?

      What’s OPK?

      Yeh it’s such torture. I just don’t know what to do with myself πŸ™ x

      1. Sorry, OPK’s are “ovulation prediction kits.” The sticks you pee on to tell if you’ve ovulated.
        I don’t think drugs have anything to do with success. If you ovulate on your own, that’s fantastic. I was on medication because I do not ovulate on my own. I had no chance without it.
        Don’t give up hope! If people didn’t have success with IUI’s they wouldn’t do them anymore. πŸ™‚

        1. Ahh ok, thanks, I have now found a fertility dictionary online as there are so many acronyms!! lol. Yes I do ovulate. This is the weird thing, everything is normal apart from my AMH. which in itself is bizarre, because usually if your AMH is low your FSH should be high, but mine is normal, normal follicle counts, normal womb, normal LH etc etc. It’s just my AMH thats stupid low. Hence the doctors not really knowing what’s wrong. That in itself is frustrating. But I guess your right, if they didn’t work they wouldn’t do them. Thanks for commenting, you do have a way of reassuring me πŸ˜€ x

          1. I have a friend who is in the same situation. There is no medical reason for her to not be able to get pregnant, but her AMH is a .4, which is super low for 28. She’s going through IVF right now. I’m hoping it works for her, just as I am hoping your IUI works for you! (I know there is only so much fun you can have getting a catheter shoved in to you every few weeks. :P)

          2. Oh wow, yes that is low for 28. I had mine done twice within a week first was 2.25 second 0.95. So really low too. Did your friend try IUI and it not work? Is that why she’s doing IVF? I hope it works for her πŸ™‚ does she blog?

          3. She does not blog. I’ve told her it’s an amazing thing to do while going through this. I’m pretty sure some of the ladies on here are the only reason I stayed somewhat sane during this whole process.
            She did have three failed IUI’s, but she had some problems with her body ovulating too early and I think they missed the window for a couple of them.
            That is quite a jump between tests. Mine fluctuated between the tests I had last year too (.67 and 1.3), so I guess that’s pretty normal. I’m so glad you got that test done though! It would be nice if that were a somewhat standard test at 25 or something. Of course mine dropped from 6.9 in 2011 to .67-1.3 in just one year. So who knows how these bodies of ours work?!

          4. Did she use OPKs?? How was she knowing when to do the IUIs? I am worried now that I haven’t had the iui done at the right time :s. yeh it’s true actually blogging is really really helping. It such a release to write things down. It’s such a frustrating process. It’s nice to speak to someone else who’s young I can’t seem to find anyone my age going through this. Are you UK based? As there doesn’t seem to be many UK based people going through this either. And definitely not young people.

            I know. And the doctors told me not to bother having the test. That I wouldn’t need it because I was so young. But something made me have the test. must of been my subconscious or something. :s.

            I’m curious to know if the AMH can go up again, or if there are any known cases of that happening. I mean If it jumps around when it shouldn’t as I read it’s meant to be stable, then I wonder if it jumps up as well as down. :s

          5. No, she did not use OPK’s. She was having monitoring visits to monitor follicle growth. She was using Femera to stimulate follicles to grow. Instead of doing a full fledged medication protocol (like I did), which could have prevented early ovulation using a medication called Ganirelix (and then triggering ovulation when she was ready), they went with the simple protocol and her body was so “on schedule” that it would ovulate before they were ready for her to. No clue why they went that way. Different places have different ways of doing IUI’s though, so I guess that was the way they thought was best for her.
            It is difficult to find people our age with low AMH, I agree. I know three others. I’m not sure what caused the other cases, but I seem to have Premature Ovarian Failure (aka primary ovarian inefficiency). I guess it’s possible to just have a low egg count to begin with? Dealing with the infertility part kind of took up my life, I haven’t really put much thought into the low count part. I’ll have to fight that battle later I guess.
            AMH cannot correct itself. Since you are born with all the eggs you’re ever going to have, once your egg stash is lowered, it will just keep going that way. No way to grow more eggs. That’s why it’s so important to stay on top of this and try to do whatever you can to put those eggs to use while you have them!
            We all have to fight some battles in life, ours just happens to be a biological clock set on fast forward!
            I am not UK based, I am in the States.

          6. Ahh, Ok, Ive only had one scan, I had 8 follicles one side and 7 the other I think. But I checked my paper work and couldn’t find how big they were.

            Hmm, I didn’t realise there were so many different methods of IUI. I just thought it was clomid, or natural! Clearly still a newbie!!

            Yeh I am wondering if I just had a low egg count?? Well yeh I know you only have a finite amount of eggs, I am just wondering why mine dropped so violently in 6 days?! I didn’t do anything much in that time, I just wonder if the second test was their mistake, and the first one of 2.25 was actually more accurate, I mean they asked me to go back so they could re-test, so obviously they thought it could be wrong. I just wish I could have another one to check to see like an average sort of figure??

            I guess for me, because everything else has come up normal, the low count seems to be the pinnacle of my thought, they don’t actually know how fertile I am. They are useless, they don’t have any answers to anything. It is so frustrating, that I don’t know what’s wrong, or what is the best method of treatment for me.

            yeh your telling me its on fast forward. You must be so glad you checked your AMH again, you give me hope though that I will be able to have a baby at some point πŸ™‚

          7. I am glad they rechecked my AMH before doing IVF, since it dropped so much within a year!
            Can you go to your general practioner and ask to have your AMH tested again? It may be nice to see if the third test lines up more with the first results or the second.
            That is a lot of follicles!! That is amazing for having a low AMH. Were you just on Clomid?

          8. Yeh, I can try I guess, I have a meeting with the NHS consultant next week, so I might ask them if I can have it done again. Nope wasn’t on clomid, they didn’t suggest anything other than a natural cycle. So I just did a normal natural cycle…. Hence why I am not that hopeful it will work. I thought only one egg matured though? irrespective of the number of follicles? I know though, this is the wierd thing. I seem to have lots of follices, and normal FSH, but a really low AMH, that’s why none of the doctors will give me a proper diagnosis. They just keep telling me not to wait to try, and that I might not be able to. so frustrating.

          9. That is still good. It means that those were the follicles that had a possibility of maturing that cycle. So, the more the merrier. When you do a medicated round, they do lots of scans to check follicles growth. These follicles are ones that are being matured by the medication and will ovulate with your normal ovulation, or a trigger shot (depending on how they do the medicated IUI). But them seeing that many potential follicles is very good. Means you’ve got plenty of activity going on in there. πŸ™‚ When I went in before IVF, they saw only a couple on one side and none on the other, and I only ended up making eight follicles that were able to be retrieved with only five containing mature eggs. So good job! I think you should have lots of hope!

          10. Ahh πŸ™‚ well that is good news then!! I don’t see why the doctors couldn’t just tell me that?! They just leave you with virtually no information. I can’t believe they didn’t bother to explain that. Thank you for telling me. I guess that is a good thing then. That scan was December 15th though. So not sure what would be happening in there now. I guess if you got pregnant and only had 2, then I will keep hopeful :). Thank you for taking so much time to answer all my questions, I really appreciate it xx

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