Category Archives: depression

The 6 Most Sinister Villain Personalities – Crafting Villains #4

Some villains are just plain nuts, right? Wrong. On a serious note, whether its done consciously or not, I think there are some illnesses and mental disorders that often sit behind some of the greatest villains. Understanding these disorders and their sometimes comorbid nature allows us to create more authentic villains. I want to tread carefully here, I think it’s important to respect mental health and the sufferers, importantly, I am not suggesting people or characters with mental health issues are villains or antagonists, just that some of the great villains have these disorders.

There are some important lessons we can learn from these illnesses which can help us to being authenticity to our characters. Having an awareness of these disorders can give you insight, genuine reactions, and understanding of what the source of their conflict can be – which gives you more plot and more depth to your characters.  Continue reading

Nurture Yourself in the Pursuit of Perfection #1000speak

Nurture Yourself in The Pursuit of Perfection #1000speak

There used to be a time when I would accept nothing less than perfection. I still fight the frustration when I’m not completely perfect.

I’ve come to believe perfectionism it’s a disease. An infection that slowly eats away at your skin until it buries itself into your bone and spreads to every corner of your body like an angry cancer. The growing niggle questioning whether perfectionism is something to be strived for, or maybe, abhorred has become a raging monster, and now, a blog post… Continue reading

The Shocking Truth About Creativity

The Shocking Truth About Creativity

***Warning*** Audience Participation Required!

What is it that makes us creative? I mean other than the obvious grey matter, neurological synapse firing and conscious and subconscious minds?  Continue reading

2015's First Muse

So I pulled my head out of my own arse and after a few slaps to the face, self scalding and deprecation I well and truly got over myself!

When I say I got over myself, I mean I found a muse that inspired me enough to pull my head out my backside and see the light. A muse that made me realise: the piling emails lain untouched in my inbox, the 4000 word assignment still unwritten, the untouched 52K of my baby and my now week long hiatus of my blog, was, in sum, unacceptable.

I appeared to have momentarily tipped into an abyss of self loathing and depression. I do that sometimes… Actually quite regularly. But then I think a lot of writers fight depression or if not then a creative slump or whatever.

This particular slump is connected to a lot of other things I shall try not to elaborate on too much. My dear friend who is a hypnotherapist has agreed to treat me. I am extremely hopeful that she can help me work through whatever crap is going on in my head thats causing my absolute lack of self worth. Anyway…

This muse in particular happens to be a song. I stumbled upon it quite by mistake. I was given a voucher for iTunes for christmas and happened to be browsing the iTunes store and came across this beauty which has been on repeat ever since! Now I must caveat this song with a little explanation of me and music.

I don’t hear lyrics. Like, at all. I constantly sing the wrong words, its a rare occasion I can tell you what a song is actually about. I only hear how the music makes me feel. I hear melody, and tune, and rhythm and beat, but never do I hear lyrics. So I don’t have a scoobies what this song is about either! But I sure do like the way it makes me feel. For the first time this year I felt motivated.

The song is ‘Warrior’ by Imagine Dragons

Has anyone else found a new muse this year? What is it?

 

I've Lost My Mojo Baby, Yeaaah

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I really hate January 1st. It’s the ultimate come down. You partied hard the night before, fuelled by booze, contagious enthusiasm and ever more ridiculous resolution promises. The night seemed alive, 2015 was going to be THE year. It’s your year, your time and your chance.

What a load of shit.

Woke up this morning, feeling more bloated and fatter than ever, with a raging hangover and more resolution promises I will break before the end of month. Stepped on the scales, didn’t I?

WHY, did I do that?

Now ELEVEN pounds heavier than I was in August.

Fuck January. Fuck my life.

January 1st – berroca in the morning 11am hangover starting to disappear, better make an effort – healthy yogurt and bagel for breakfast. By 1:45pm I’d eaten chocolate, hated myself for eating it so ate more to console myself.

F***ing January. I’ll start tomorrow!

Looked at the insanity DVD pile with enough hatred to send me straight back to the chocolate drawer for another round of “stuff my face and hate myself some more” I’ll start insanity tomorrow.

Looked at my beautiful treasured Mac laptop lain unused for the entire Christmas break. Not a word written, not a thought for my assignment nor my much in need of an edit WIP. Looked at it, hated on it. Then hated on myself for slacking. I’ll start tomorrow.

Looked at the calendar, only 3 more days off till I go back to work. And the awful realisation I’ve wasted my entire precious Christmas holiday doing sweet fuck all. Something I can’t abide – waste. Spent most of the first week off being ill with a stupid cold I couldn’t rid myself of for a month. Happy to say the last two days have seen it finally bite the dust. But still. I hated on myself some more for behaving like the thing I hate – a waster – sleep is for the weak!

So where did it go? When did I lose my mojo? It’s been gone at least a month. I have no motivation AT ALL. Not to exercise and lose the weight I need to, and not to pick up my technological pen and write.

How do you get motivated when you and your mojo are lost?

Maybe you should tell me tomorrow?!

Week 22 – attack of the stretch mark

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This is my 22 week shot – few days late – but the photo was taken at the right time.

This week has spelt the first onslaught of stretch marks. I want to cry. I have been feverishly rubbing Bio Oil into my skin a minimum of once a day and most of the time twice a day when I remember. I have tried to stay hydrated and done all the things i can. But I have two dots appearing on one hip one on the other, and the start of a very faint stretchmark in the middle of my stomach. I am so upset.

I am not massively vane or anything but I do try to take care of myself, and I like to look and feel good, and this was the one thing I was terrified about. I know theres nothing I can do but I was so desperate for this not to happen, that now having this many start appearing im not only horrified, but can feel myself getting really upset and down about it. I dont want to feel unattractive, and no matter how many of those face book posts showing a heavily scarred bellys and beautiful poems or statements about love and babies – it doesn’t help. I feel ugly and unattractive, and then guilty because I should be grateful I even got pregnant.

:*(

Pregnancy is a pain in the solar plexus

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For someone who rarely gets ill, and soldiers through when she does, I am having a spectacularly bad year. It has been ailment after ailment, and today I have had enough.

I don’t want anyone to think I am ungrateful for this pregnancy, I most certainly am not. However, I have been in pain of one variety or another for the best part of this year.

I ended last year and started this year with tooth ache from hell. I had an abscess on my tooth so big it touched my sinus causing  odema on my face and making me look hideous.

Then we had the issues with my ovaries and all the tests and depression that came with that.

When I finally fell pregnant, I had 3 weeks of sheer exhaustion so extreme I didn’t think I would ever wake up.

My breast so sore I thought they would fall off.

Then the morning sickness started

Followed by the most excruciating headaches I ever experienced.

Then a severe chest infection

More tooth ache followed by tooth removal.

indigestion from hell

and now my solar plexus…. I think the cartilage between my rib cage – primarily under my right breast, is inflamed.

I am in agonizing pain. I can’t sit, lie or walk without it hurting, take a few steps and I am out of breath.

I am exhausted, so worn out from being in constant pain, that today I broke down. Ive cried about 5 times, which is very very unlike me. But it hurts a lot. and everything I’ve read indicates that the pain wont go away until I give birth. I don’t know how I am going to get through it, I really don’t. Being in pain makes you so tired, I just want to sleep to stop feeling the pains.

But I am such a light sleeper, and it its so unbearably hot – and we Brits don’t have air con, so I am struggling to sleep too. 🙁

Sacha is sad today.

Evaporation Line vs. Positive Pregnancy Test

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11DPO….

If women who are trying to get pregnant aren’t tortured enough, there is something so heinous, so vile, that I wouldn’t wish it upon my enemy…

Evaporation lines.

Basterds.

They are these little second lines that appear after you have taken the test. Except they aren’t bright pink.

If your anything like me, you pee on a stick, don’t get an instant result and throw it away after less than a minute skulking back to bed. Then when you wake up 40 minutes later you rush back downstairs, take out the discarded pregnancy test, and have another look… just to see… even though you know your not supposed to look after 10 minutes.

Evaporation lines, give you hope. They play with your mind and make you think theres a shred of hope. Evaporation lines are grey and not pink. And are just left over from the test, it doesn’t mean your pregnant.

F*** you google. Ruined my day. I hate you. I want to cry but I don’t… so I won’t. On the inside, I am crushed. GUTTED, broken.

I’ve attached my evaporation lines… taken from three different angles!!

I think its grey. My wife thinks it’s pink.

Because I am that crazy, I took two normal photos, and then decided to take a macro shot… a shot like a microscope… you get WAY close to it… When you do that the line looks grey… no baby…

You decide…

Edited 23rd Nov 2015 – I decided to come back and edit this post because it still gets a lot of hits. For any woman coming to read this post now, I want to you know there is hope… That evaporation line turned out to be pink and the earliest positive pregnancy test possible! I was pregnant, I carried to term, and now I have a beautiful boy. Keep going. You will fall pregnant. <3

Breasts

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I have to apologise that firstly, this blog over the last few weeks seems to have become a dumping ground for the batshit crazy, irrational and overly depressed Sacha.

I don’t really have many other outlets to talk about how I feel, but more importantly whilst I love talking in general I hate talking about how I ‘feel’. I much prefer writing it down. I am a born writer, and it helps me to process my shameless, most private thoughts.

Today is bad. Really really bad. I meant to write a blog a couple of days ago about the aching silence between the first couple of days after IUI and the last couple when you can test before your period.

There was silence. It was horrendous.

My body stopped doing anything. There were no cramps, no signs, no symptoms. Silence is sometimes worst than hearing a cacophony of signs and opinions. It was just waiting. Unending, tortuous, mind numbingly slow waiting.

I am now 7dpIUI.

I am due on in 6 days.

Today was bad because I genuinely wanted to punch myself in the face. I am so fucking annoying. I (and by I, I mean my head/mind – my voice in my head which thinks and reasons) would not shut the fuck up.

I felt like I had a split personality, and all over a god damn pair of tits.

Usually by now my boobs would hurt. I thought, they hurt every month. Usually starts 8ish days before I come on and then stops a couple of days before I actually come on.

So I asked the wife this morning if she could remember if they always hurt, and she said no. Pretty bluntly too. I was like oh. Because I was so sure they hurt every month.

Anyway, point being, they don’t; I (irrespective of whether or not she can) can’t remember the last time they didn’t hurt before I came on.

Well, this sent me off on some insane thought process, some ridiculous symptom spotting madness all day. I could scream I am so pathetic.

All that happened this morning, was I woke up and my boobs DIDN’T hurt, and to be fair, I was bloated.

What kind of mad women spends an entire day twisting herself into knots over breasts that DON’T hurt for god sake?

Am I pregnant, am I not? Am I pregnant, am I not? Am I pregnant, am I not? Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?

That is literally what my head has been doing all day. I just want it to shut the fuck up. It’s made me angry, and I was already exhausted today without my head twisting me into a mess.

I am in pieces. Exhausted, desperate, and seemingly slightly nuts.

I found the pregnancy tests that the NHS use, some really cheap pee strips. That apparently are the most sensitive pregnancy tests on the market.

Traditional tests like Clear Blue and First Response, are good, but they measure up to 50mlu. Before your pregnant you have about 5mlu in you. So 50 is about the time your period is due. These NHS ones supposedly test to a sensitivity of 10mlu… thats basically as soon as the egg implants.

The tests arrived yesterday.

I am now away on business so I can’t use them anyway. I don’t really know whether or not I should test, or just wait to see if I come on.

I partly don’t think I can wait. But at the same time I am aware that an egg can take as long as 12 days to implant. but 12 days is the day before I am due on…

How would my body know not to come on?

Look there I go again, I just need to shut up!

I am exhausted, I really am. I nearly fell asleep in the middle of the day today. It can’t be good to do this to myself!!

I just need to keep telling myself it will be ok, whether I get a BFP or BFN… it will be ok.

IUI up, IUI down

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Ok, 3dpIUI (3 days post IUI).

What I have decided is that the above picture optimises, an hourly – daily, weekly cycle, that I, and I guess everyone else on fertility cycles are going through.

It’s shit.

I feel like I am genuinely mental.

I am unstable, irrational, and emotional.

Everything I hate.

I like being, stable, rational and emotionless. I pride myself on being those things.

I hate that it’s only our first cycle. I mean don’t exactly want to do more cycles, obviously cost, and emotional toll, I would prefer to get pregnant first time. But I know the chances are low, so I just wish it was our 3rd time already, as lots of websites say 3/4 IUI’s is about normal.

I don’t know what’s happened to me, for two days after the IUI I was on this huge high, and elated that we had done something.

But I have well and truly crashed off the IUI rollercoaster. I am very low again today.

Body Wise – I had a back ache, but think it was my kidneys rather than actual back, I think I was probably dehydrated or something. Felt a bit bloated too today. But considering I have IBS nothing I am paying attention to. I am still slightly aware of my womb, less so than yesterday. Virtually no cramping any more.

Kind of sad really, at least when I was cramping I at least felt like something was happening, even if it wasn’t making a baby it was us having taken some action.

I am still unsure of when exactly to test. But I think if I am due to come on, on the 27th, then realistically I should be able to test on the 26th. Even if the clinic said wait 16 days, and thats only 12/13.

In which case T-9 days till test 1.