Tag Archives: Artificial insemination

Psycho Sach

1960, Psycho

 

Don’t feel like talking much, I am trying really hard to stay positive. I feel like a psycho. Up one minute down the next. Same shit as last time, think I am pregnant one minute, convinced I’m not the next.

Much less stressful this time, because pretending your positive eventually makes you feel temporarily positive. But the two weeks is taking an achingly long time to go.

In the morning I will be 4 Days post IUI, and 8 days till I am due on…

This time feels longer than the last.

I hate waiting.

Not only am I waiting to test, but I am also waiting for an appointment with the NHS again. It’s beyond frustrating, I am on a waiting list, for an appointment, just for a fucking appointment. During this appointment, I will just be referred to an IVF clinic. Which means I will go on another waiting list.

I wont get an appointment for the referral appointment until the end of April. Which means I wont go on a IVF waiting list till May at the earliest.

 

HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE WAITING

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Why can’t I just be pregnant already?

I want to cry.

Mrs. Black – An Interview With The Wife!

interview-in-progress1

So, I am 4 dp IUI. I decided that I do far too much talking, and that my wife (Mrs. Black) often gets forgotten. Often she’s forgotten in the UK because our equality is not as progressed as many of the European countries, but also because she’s not going to carry the baby. But what I guess a lot of people forget is that she is going through this too.

So here, is an interview with Mrs. Black:

Me: So, Mrs. Black (giggle) how are you feeling about everything today?

Mrs. Black: um, confused. I just want an answer.

Me: can you elaborate some more?

Mrs. Black: I suppose, I never realised how much this means to us, and how much we want it. But at the same time its scary financially and how much it is going to change our lives.

Me: How are you finding the medical procedures?

Mrs. Black: I think Denmark are great. They are very equality driven. They made us feel so comfortable, and allowed me to push the syringe, so if you fall pregnant, I’d have done the business!

Me: how are you finding being on the other side of the medical procedures?

Mrs. Black: well, London didn’t really make me feel like I was a part of it. They just spoke at you. Whereas in Denmark, they made me feel like I was a part of making our baby.

Me: and thats important to you?

Mrs. Black: Thats really fucking important to me!

Me: How do you feel about the fact that I have fertility issues?

Mrs. Black: Makes no odds really, because we were always going to have problems, because it’s not like we can do it naturally. I always thought it was going to be difficult anyway.

And if I am honest, I wasn’t sure if I wanted kids until I met you anyway!

Me:  Do you ever experience the emotional roller coaster that I am going through?

Mrs. Black: I don’t think I experience exactly the same emotions as you. I have my own rollercoaster. As I just don’t ever stop thinking about it.

Me: How does that make you feel? Tired? Angry?? what emotions are you feeling in your rollercoaster?

Mrs. Black: within my rollercoaster, I feel tired. Like mentally tired. I feel a bit impatient too. Yeh, I spend most of my time feeling impatient. I JUST WANT TO KNOW!!

Me: Are you afraid of anything?

Mrs. Black: If I am honest, one of the only things I am afraid of, is us never being able to become parents. But worst, if we do become parents, what if our kids hate us?

Me: babe its ‘KID’ singular!!, stop saying ‘kids’ haha.

Mrs. Black: haha, sorry I know, I know, I need to stop jinxing us. You know what I mean. Kid…. Anyway, I guess the other thing I am afraid of is our child having nothing in common with me, as it doesn’t have any of my genetics.

Me: What impact has this had on our relationship?

Mrs. Black: I think its actually brought us closer. It’s made us communicate a lot more. But then saying that, we both have our own quiet times, when we both just get lost in our own thoughts. 

Me: What kind of support do you think you need? As people always think about the women carrying a baby

Mrs. Black: I just want people to remember me, and that I am in this too. But at the same time, I just want to make sure your alright.

Me: aww, your so sweet 🙂 Ok, finally then, what advice would you give to other couples going through this situation?

Mrs. Black: Never allow anyone to say ‘no’. And even though it’s probably one of the most scariest things you can do, when you’re there and your about to have treatment, all that worry disappears and you know your doing the right thing.

Me: Any final thoughts?

Mrs. Black: My final thought? Is even though its been hard and extremely emotional so far, it hasn’t made me any less determined.

Well that’s it folks! If any one has any questions, feel free to ask!

IUI up, IUI down

Roller-coaster-emotions-2429

 

 

Ok, 3dpIUI (3 days post IUI).

What I have decided is that the above picture optimises, an hourly – daily, weekly cycle, that I, and I guess everyone else on fertility cycles are going through.

It’s shit.

I feel like I am genuinely mental.

I am unstable, irrational, and emotional.

Everything I hate.

I like being, stable, rational and emotionless. I pride myself on being those things.

I hate that it’s only our first cycle. I mean don’t exactly want to do more cycles, obviously cost, and emotional toll, I would prefer to get pregnant first time. But I know the chances are low, so I just wish it was our 3rd time already, as lots of websites say 3/4 IUI’s is about normal.

I don’t know what’s happened to me, for two days after the IUI I was on this huge high, and elated that we had done something.

But I have well and truly crashed off the IUI rollercoaster. I am very low again today.

Body Wise – I had a back ache, but think it was my kidneys rather than actual back, I think I was probably dehydrated or something. Felt a bit bloated too today. But considering I have IBS nothing I am paying attention to. I am still slightly aware of my womb, less so than yesterday. Virtually no cramping any more.

Kind of sad really, at least when I was cramping I at least felt like something was happening, even if it wasn’t making a baby it was us having taken some action.

I am still unsure of when exactly to test. But I think if I am due to come on, on the 27th, then realistically I should be able to test on the 26th. Even if the clinic said wait 16 days, and thats only 12/13.

In which case T-9 days till test 1.

 

 

Tortuous Two Week Wait

2WW

So this is it.

The tortuous two week wait has started.

I had my first IUI on valentines day. Ironic hey?!

I know I am kidding myself, thinking I could get pregnant on my first IUI.

But I can’t help it. Bloody human nature to be hopeful. I am just terrified of setting myself up to fail.

I mean I KNOW the odds are against us. The chances are fairly slim even if you have no fertility issues. Most women take 3 – 4 IUIs before a successful pregnancy.

UGH.

I feel like the picture. The tests, in fact the whole process is waving a big fuck you in my face at the moment. Laughing at me, because theres nothing I can do but sit and wait for hours, days, weeks… ok just two weeks, but honestly, it feels like a lifetime. A full blown, eon of time before I can take a test!

I am slightly unsure of when to test too. I am due on, on the 27th Feb. But thats only 13 days after treatment, and usually your due 14 days after. So if I tested, I am not sure if I would get a false positive or vice a versa. The clinic said to wait 16 days. But that would be a few days after I was due on…. which might be a give away!

I have our NHS appointment on the 26th, so part of me wants to test then, and according to the clear blue tests I could test as early as the 24/5th but no point testing early.

I have cramps, supposedly you can get cramps after IUI and its normal, I had a minute amount of bleeding yesterday too. Again apparently thats normal. But cramps are still there on day 2.

They are off putting. My head knows they are IUI linked. But part of you, the irrational, illogical, emotional part of you wants desperately to cling to some shred, a sliver of hope that it might, just might be a sign.

I’m an idiot.

Mentally I keep slapping myself around the face, for being stupid, for clinging to any hope. I need to get real here. The odds are low. Plus this is my first time, I would have to have some serious luck to get pregnant first time.

The frustration I’m feeling has penetrated my skin, my cells, my every fibre. I woke up feeling irritable this morning, and exhausted.

The emotional journey we have been on since before Christmas, is draining my energy reserves to nil, in fact, I think I am in debt with myself!!

Whilst I might be able to see a light at the end of the tunnel. A tiny pee stick might ruin it all. Throw a big Fuck You my way, and thats it. All over for another month.

I suppose the one ‘small mercy’ I have at the moment, is my cycle is so short, that if I do get a BFN (Big fat negative) I only have 10 days to wait before I would go back to Denmark to try again…

I feel like irony is playing tricks on me, if I have to go back to Denmark, the next time will be on my birthday. What is it with me and dates?

If it does work this time, I will hit 12 weeks and be able to tell my friends whilst were all on holiday at Gran Canaria pride!

And there I go again, trying to piece tiny, insignificant nothings together to find some shred of ‘pregnancy’ or fate or anything.

Two Weeks… Two Weeks… Two Weeks… I hate two weeks.

Fortnights are not my friend any more.

I keep falling prey to ‘googling’

No woman trying to get pregnant should use google. It should be banned, locked down and banished from your life.

I am beginning to think its the ‘google of death.’ You end up in this vicious pattern, of googling one desperate question after the next. Getting more anxious and upset each time. One answer sends you flying on a blanket of elation, the next, down into a depressive tear ridden mess.

Everyone said it would be an emotional journey. It really is.

I have taken to wearing some Danish Kronor. I got these whilst over there, change for our train tickets I think. But now I’m wearing them round my neck… for luck I guess.

Another stupid made up superstition.

*slaps self mentally*

photo-1

How the hell am I going to get through the next 11 days?

This is pain.

But  pain of a whole different nature.

It’s pain you cant feel physically.

It’s a nasty squirming sensation. A plague that infects the veins in your brain. Wriggles its way around your cerebrum. Nudging and irritating you just often enough you don’t forget it is STILL 11 days…… or 264 hours, or 15,840 minutes.

Sounds like a lifetime.

Hope for a New Day?

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Humans have this kind of innate default position for hope. It’s in built, whatever happens to us, and whatever were put through we always default back to hope; even in severe, terrible situations, you find humans resolute in their hope.

I guess tomorrow represents my hope.

I have been peeing on sticks and testing to see if i’m ovulating since Saturday. I was almost ready to give up hope, and thought I wasn’t going to ovulate but as if fate itself was playing tricks on me, I took at test at lunch today and I got a positive!

So I took the rest of the day off work, and booked flights, car parking, and got some money changed up.

Tomorrow, we are flying to Denmark for the day, to try our first cycle of IUI. If anyone out there is reading this send me positive, sticky, pregnant like vibes.

We don’t really know what the stats/chances are of success, the usual is only about 16%. This clinic says my chances are 25% because I am young. I am not sure they are really taking into consideration my AMH level, and hormones and stuff. But I guess they are professionals and know what they are talking about.

We will see.

Either way, at 2pm tomorrow (Denmark time) I will be going through my first cycle of IUI. Part of me really thinks it won’t work. But theres this other part of me that is hoping beyond all hope that it does, otherwise, it’s yet another chance gone… and I don’t have many chances left.

I am terrified it will work, and terrified it won’t. Either way the consequences are serious, and life changing.

I will update soon… I imagine the two week wait is going to be tortuous.

Today has been a bit up and down too! I was full of excitement and nerves, but then I walked past Next (and the baby section) so decided to walk in and see how it felt, well I took one look at the baby grows and nearly threw up in my mouth! and ran out. It’s not real yet! It’s too scary and I don’t want to jinx myself!

Anyway, whoever reads this… think of me tomorrow. 🙂