Tag Archives: broken down

F is for…

frustration

I am stewing in a pot of frustration and ‘feeling sorry for myself’.

I am frustrated with the wait. NHS appointment isn’t until the 26th Feb, when we find out if we are eligible for funding, but I am pretty sure we won’t be.

I ovulate before then… so I would lose another chance to get pregnant by waiting for the appointment. But ┬áif we go and I am pregnant then i will get spat out the system and not get the funding anyway. What happens if i miscarry or something awful?

So I have to decide do I take the risk and go to Denmark or do I wait and then be pissed off if the NHS wont treat me?

If I go to Denmark then its going to cost. Like 600 quid cost.

I am already in debt cause of the wedding, which I am trying to pay back but it just seems to keep piling on. Plus we will have to move at some point, as we live in a 1 bed, and we cant do that with a baby. (I know theres plenty of time to move, i’m just saying I need to factor it in.)

Moving requires a 1500 quid deposit.

Plus, my car broke last night. Fuel pump. That’s another 250-300 I don’t have that I need to shell out for.

I honestly don’t know why I am being dealt so much shit. This has to be the single worst start to a year I have ever had.

I’ve put weight on ( I know that’s my fault – but seems to be a vicious cycle at the moment)

and, I am falling behind on my studies, because I am constantly trying to fire fight.

I really need to be given a break.

I can feel the weight of everything pushing me down… somewhere dark. My head is falling back into it’s safetynet of depression.

I feel like a failure.

Fuckin' Monday Strikes Again.

I am a strong believer in putting good karma and energy out there. So I am considering trying to change my severe hatred of Monday and put out some Monday love.

However, today is not that day.

I REALLY fucking hate Monday, and it hates me.

Today is the first day of my new placement. I rotate ever 6 months for two years, and I am hoping that this will be my last rotation. But we shall see. Anyway. So as first days go it was relatively pain free, other than the fact I am a guinea pig for my line manager who has never line managed anyone, was possibly the most patronizing person I know and only gave me one project, which she claimed would take me 6 months, and I had to try not to laugh in her face, knowing my insatiable appetite for work, I could obliterate it in two. AND, I took that as a challenge to prove the point to her. ANYWAY.

I am hopeful that this placement will be much better, for a start the office isnt some holier than thou – took an oath of silence – type offices, people actually interacted.

Enough moaning, I am genuinely happier in this office, although this is only day 1 so… I ain’t counting any chickens just yet.

Today is the wife’s birthday.

I had this whole brilliant idea for a present and card, and had planned on doing it on Saturday because she was going out with her friends back home (home being where she grew up, as opposed to our current home)

ANYWAY, she was supposed to be going to her nans the following day, and wanted me to come with her. Her nan lives an hour further south than where she came from.

So dick head over here – me – opens my big mouth and asks her why she isn’t staying in reading for the night and driving straight on to her nans in the morning.

Well I thought I was being logical and rational. Which I was, but then I got caught up in the whole thing, and shes draggin me down to her mums because she wants me to go to her nans the following day.

So I am stuck in my mother in laws house (she wasn’t there btw) with no car, no nothing, no ability to go shopping for her. She says she doesn’t care, and would prefer me to go to her nans than get her anything, but it makes me feel like crap.

So when she wakes up this morning I have nothing to give her, squat. Not even a card, I feel like the worst wife ever.

So I leave home early to get her something before work (my first day in the new placement mind) and rush to work.

Go through the whole day no hitches, minus my minor irritations, and when do I ever get through a whole day without getting annoyed?!

Anyway, I leave early in the hope that I can get to the shops to buy a cake before she gets home…

Climb in the car, key – ignition – splutter splutter… DEATH. My car literally committed suicide on me.

Why? why is it always the day before I go to uni? I have a two and a half hour drive to uni tomorrow, and I am in real danger of not being able to get up there.

Why is it always fucking Mondays??