Tag Archives: Gran Canaria

All Things Pregnancy

5 weeks 6 days

So I seem to have acquired a pretty hefty backlog of blogs I owe myself and other fellow bloggers, so I will sit here tonight and write them and set them to upload over the next few days…

So pregnancy…

Anyone else ever experience denial? I think its the shock, I just cant seem to accept the fact I am pregnant. I just cant believe it, I mean part of me does obviously. I duno it is just so surreal…

I mean I have now done 18…. 18 pregnancy tests… a little psycho I know…

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That was this mornings… the test line is now darker than the control line…. mental, I look at these tests every morning and just think, how am I creating positive pregnanct tests!!

My boobs STILL hurt, I mean they are so fricking huge now I literally need a hammock to carry these bazungers around!! Genuinely, the below photo is how big a bra I need now!! no joke!!

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I am tired, but not like I was, instead I seem to be experiencing constant bloating, and some serious aversions to certain smells. The other Mrs. Black, bleached the whole house the other night and tidied whilst I finished an essay, then when she came over to me, her hands stunk like something so vile, I cant even explain it, when I asked her what it was, she said bleach!! BLEACH?? I used to love the smell of bleach….

Well apparently not! she continued to waft her hands around me, so I promptly threw up!! That will learn her!!

Other than that, no major symptoms, a little cramping but nothing major.

I decided that I wanted to book in two early scans, so I am having a 7 week scan, and a 10 week scan. The 10 week scan mostly because we are going to Gran Canaria pride, and I want to know that our baby is ok just before we go, and also because if some of our friends find out, at 10 weeks with a couple of scans behind us, I am hoping it will be ok. I asked the midwife and she said it would be fine, and thats before we even have an official NHS scan, but I am a little more realistic than that and want some proof… I guess I am just anxious to know everythings alright. It feels like everywhere I look people are talking about miscarriage. My sister in law had a mis-miscarry which means she didn’t know, which I just cant think of anything worst, so I want an early scan to make sure everything is ok, to reassure us. Thats not crazy is it?

WhenI got in from work this evening though… it all became a little too official… we have a booking appointment… to see a real midwife, and I have a green booklet…. for all my pregnancy information and appointments….

Maternity Letter

 

Forgive me, I removed all the identifying information…. but

IS THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENING???

When am I going to stop being in denial???

I guess its because I dont want to get too excited until we get the all clear… role on May 18th…

Tortuous Two Week Wait

2WW

So this is it.

The tortuous two week wait has started.

I had my first IUI on valentines day. Ironic hey?!

I know I am kidding myself, thinking I could get pregnant on my first IUI.

But I can’t help it. Bloody human nature to be hopeful. I am just terrified of setting myself up to fail.

I mean I KNOW the odds are against us. The chances are fairly slim even if you have no fertility issues. Most women take 3 – 4 IUIs before a successful pregnancy.

UGH.

I feel like the picture. The tests, in fact the whole process is waving a big fuck you in my face at the moment. Laughing at me, because theres nothing I can do but sit and wait for hours, days, weeks… ok just two weeks, but honestly, it feels like a lifetime. A full blown, eon of time before I can take a test!

I am slightly unsure of when to test too. I am due on, on the 27th Feb. But thats only 13 days after treatment, and usually your due 14 days after. So if I tested, I am not sure if I would get a false positive or vice a versa. The clinic said to wait 16 days. But that would be a few days after I was due on…. which might be a give away!

I have our NHS appointment on the 26th, so part of me wants to test then, and according to the clear blue tests I could test as early as the 24/5th but no point testing early.

I have cramps, supposedly you can get cramps after IUI and its normal, I had a minute amount of bleeding yesterday too. Again apparently thats normal. But cramps are still there on day 2.

They are off putting. My head knows they are IUI linked. But part of you, the irrational, illogical, emotional part of you wants desperately to cling to some shred, a sliver of hope that it might, just might be a sign.

I’m an idiot.

Mentally I keep slapping myself around the face, for being stupid, for clinging to any hope. I need to get real here. The odds are low. Plus this is my first time, I would have to have some serious luck to get pregnant first time.

The frustration I’m feeling has penetrated my skin, my cells, my every fibre. I woke up feeling irritable this morning, and exhausted.

The emotional journey we have been on since before Christmas, is draining my energy reserves to nil, in fact, I think I am in debt with myself!!

Whilst I might be able to see a light at the end of the tunnel. A tiny pee stick might ruin it all. Throw a big Fuck You my way, and thats it. All over for another month.

I suppose the one ‘small mercy’ I have at the moment, is my cycle is so short, that if I do get a BFN (Big fat negative) I only have 10 days to wait before I would go back to Denmark to try again…

I feel like irony is playing tricks on me, if I have to go back to Denmark, the next time will be on my birthday. What is it with me and dates?

If it does work this time, I will hit 12 weeks and be able to tell my friends whilst were all on holiday at Gran Canaria pride!

And there I go again, trying to piece tiny, insignificant nothings together to find some shred of ‘pregnancy’ or fate or anything.

Two Weeks… Two Weeks… Two Weeks… I hate two weeks.

Fortnights are not my friend any more.

I keep falling prey to ‘googling’

No woman trying to get pregnant should use google. It should be banned, locked down and banished from your life.

I am beginning to think its the ‘google of death.’ You end up in this vicious pattern, of googling one desperate question after the next. Getting more anxious and upset each time. One answer sends you flying on a blanket of elation, the next, down into a depressive tear ridden mess.

Everyone said it would be an emotional journey. It really is.

I have taken to wearing some Danish Kronor. I got these whilst over there, change for our train tickets I think. But now I’m wearing them round my neck… for luck I guess.

Another stupid made up superstition.

*slaps self mentally*

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How the hell am I going to get through the next 11 days?

This is pain.

But  pain of a whole different nature.

It’s pain you cant feel physically.

It’s a nasty squirming sensation. A plague that infects the veins in your brain. Wriggles its way around your cerebrum. Nudging and irritating you just often enough you don’t forget it is STILL 11 days…… or 264 hours, or 15,840 minutes.

Sounds like a lifetime.

Friday Fails…

Everything anyone has ever said about weddings is true. Especially the come down.

I genuinely had the worst case of man flu that has ever existed….True story!!

I felt particularly sorry for myself, but I have now sucked it up, manned up,  and I am well on the road to recovery.

That is, except for the extreme exhaustion I am still feeling. This is a whole other level of exhaustion, it’s some kind of nasty life sucking, energy draining beast.

I can’t even think clearly, I am desperate to blog properly again, but I can barely drag… and I do mean drag myself out of bed, let alone blog. Whatismore, for medical reasons I am having to withdraw from caffeine…

This has led me to do a really good impression of death warmed up right now, I am also throwing in a pinch of the lights are on but no ones home just for good measure. I am not functioning. I don’t understand sentences, I cant text and this blog will ruin me for at least a few days!! 😛

Basically I am so tired I am totally incapable of doing anything… Apparently I am not young enough to do a typical Sacha and burn the candle at both ends and in the middle, and get away with it. I am paying a steep price… I look like the kid in the picture!!

 

Today was an epic failure, but Friday was so so much worst.

Friday…

Actually Thursday night…. We went for dinner with some friends and the usual Gran Canaria pride chat  came up again. After much discussion it was decided that like this year we would all go.

This year was epic, there was a group of about 10-15 of us that went, and it was genuinely one of the best weeks of my life. Anyway. I go to book the hotel, pay for it, and then realise I have booked the wrong dates. Fuck.

I ring the hotel in Gran Canaria, try to have a Spanglish type conversation and establish that its too early and I need to ring the travel company and sort it with them. Which I do and just about get it sorted after some serious fannying about on their behalf.

So I search for flights but can only find flights for the furthest airport away from us. ugh. But decide that I would rather book early than wait for the price to go up just so I can get a closer airport.

I book the flights, and go to bed happy.

Friday morning…

I wake up seriously bleary eyed and had to forcibly rip myself from my cosy warm bed and into the shower. Whilst I am showering I realise that I feel like something is wrong with the booking.

I pick up my mac and open the receipt page for the booking, everything looks fine. I open up the web page to manage my booking and to my horror, they have messed up my surname… (we have double barrelled btw). So I am particularly irritated at this point already seeing as I fucked up booking the hotel. I ring the stupidly expensive phone line and get half way through sorting the problem and the phone gets cut off.

RAGE.

It is at this point that I look back at the web page and utter horror washes over me, as I look at the dates.

I booked the wrong fucking dates.

How did I do that?

HOW CAN I DO THAT????…. twice?? for gods sake.

I go back to the search page just to make sure I am not going insane and I did actually search for the right dates its just the piece of shit web companies mistake for showing the wrong flights… and possibly mine for not double checking. *cough*

At this point, I am having to really suppress Hulk back down. I am also  late for work, have no caffeine, no breakfast and I need to ring the company to sort this out.

I get on the phone to one of them and they tell me to ring the airline direct.

More rage.

The airline tells me thats no problem they will change the dates and my name and wipe the admin fee… but the flights are more expensive. like £90 more expensive.

Not happy.

It is at this point I am now REALLY late for work, and I go to gather up my bag and stuff for work. I get flustered because I have had no breakfast and now cant find my wallet.

The wife rings… “Babe I just found your wallet in my car… do you need it?”

RAGE.

Of course I need it. So instead of going to work, I have to drive to her work to pick up my wallet first.

I check my diary to make sure I am not going to be late for a meeting and just my luck I have a 9:30am meeting booked in. Luckily its with someone who is ALWAYS late, or just doesnt turn up. Plus they didnt accept the meeting request, so I am pretty sure that they wont be coming.

I run into work throw my laptop on the desk and ring the guy I am meant to be meeting, who of course, today….is waiting for me in the canteen. Fuck.

So I have to run to the canteen, I get three quarters of the way there and realise I left the single most important piece of paperwork I needed in the office. At this point I am sweating and flustered. So I have to bolt back to the office rifle through a mountain of papers just to find one thing!!

When I get there. He has the smelliest, most tasty looking coffee, and I am beyond envious. withdrawal is not fun.

The last fail I managed to rack up on Friday was epic on a huge proportion.

I like to think of myself as technologically ‘with it’ I know how to use most technology without being told how, I like techy things, and generally I am very careful about which profile I use to say what.

Apparently, not when I am tired.

I managed to tweet my boss from my Sacha_black profile without realising, and inadvertently gave him access to my blog, my twitter, my rants… everything. #fml.

I just need to sleep. But my cats like to see to it that they get fed at ridiculous o clock in the morning, or let out, or in, whenever they see fit even if its at 2,3,4 or 5 am.

Even my work mate turned round to me today and said…

“mate… dont take this the wrong way… but you look like shit!!”

Great.