Tag Archives: hope

Hope for a New Day?

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Humans have this kind of innate default position for hope. It’s in built, whatever happens to us, and whatever were put through we always default back to hope; even in severe, terrible situations, you find humans resolute in their hope.

I guess tomorrow represents my hope.

I have been peeing on sticks and testing to see if i’m ovulating since Saturday. I was almost ready to give up hope, and thought I wasn’t going to ovulate but as if fate itself was playing tricks on me, I took at test at lunch today and I got a positive!

So I took the rest of the day off work, and booked flights, car parking, and got some money changed up.

Tomorrow, we are flying to Denmark for the day, to try our first cycle of IUI. If anyone out there is reading this send me positive, sticky, pregnant like vibes.

We don’t really know what the stats/chances are of success, the usual is only about 16%. This clinic says my chances are 25% because I am young. I am not sure they are really taking into consideration my AMH level, and hormones and stuff. But I guess they are professionals and know what they are talking about.

We will see.

Either way, at 2pm tomorrow (Denmark time) I will be going through my first cycle of IUI. Part of me really thinks it won’t work. But theres this other part of me that is hoping beyond all hope that it does, otherwise, it’s yet another chance gone… and I don’t have many chances left.

I am terrified it will work, and terrified it won’t. Either way the consequences are serious, and life changing.

I will update soon… I imagine the two week wait is going to be tortuous.

Today has been a bit up and down too! I was full of excitement and nerves, but then I walked past Next (and the baby section) so decided to walk in and see how it felt, well I took one look at the baby grows and nearly threw up in my mouth! and ran out. It’s not real yet! It’s too scary and I don’t want to jinx myself!

Anyway, whoever reads this… think of me tomorrow. ­čÖé

Grief vs. Hope – A Sacha of two halves.

Tears

I am trying, beyond trying to stay hopeful and positive. All the  books, journals, and articles, say that you need to stay positive. That in order to keep your body positive, and all the hormones in balance, you need to stay positive and hopeful and think of the good outcomes etc etc.

This is easier said than done, everyone suggests to do this, but never really explains how you turn off your incessant, ‘desperately seeking a solution’ brain. I am begging for some ideas, I understand that I need to do its, the logic makes sense, but I just can’t turn my brain off.

There are 7 stages of grief

1. Shock and Denial

2. Pain and Guilt

3. Anger and Bargaining

4.Depression, rejection, loneliness

5. The upward turn

6. Reconstruction and working through

7. Acceptance + Hope

Are grief and hope just two ends of a continuum? Two sides of the same coin?

Currently if I’m not feeling one I am feeling the other.

One minute, I am desperate with grief, sheer panic, an agony so deep inside I don’t know how I am going to pick myself up and dress myself let alone get to work.

The next minute I bounding around full of hope and promise. Certain I will fall pregnant on the first try.

It is exhausting.

Is it possible to feel all stages of grief at the same time? Or do we have to progress down through the seven stages?

I am definitely still in shock, I am struggling to accept that I don’t have many eggs, but more to the point that I will go through the menopause early.

I get slightly excited at the prospect of having a baby, I am still adjusting to the timescale, but I always wanted a family so I am trying to think of the positives and the fact that I am going to get what I want, even if a little early. But then my brain races off and tries to think about all the things I would need to buy and all the planning and moving house, and then I get real and think about how far off that is, the pain and treatments I will have to go through in order to get there, and then….

most horrible of all, the fact it might not even happen.

And thus I fall back into grief all over again.

I am convinced grief and hope are one and the same, part of each other.

I need to understand how to get rid of the grief and stick with the hope.

Today, after all the reading and learning about fertility, it was a little paragraph on wikipedia that made my day:

A 2008 study concluded that diminished reserve did not affect the quality of oocytes and any reduction in quality in diminished reserve women was age related.[6]One expert concluded: in young women with poor reserve when eggs are obtained they have near normal rates of implantation and pregnancy rates, but they are at high risk for IVF cancellation; if eggs are obtained, pregnancy rates are typically better than in older woman with normal reserve.

I guess I just have to take each day as it comes, and try to find a little hope in whatever I can.