Tag Archives: insemination

Pregnancy Fear

Fear.

Something all pregnant women experience. Whether about ‘being a mum’ or being ready or having the right things and breast feeding. We all worry and are fearful about something.

But, and I hope that my infertility friends out there agree. There is something about us women with issues that changes this fear.

It becomes an all consuming, infestation of fear. It eats away at our positivity, our happiness and leaves us with a putrid rotting mess of fear and worries.

Even when we do get that BFP, we panic until we have seen a scan, with two weeks till your next scan you ride a wave of joy for a week until the fear virus erodes away at your excitement until your a quivering nervous wreck again at your next scan convinced something bad has happened and your babies been taken away.

I have the virus. I have the fear. My 12 week scan is on Friday, 5 days away, and I am terrified to look at the screen terrified something will have happened.

I have fleeting panics about ‘silent’ miscarriages because my sister in law had one. Moments of mental anxiety so severe I swear my heart will start will bleed with fear.

With every disappearing symptom I convince myself its not because that’s to be expected nearing the end of the first trimester but because something bass happened.

We dislike the symptoms but they are a reassurance. A comfort knowing your bodies responding to the baby growing.

I have one small comfort, I developed a new symptom the other night, a persistent sour taste that won’t go away. It’s gross but I know it’s a good sign, so I’m clinging desperately to it hoping it will provide me some kind of antibiotic to my fear virus.

I just need Friday to come and the doctors to give me the all clear.

I have everything crossed.

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Evaporation Line vs. Positive Pregnancy Test

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11DPO….

If women who are trying to get pregnant aren’t tortured enough, there is something so heinous, so vile, that I wouldn’t wish it upon my enemy…

Evaporation lines.

Basterds.

They are these little second lines that appear after you have taken the test. Except they aren’t bright pink.

If your anything like me, you pee on a stick, don’t get an instant result and throw it away after less than a minute skulking back to bed. Then when you wake up 40 minutes later you rush back downstairs, take out the discarded pregnancy test, and have another look… just to see… even though you know your not supposed to look after 10 minutes.

Evaporation lines, give you hope. They play with your mind and make you think theres a shred of hope. Evaporation lines are grey and not pink. And are just left over from the test, it doesn’t mean your pregnant.

F*** you google. Ruined my day. I hate you. I want to cry but I don’t… so I won’t. On the inside, I am crushed. GUTTED, broken.

I’ve attached my evaporation lines… taken from three different angles!!

I think its grey. My wife thinks it’s pink.

Because I am that crazy, I took two normal photos, and then decided to take a macro shot… a shot like a microscope… you get WAY close to it… When you do that the line looks grey… no baby…

You decide…

Edited 23rd Nov 2015 – I decided to come back and edit this post because it still gets a lot of hits. For any woman coming to read this post now, I want to you know there is hope… That evaporation line turned out to be pink and the earliest positive pregnancy test possible! I was pregnant, I carried to term, and now I have a beautiful boy. Keep going. You will fall pregnant. <3

The Great Dane and Sacha's Flower!

Well that’s it! I have been inseminated!…. AGAIN. Roll on the tortuous two week wait!!

This is a photo of the waiting room

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I called the post the Great Dane because every time we get inseminated the sperm seems to come from someone enormous!! First time they were 6″4 this time 6″2. Am I just destined to have a HUGE baby?!

The midwife said it was a perfect insemination! Whatever that means. But this cycle I decided to put the neurotic obsessive Sacha to bed and just chill out. If it works it works if it doesn’t ill try again. I think knowing IVF is only a few months away helps. But either way I have been sociable and also started rock climbing in the past couple of weeks. I just decided that I had to stop letting it take over my entire life. I was starting to get really unhealthy about the whole situation and it wasn’t good for my mental state. Anyway as a result I feel way more positive about this insemination. All we have done is laugh and joke today and we are both a lot more hopeful that it might (big might) work. Anyway suffice to say this isn’t going to consume me… Well at least not today anyway!!

The midwife was hilarious she decided to have a full blown conversation with the wife through my legs whilst I was just hanging out there!! FooFoo on full display… Needless to say I felt pretty awkward. More so though when she then wiped away excess lubricant from my nether regions!! I mean I know they are being nice and doing their job but… I can wipe my own whatsit!!

Even though ive had my noonoo out a million times since January this was all a bit much for me!! Maybe I’m just too British, these European countries seem so much more liberal about nudity and such like!!

Anyway after it was all done she just sat there talking through my legs… I was like umm should I move?! She was like that’s up to you!! Haha. I guess my bits are just like all the other bits she sees day in and day out! Guess it was just me feeling awkward then!

Anyway… Here’s to 14 days of torture!! ;p

Depression. Muses. Life.

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I am feeling worse than ever. I saw the above picture today, and I just cried. For me it’s such an inspirational picture. It takes me back to when I was travelling. Reminds me of the breath taking Himalayan mountains I trekked through. The peace I found when I was there. I want nothing more right now than to run away and climb into a big dark hole, hiding away from the world forever.

I want to be that girl in the photo. I should be that girl in the photo. All I ever wanted to do was go to uni and go travelling. Bum around the world for a while, sucking life experiences in and just ‘being’. No responsibilities, no plans, no cares. Coming from someone so anal, and organised I surprised myself at how much I enjoyed travelling. But I really did find a kind of peace when I was away. A kind of silence. Like the silence late at night when it’s snowed or is snowing. When it’s 1am, and nothing moves not even the air… Travelling was my muse, it inspired me, it humbled me and it gave me peace.

I am a shell, a living breathing carcass right now.

The last year has crushed me.

I don’t think I even know who I am anymore.

The stress of my family during the wedding, the job that has sucked every ounce of individuality out of me and forced a monotonous drone of boring beige routine into my life, and worst into me…. but worst of all the fertility issue.

I have been in and out of depression enough over the last 18 months because of ‘life’ but right now… it truly has to be the worst place I have been in…

I just cant cope.

My senior manager told me the other day that he couldn’t believe how well I was coping. He said no one would notice that something so horrific was happening to me. He said that I was really strong, and he was very impressed with my resilience.

It’s a facade. I am a fake. A plastic temporary smile, that I wear for 8 hours a day that drains every last ounce of anything I have in me.

He shouldn’t be impressed. He might think I am still brilliant, I am coasting through the days just to keep myself going. I am on autopilot… again.

I just didn’t picture my life like this, when I think back, this picture, that girl… that’s who I was going to be. I think that’s why the photo has struck such a deep resonance with me.

I have started testing my ovulation again today… when I ovulate this week, we will be flying to Denmark to try insemination.

The wife is so positive that it scares me. I already feel like a failure, my body… my ovaries are inadequate and I don’t want to disappoint her if the insemination doesn’t work. It only has a 25% chance of working at the best of times, let alone with my problems. I am also worried because I have been trying to be really healthy, but I seem to have got a cold this week… that is not going to help me get pregnant… more worries.

Then the thought of actually getting pregnant is also terrifying. All the life changes, I am still trying to get my head around it all, giving up everything I thought I was going to have, that was who I was going to be in my 30’s… not in my mid twenties. The next 5 years were meant to be fun before we tried to have a family…. I just can’t get my head around it. I just can’t. Why hasn’t someone told me it’s all a big mistake yet? WHY?????

I just…

I am in a very dark, very strange, very lonely place right now. Words are failing me, I just can’t explain where my head is. I don’t want to talk to anyone, I don’t want to see anyone, I don’t want to do anything. I can feel myself locking down, and shutting the world out and theres nothing I can do about it. I can’t muster enough ‘me’ to talk about how I feel. I don’t fucking know how I feel. That’s probably the problem. I don’t have words. The complexity of emotions I am feeling right now is indescribable.

I feel bad because I know I should be communicating, but I just don’t want to talk, about anything to anyone. I don’t want to have to justify myself, and I don’t want to explain my feelings. I just want to be quiet and for it all to go away. I want to wake up in the morning and be that girl in the photo…

But I won’t.

I am going to wake up… still be Sacha, still be depressed, still have a job I hate, and still have fertility issues.

Sacha is Broken.

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I am broken,

I am broken,

I am broken.

Lost, in a dark pit of self loathing, and scornful hatred.

My skin is crawling with the rank stench of pity.

Their pity.

Their pity is anchoring my heavy soul further into this dark pit.

I am a failure.

I am a failure.

I am a failure.

I don’t work. I am abnormal, and I am pitied.

My heart is solidifying with sympathy,

A coal like sludge suffocating the pain inside.

I am pitied.

Their repetitions of comfort agitating my twisted, unstable mind.

I can’t breathe,

I can’t breathe,

I can’t breathe.

Three parent families… Genetically

I wrote this post on QueerLandia yesterday hoping that it would generate some discussion, but it hasn’t so I thought I would blog it here, and add some more too it as well, in the hope it generates more discussion.

I saw this in the news a couple of weeks ago, and have been meaning to blog about it for a little while. I am hoping it generates a discussion….

The news reported that some scientific trials to make three parent embryos have taken place, and the UK has now launched a consultation on the matter.

The trials have been coined ‘three-parent in vitro fertilisation’ (IVF) because the offspring would have genes from a mother, a father and from a female donor, who donates some of her DNA.

The original purpose is to prevent some genetic diseases from being passed on. In particular mitochondrial diseases that are passed on genetically through the maternal line and are incurable. So they take out the culprit DNA and replace it with the female donors DNA.

One reporter poses the following questions about this:

how is a child born from this sort of technique might feel?; whether the child should be told?; whether their sense of identity might be affected?; what the rights of the female donor might be?; whether the donation of mitochondrial DNA should be viewed as similar to egg or sperm donation, or more like blood or tissue donation?; and who should decide who can access the treatments?

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/health-and-fitness/three-parent-embryos-unnerve-ethicists/article4553114/ 

They claim it raises ethical issues because it is the first step to creating designer babies. I am not sure how I feel about that.

Having recently got married, babies are  definitely on my radar, I have been to a fertility show recently and the options are vast.  We both went in thinking we wanted to do it a certain way, and came out totally confused and completely unsure of how we wanted to conceive. Like did you know that a heterosexual couple only has a 10-14% of getting pregnant at any one time. Therefore the same chances can be applied to IUI (intrauterine insemination) if you do it without drugs that is. With the aid of drugs some clinics claim their chances of getting you pregnant are as high as 40%. I have to say I left feeling pretty pessimistic and naive about the whole affair. I had gone thinking it wouldn’t be a walk in the park, and would cost a lot but I certainly didn’t have any concept of how slim the chances are in relation to how much it would cost. Because its either low chances of fertility or you need to remortgage your house in order to afford it.

ANYWAY

I will be the carrier, my wife has no interest in carrying, BUT, I am desperate to have a child that is genetically both of ours. At the moment that cannot happen, or so I thought. This is why when I saw this article and heard it on the news, my ears immediately pricked up. For me the question isn’t so much about designer babies, but about the opportunities this brings to homosexual people. Does this mean that my wife and I could both parent a child??

Could two men both genetically parent a child??

Is that right? Is it ethical? Is it moral?

I want the answer to be yes, but maybe I am being selfish and only thinking about how desperate I am to carry both mine and my wifes genetic child. Is that right, should I be thinking that way? To me, it doesn’t seem like an ethical problem but a gift, and a miracle.

I would be very interested in what everyone else thought……???????