Tag Archives: low AMH

All Things Pregnancy

5 weeks 6 days

So I seem to have acquired a pretty hefty backlog of blogs I owe myself and other fellow bloggers, so I will sit here tonight and write them and set them to upload over the next few days…

So pregnancy…

Anyone else ever experience denial? I think its the shock, I just cant seem to accept the fact I am pregnant. I just cant believe it, I mean part of me does obviously. I duno it is just so surreal…

I mean I have now done 18…. 18 pregnancy tests… a little psycho I know…

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That was this mornings… the test line is now darker than the control line…. mental, I look at these tests every morning and just think, how am I creating positive pregnanct tests!!

My boobs STILL hurt, I mean they are so fricking huge now I literally need a hammock to carry these bazungers around!! Genuinely, the below photo is how big a bra I need now!! no joke!!

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I am tired, but not like I was, instead I seem to be experiencing constant bloating, and some serious aversions to certain smells. The other Mrs. Black, bleached the whole house the other night and tidied whilst I finished an essay, then when she came over to me, her hands stunk like something so vile, I cant even explain it, when I asked her what it was, she said bleach!! BLEACH?? I used to love the smell of bleach….

Well apparently not! she continued to waft her hands around me, so I promptly threw up!! That will learn her!!

Other than that, no major symptoms, a little cramping but nothing major.

I decided that I wanted to book in two early scans, so I am having a 7 week scan, and a 10 week scan. The 10 week scan mostly because we are going to Gran Canaria pride, and I want to know that our baby is ok just before we go, and also because if some of our friends find out, at 10 weeks with a couple of scans behind us, I am hoping it will be ok. I asked the midwife and she said it would be fine, and thats before we even have an official NHS scan, but I am a little more realistic than that and want some proof… I guess I am just anxious to know everythings alright. It feels like everywhere I look people are talking about miscarriage. My sister in law had a mis-miscarry which means she didn’t know, which I just cant think of anything worst, so I want an early scan to make sure everything is ok, to reassure us. Thats not crazy is it?

WhenI got in from work this evening though… it all became a little too official… we have a booking appointment… to see a real midwife, and I have a green booklet…. for all my pregnancy information and appointments….

Maternity Letter

 

Forgive me, I removed all the identifying information…. but

IS THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENING???

When am I going to stop being in denial???

I guess its because I dont want to get too excited until we get the all clear… role on May 18th…

The Great Dane and Sacha's Flower!

Well that’s it! I have been inseminated!…. AGAIN. Roll on the tortuous two week wait!!

This is a photo of the waiting room

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I called the post the Great Dane because every time we get inseminated the sperm seems to come from someone enormous!! First time they were 6″4 this time 6″2. Am I just destined to have a HUGE baby?!

The midwife said it was a perfect insemination! Whatever that means. But this cycle I decided to put the neurotic obsessive Sacha to bed and just chill out. If it works it works if it doesn’t ill try again. I think knowing IVF is only a few months away helps. But either way I have been sociable and also started rock climbing in the past couple of weeks. I just decided that I had to stop letting it take over my entire life. I was starting to get really unhealthy about the whole situation and it wasn’t good for my mental state. Anyway as a result I feel way more positive about this insemination. All we have done is laugh and joke today and we are both a lot more hopeful that it might (big might) work. Anyway suffice to say this isn’t going to consume me… Well at least not today anyway!!

The midwife was hilarious she decided to have a full blown conversation with the wife through my legs whilst I was just hanging out there!! FooFoo on full display… Needless to say I felt pretty awkward. More so though when she then wiped away excess lubricant from my nether regions!! I mean I know they are being nice and doing their job but… I can wipe my own whatsit!!

Even though ive had my noonoo out a million times since January this was all a bit much for me!! Maybe I’m just too British, these European countries seem so much more liberal about nudity and such like!!

Anyway after it was all done she just sat there talking through my legs… I was like umm should I move?! She was like that’s up to you!! Haha. I guess my bits are just like all the other bits she sees day in and day out! Guess it was just me feeling awkward then!

Anyway… Here’s to 14 days of torture!! ;p

Tortuous Two Week Wait

2WW

So this is it.

The tortuous two week wait has started.

I had my first IUI on valentines day. Ironic hey?!

I know I am kidding myself, thinking I could get pregnant on my first IUI.

But I can’t help it. Bloody human nature to be hopeful. I am just terrified of setting myself up to fail.

I mean I KNOW the odds are against us. The chances are fairly slim even if you have no fertility issues. Most women take 3 – 4 IUIs before a successful pregnancy.

UGH.

I feel like the picture. The tests, in fact the whole process is waving a big fuck you in my face at the moment. Laughing at me, because theres nothing I can do but sit and wait for hours, days, weeks… ok just two weeks, but honestly, it feels like a lifetime. A full blown, eon of time before I can take a test!

I am slightly unsure of when to test too. I am due on, on the 27th Feb. But thats only 13 days after treatment, and usually your due 14 days after. So if I tested, I am not sure if I would get a false positive or vice a versa. The clinic said to wait 16 days. But that would be a few days after I was due on…. which might be a give away!

I have our NHS appointment on the 26th, so part of me wants to test then, and according to the clear blue tests I could test as early as the 24/5th but no point testing early.

I have cramps, supposedly you can get cramps after IUI and its normal, I had a minute amount of bleeding yesterday too. Again apparently thats normal. But cramps are still there on day 2.

They are off putting. My head knows they are IUI linked. But part of you, the irrational, illogical, emotional part of you wants desperately to cling to some shred, a sliver of hope that it might, just might be a sign.

I’m an idiot.

Mentally I keep slapping myself around the face, for being stupid, for clinging to any hope. I need to get real here. The odds are low. Plus this is my first time, I would have to have some serious luck to get pregnant first time.

The frustration I’m feeling has penetrated my skin, my cells, my every fibre. I woke up feeling irritable this morning, and exhausted.

The emotional journey we have been on since before Christmas, is draining my energy reserves to nil, in fact, I think I am in debt with myself!!

Whilst I might be able to see a light at the end of the tunnel. A tiny pee stick might ruin it all. Throw a big Fuck You my way, and thats it. All over for another month.

I suppose the one ‘small mercy’ I have at the moment, is my cycle is so short, that if I do get a BFN (Big fat negative) I only have 10 days to wait before I would go back to Denmark to try again…

I feel like irony is playing tricks on me, if I have to go back to Denmark, the next time will be on my birthday. What is it with me and dates?

If it does work this time, I will hit 12 weeks and be able to tell my friends whilst were all on holiday at Gran Canaria pride!

And there I go again, trying to piece tiny, insignificant nothings together to find some shred of ‘pregnancy’ or fate or anything.

Two Weeks… Two Weeks… Two Weeks… I hate two weeks.

Fortnights are not my friend any more.

I keep falling prey to ‘googling’

No woman trying to get pregnant should use google. It should be banned, locked down and banished from your life.

I am beginning to think its the ‘google of death.’ You end up in this vicious pattern, of googling one desperate question after the next. Getting more anxious and upset each time. One answer sends you flying on a blanket of elation, the next, down into a depressive tear ridden mess.

Everyone said it would be an emotional journey. It really is.

I have taken to wearing some Danish Kronor. I got these whilst over there, change for our train tickets I think. But now I’m wearing them round my neck… for luck I guess.

Another stupid made up superstition.

*slaps self mentally*

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How the hell am I going to get through the next 11 days?

This is pain.

But  pain of a whole different nature.

It’s pain you cant feel physically.

It’s a nasty squirming sensation. A plague that infects the veins in your brain. Wriggles its way around your cerebrum. Nudging and irritating you just often enough you don’t forget it is STILL 11 days…… or 264 hours, or 15,840 minutes.

Sounds like a lifetime.