Tag Archives: rainbow families

Why being a lesbian mum is exactly the same and completely different

There are some fundamental things about motherhood that just don’t change. You will change umpteen nappies, and as a result you will get baby poop and other bodily liquids over most of your limbs at one point or another. Generally speaking however you obtain a child (no, not theft, I’m talking adoption, fertility treatment or in a plethora of other ways) it’s come from the same place – a womb. There will be a time – if you have a newborn or very young baby – where you don’t sleep, you will feel like the walking dead and you won’t know who you are; one day you will find you self sat on the sofa in yesterday’s underwear, bloodshot eyes with bags the size of houses, unbrushed teeth that still look clean because you can’t remember the last time you ate, smeared with poop, a few bubbles of sick down one arm, and some crusty snot thrown in for good measure. That happens. To everyone who’s a parent believe me. There’s other things, like the fact that once your a parent there really is no going back – particularly for those that have carried and birthed a child, once you have that baby your life will never be the same again. It takes time to go back to feeling like yourself, but that self is very much a different self. Whoever you were before you had a child is gone, held captive by your long forgotten and never to return youth. Whoever you were is most definitely not returning. But that’s ok. This new you is a better you anyway!

Thats the stuff that’s the same. Seems like everything, right? Wrong. The differences are invariably cultural. Its always cultural. It’s those little things that make our lives that bit harder. The worst bit, is it starts before your child’s even born.

Take your antenatal classes – a class full of straight couples. Where does the non birth mother sit? For the sake of this and any ongoing blogs I post (and my word count!) the non birth mother will be referred to as ‘mama’ and birth mother (mum). Where should the mama sit? It’s not really with the mums – they are all discussing the trials and tribulations of pregnancy and their fears of labour. But it’s also not really with the dads who are more concerned with discussing where the closest dominoes pizza place is to the hospital.

Throughout pregnancy I felt sorry for my wife – she would tell people she’s having a child and within about three seconds a haze of confusion would melt over their face as their eyes would unsubtly drop to her stomach and back to her face a few times. It’s still not ‘normal’ enough for people to just accept that two women can have a baby.

Even after pregnancy and labour it continues – but the problem is – the differences are between your friends and you. I am sure that to a certain extent straight couples who have kids young experience similar things. The friends who begin to slip away because they ‘just don’t get it’. They are incapable of compromising or being understanding to the fact that organising a night out is the equivalent to party planning for the royals. It takes serious time and effort, you can’t just go out at the drop of a hat. And, lets be honest, most of the time you don’t want too either, not because you’re a bore, but because if you do go out – the consequences will reach further than just a saturday morning hangover. You’re going to be tired long into thursday – especially when your child decides to start teething again – at that very moment you went out and let your hair down – commence a week or two of exhaustion. That bit – is probably the same.

But for the LGBT circle, the current generation of young’uns (17-35) we seem to be taking life in the slow lane. The majority of people who are having children in this gayby boom are 35 plus in the LGBT world – obviously I’m not saying everyone, there are also pockets of exceptions – but in my world – most if not all the LGBT parents I have met are 35 plus – in fact thats kind of mimicked with the hetero-parents I’ve met too. The difference this makes is – most of my friends are still in the culture of being concerned with where the next night out is coming from and who’s round is next. most still live at home with mum and dad, and few have careers sorted or any kind of concept of where they want to be when they grow up. Indeed any kind of mention of commitment and you got yourself a full on epi pen needing allergic reaction. Why is our generation of young LGBT so frightened of commitment? few if any of my friends have had relationships longer than a couple of years. It makes me feel like a freakshow – not only am I LGBT and therefore in a minority group as it is – but I’m a minority within a minority – a young LGBT person with a child, who actually had the child in a lesbian relationship and whats more, gave birth.

Other major differences include the ‘questioning’ when you come across a straight couple with a newborn – usual questions include: Oh how adorable – how much did they weigh? How was the birth? Do they sleep?

Now – we tend to get one or two of those normal questions and then you get hit with the- ‘I’m going to look really awkward and shift from foot to foot because I know what I’m about to ask is rude, but I’m going to do it anyway!’ – face and then the barrage of “oh so, er, how did you do it then?” most of the time I feel like responding with an equally stupid answer “do what? get my hair styled this way?, do what look this good on no sleep?” etc etc. Other stupid questions include “do you know the donor?” “are you both called mum”

Seriously, next time a straight couple asks me how I ‘did it’ I’m going to ask them how they got pregnant too, see how they like them apples!

I’m ranting – but I have a point, we face regular interrogations from joe public, and even from our parents. My own dad commented that he wasn’t really sure how it would ‘be’ raising a male child with two mums. “Where’s the balance” I remember him saying. He ate his own words though when he visited because he then said “I don’t think I’ve met a happier child.”

There are probably a million other differences I could name, but my rant just ran out of steam! For any of you LGBT mummies out there – anyone else able to add irritations to the list?

How Big is your Bump?

How big is your bump?

31 weeks and 4 days.

Today I nearly lost my rag. So this I fear, will be a Rant of epic proportions.

I like to think that I am a women of patience, a women who rarely explodes and maintains a calm aurar. But after 31 and a half weeks of pregnancy I about lost the plot today. Biting my tongue is an understatement.

In this society we have an obsession with weight and beauty – shop stands are littered with magazines of size zero women, women who are ‘too curvy’ ‘not curvy enough’ ‘hips too wide, not wide enough’ ‘boobs too small, too big’ blah blah and everything in between. This is the pressure society puts on women who aren’t pregnant… Comments like this push teenagers to fast, binge and become anorexic or bulimic. The marketing and imagery pushed into mainstream media causes teenagers and young adults to have seriously damaged mindsets and views of their self image and body.

But when it comes to pregnancy, there seems to be this whole other level of opinion and views that general ‘people’ in society want to give and have over you.

‘People’ seem to think that its ok to pass open judgement and comments on your figure and size whilst your pregnant.

‘Oh your massive’

‘what do you mean you STILL have 8 weeks to go? Oh my god your going to be huge’

‘oh your tiny’

‘what a neat little bump you have’

‘god your going to have an enormous baby aren’t you’

After 31 weeks of this bullshit, I am really genuinely sick and fucking tired of people making comments about my size. What the fuck makes people think they have the right to pass such openly RUDE judgement on my size and shape. Why is it ok for them to tell me I’m ‘huge’ or ‘tiny’ or anything in between JUST because I’m pregnant. You wouldn’t turn around to a young women and tell her she was massive or tiny, or anything – you don’t say it, so seriously now what is it about being pregnant that makes people think they have the right to say whatever the fuck comes into their head?

The detrimental effect it is having on my mindset is horrendous – I had a poor self image before I was pregnant and was most concerned about how I was going to look and the awful stretch marks that would appear and whether or not I would feel fat and could I get rid of the weight after and blah blah blah. But I get a daily onslaught of judgements and comments from the general public or people in lifts in corridors and it is exhausting. I am tired of having to listen to what other people think about my size and weight and shape. I am struggling to maintain my sanity and sane perspective on the fact that I AM pregnant, which means I will have a bump and a few stretch marks and it will take time to lose the weight but lots of other women do it, so I can too, but I cannot place ‘societies’ expectations on myself – I will lose the weight as and when I lose it, and its fine, its ok.

I know that every women who has ever been pregnant will have experienced this – so I am wondering what witty quips you all came up with to counter those rude and ignorant arseholes out there….??

An Historic Day for British LGBT People

Today was an historic day for British LGBT people.

Any piece of legislation in the UK must jump through several hoops before it gets passed into law. Including, several ‘readings’ in the house of commons, debating, reports and committee stages. It then has to go through the same process in the house of lords. Then back to the house of commons for a final run through any amendments, before getting passed up to our dear old queeny for signing into law.

I am over the moon to announce that the same sex marriage bill has successfully gone through the house of lords today. Which means – thats it…. it WILL be law. In a blink of an eye, Queeny will be passing it into law, and by 2014 I will be able to marry my wife!

We had a civil partnership last year and will be one of the hundreds of thousands of LGBT partnerships converting as soon as possible.

I have noticed that France and New York have been celebrating their same sex marriage passings in a very public way….

 

945614_10151741708633112_1902902684_n imjhgages

Personally I am hoping that they either light up ‘Big Ben‘ the houses of parliament, or even better, ‘Buckingham Palace‘ !! but something tells me were still a tad conservative for that!!

Almost 10 weeks

So officially Im 9weeks and 5 days. And it’s getting progressively harder to stay quiet!!

We saw the nose, and it was wriggling around like crazy! It booted its leg out and we saw all its toes splayed. Then it wriggled its arms about and turned its back on us!!

But then… Just for a couple of seconds… We heard the heart beat!! 174 bpm amazing 🙂

It’s growing bang on size, the placentas growing and everything’s just perfect 🙂

20130502-222429.jpg