Tag Archives: Relationships

The Abomination That is Disney!

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The wife has always had a penchant for Disney. I on the other hand barely watched them as a child, preferring to have my head stuck firmly in the pages of dusty old books. Disney came up in conversation again recently – having pushed a small human out – and the fact she wanted to have a large collection of disney films ready for the boy to watch. Sky had a few on demand over Christmas, so we sat down and stuck The Little Mermaid (TLM) on.

I sat, aghast for the entire film. How has disney been able to produce films that are quite simply an abomination. People – and by people I refer to the murky world of ‘parents’ – seem to rave about disney and how good their films are…. Good?

Good – sure, if you count a hideously antifeminist, despicably amoral story that has nothing even remotely like the ethics or values I want my son to grow up with.

I hate to be a mermaid basher so I will start with a positive. Race equality – TLM is a great story about how love is equal across any race, Mermaid loves a human, different races, love conquers all blah, blah, blah, Great – this is a moral I can not only live with, but as a lesbian, actively promote and encourage. I want my child to know they can love whoever they want, no matter their race, creed, gender or otherwise.

The Film:

Issue 1: Ariel falls in love with the prince. – So wrong. She spontaneously falls in love with someone she has never spoken to and mostly just perved on, in a fairly stalkerish way from afar.

Would you encourage your kid to do this? I doubt it. I can already see the injunctions and restraining orders being slapped all over him, because a stupid film told him real love happens by stalking someone for two days. Ok, I am being facetious but you see my point. I would also like to point out I am not suggesting that I don’t believe in love at first sight. More that you need to have a reality check in real life, even if you do fall for someone instantly.
Issue 2: Ariel wants to change herself to be with him.

I hate to go all feminist ranty on you. Actually, I don’t hate it, I love a good feminist rant. In fact, any sort of rant. I digress – BUT don’t we have enough antifeminist-bullshit pressure to conform to the ultra skinny, rib protruding, size of a seven year old, bulimic-anorexic, vomit inducing ‘celebrity look’ society the media loves, without having it force-fed subconsciously to our infants. UGH. No woman…. Actually no man either, should ever have to change themselves to be with someone. Is it just me? Or do we spend hours of our lives giving advice to our perpetually confused friends on their relationships, and why it’s not ok for them to allow their partner to nag them into suppression?

Issue 3: The prince starts to fall for Ariel but then deserts her instantly for a disguised Ursula over something so shallow as her voice! He decides to marry Ursula immediately having spent all of no time getting to know her…

Where do I even start with this. It is not ok to teach my child that they can desert a woman (or man) based solely on a characteristic. Thats akin to suggesting it’s ok to leave their partner if they get fat, or a scar, or a disability. I mean SERIOUSLY. And then to marry the other woman because of that same characteristic, after what 2.5 milliseconds of time spent with said woman… sure thats an outstanding idea. I am positive all parents would approve of their kids doing this.

Issue 4: Instead of Ariel taking her pride and moving on she pandas to the prince and chases after him. 

This makes me want to claw my face off in frustration and resort to excessive amounts of alcohol. How low must her self confidence be to chase after a guy who only likes her because of her voice and will desert her as quickly as he met her for another woman simply because she lost that characteristic.

Issue 5: After all that the prince goes back to Ariel dumping Ursula and THEN kills Ursula just for good measure.

Now I just feel awkward. No one wants to date a psychopath, and lets be honest, the prince is looking more and more like a psychopath; with emotions unnecessarily fickle, and an assumption that it’s ok to off your ex…

Despite the fact I am resolute in knowing TLM is morally wrong, it’s not like theres anything better on the market. I think I may have to go investigate the other films!

Antenatal reasons why I love my wife!

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We went to our first of two antenatal classes the other night, and boy did it start awkwardly!

We rocked up fashionably late – by total accident – we both despise being late, and the wife had been sent home from work as she was in excruciating pain from her bad back still from the car accident – Anyway – she slept most of the day away after swallowing a load of painkillers the doc had given her. After an epic three hour snooze and with barely 30 minutes to get to class I finally plucked up enough courage to wake her from what can only be described as some kind of zombie death sleep! I really didn’t think I would be able to wake her!

We rocked up – slightly late – with EVERYONE gawping at us, as we were CLEARLY the only gays in the village! and we awkwardly sat in the last two remaining seats, right in front of the strangest tutor I have ever witnessed.

This tutor – paler than a vampire, with an accent that was so confused she must have lived in every country in the world.

During the course she brandished an alarming wooden plank that depicted the dilation of the cervix which she then proceeded to push a babies head through the 10cm circle… to which all the women began to cringe slightly and I tried not to whimper and sob in utter despair!

I was a bit disappointed in the class to be honest – I only found out one new piece of information about some vitamin K that the doctors give babies straight after birth. The wife was like… “what do you expect your a geek….” she has a point!

Anyway – What this class taught me, is that I absolutely, love my wife, and wouldn’t be without her.

The tutor split the class into ‘girls’ and ‘boys’ – so my poor wife made the awkward journey over to sit in the ‘boys’ circle to discuss how they were going to support their wives.

WELL….. having been surrounded by women for so long – I had completely forgotten how utterly useless men can be.

Suggestions they came up with included – making sure you had the take out number because they deliver to the maternity unit – clearly thinking about their stomachs.

When I suggested that they should pack the hospital bag because they would be rooting around it as we were going to be in no state to look for shit one of the men turned round and said

“thats the womens job” – DICK HEAD.

This made me cross so I verbally dropped him on his arse and everyone giggled.

Anyway – this continued, and all the good suggestions that they had come up with I would look over to my wife and mouth “did you say that?” and she would give me that cute little smirk she does and nod….

Sigh, swoon, so proud. bloody love my wife!! <3

 

Sacha has a wife!!

After a short break from blogging due to the wedding of the year… cough cough, yes I do mean mine! I am finally back! Although somewhat exhausted and dishevelled.

I am now a wife, and I have a wife!! Where do I even start…

So its the morning before the wedding, I am beyond rushed off my feet and I have gotten up extra early in order to pick my dad up from the airport, after having not gone to bed until ridiculous o clock making the wedding cakes. I wake up groggy and exhausted throw clothes on in the dark, and just as I am looking for my glasses and keys my dad rings telling me he has missed his flight.

RAGE

You can imagine my frustration at this news. I had zero time that day as I had back to back jobs, appointments and errands to do. He said he was going to try and get on to another flight, but I still wouldn’t of been able to go and get him from the airport as he missed his time slot in my minute by minute schedule!!!  So I had to ring around my friends and bridesmaids and try and harass one of them into doing it! which luckily I managed to do.

The night before the wedding I went out for a meal with some of my friends and with my dad. It was nice, although its a total blur now as it much of the day itself. I woke up at  4:45am the morning of the wedding in a massive panic about table names, and then couldn’t fall back to sleep, as I started stressing about all sorts of things.

When I got to the venue at 8:30am coffee in hand feeling somewhat bleary eyed, I went to get my cakes out to set them up to realise part of the front had fallen off. I managed to persuade the venue to let me use their pastry kitchen. So at 8:30am morning of the wedding I was in the kitchen throwing icing all over the place and trying to fix my cakes. It ended up EVERYWHERE!!! all over me, all over my joggers in my rollers, literally everywhere!! Suffice to say after dragging in my bridesmaids to hold this and cover that we managed to fix them and it was all good.

(did I mention that I made these…!!! So proud of myself!!! lol)

On a serious note, if you ever get married, pay someone to do the lot!! It’s not worth the stress of doing it yourself!

Now I didnt have much money left so I wanted to do something for my future wife and give her some small present that was a romantic gesture. Not being the most romantic person in the world that was particularly hard! However, I found in a little shop a black and red zebra print heart, so I decided to buy it, wrap it and send it down with a bridesmaid (because we didnt see each other the morning of or night before the wedding) with a card that said:

Today I am giving you my heart forever, please keep it safe

Well anyway I thought it was sufficiently soppy, and I was sufficiently pleased with myself.

She wrote me the most romantic letter I have ever received it was beautiful, touching and completely unexpected, she has dyslexia and therefore avoids writing most of the time as it frustrates her. However, she spent hours pouring over this letter and it was just beautiful and brought tears to my eyes.

With the cakes and sweet table complete:

My jobs for the morning were done and I could go and get ready. Which I did, and got slightly typsy as well, the wife (love saying that now!) sent up a glass of rose, and my mum had brought some seriously expensive champaign and strawberries.

In true british style it then went from glorious sun shine to pouring down with rain and so I got seriously upset. Control freak that I am everything was going swimingly, apart from the blasted rain. Which apparently as much as I will I still cant control. So we ended up getting married inside, which  I was disappointed about, but it made the wedding much much more intimate, so it turned out fine anyway.

Much to my surprise, because I am basically emotionless and my partner cries much much more often than me, she stayed perfectly tearless and I let out a few tears during the ceremony. I am still gobsmacked. More to the point I think I opened a flood gate, because I proceeded to cry for the following three days, my best friend emigrated to Oz so cried then, and for various other bits and bobs too!!

The ceremony was beautiful. Everything was perfect. The meal and reception were perfect.

We had so many compliments it was delightful.

 

I have now been married 10 days 🙂 and I am extremely happy, and relaxed, if not exhausted because we got married on the wednesday and went back to work on the Monday, honeymoon is later in the year. So this weekend I am trying to stay as restful as possible!!!

You know… I thought I would feel the same. In our relationship. But I dont. Somethings different, better, more secure, teamy, solid, I cant put my finger on it just yet, but I will keep trying….

 

My lesbian love story…

With a little over 5 weeks until the big day, (wedding day) I thought you might like to hear how I met my future wife

In true Sacha style, not only was my proposal unique (that’s a story for another day), so was the way I met my beautiful partner.

As if fate had always intended, not only did I live on the same street as my future girlfriend, we had mutual friends, and I worked in the pub she drank in.

I must have served her a million times before we met, and for some reason we had never noticed each other.

That’s a good thing because we were both in relationships.

About three and a half years ago on exactly the same day, fate struck again. We both became single, under different circumstances but it happened on exactly the same day. Both having been in substantial relationships neither of us were particularly fussed about meeting someone.

Exactly six days later….

I was at work, had been in the kitchen of my student bar so stank of chip fat and grease, but a mutual friend of ours persuaded me to grab my spare t shirt and head to the club. So off I went with my stinky work combat pants and spare t shirt, no make up and no hair done, generally looking a state, and slide up to the bar to cue for a pint. At this point my future girlfriend apparently spotted me with our mutual friend at the bar (I was oblivious at this point) so she decided to grab my attention.

She trotted up to the bar and barged passed me shunting me to the side as she whispered in our mutual friends ear. Furious I turned round ready to scruff this random rude girl up. I looked at her, and melted instantly. She was genuinely the most beautiful women I had ever seen. I felt sick with butterflies.

She went back to wherever she came from and I grabbed our mutual friend gasping “who’s your friend? Tell me she’s gay and tell me she’s single??”

The mutual friend groaned and said she is, but only recently I wouldn’t go there if I were you.

Too late.

I was hook line and sinker for this gorgeous women.

I made our mutual friend introduce me, and we stood chatting, I was barely able to make conversation I was so hideously full of butterflies and adrenaline.

There was at this point another girl, who was obsessively chasing me and I had absolutely no interest in her. I told the future girlfriend this and she said, bold as brass in front of me “well why don’t you let me kiss you in front of her, and she might go away…?” she said grinning at me with her cute white teeth and mesmerising smile.

I about threw up there and then, and felt my legs want to give way. I giggled completely unable to utter a response, and wished beyond anything that she would just kiss me, and ravish me right there in the club. I wanted her. BAD.

We spent the rest of the night chatting and talking, she had me wrapped around her little finger instantly, and I was captivated by every syllable she said. Four of us went back to my house for a while and then we walked everyone back down our road a few houses and into her house. We chatted until the early hours of the morning. It must have been about 4 or 5am and I started to shiver  her house was not the warmest, so she went to get me a duvet. The four of us carried on chatting and I sat on the sofa next to her as she laid the duvet over us. Our mutual friend sat on the other side.

Whilst we carried on chatting she put her hands under the duvet, and edged it closer to mine. I could feel the warmth from her hand getting closer to mine and it made my stomach churn.

Our little fingers connected, and I could feel the electricity between us. We held hands under the duvet till the light came up. I said good night we her number in my phone, and walked home with a grin I couldn’t remove.

We spoke all week and met up a few days later. A week after we met, on my birthday, all our friend were out, it was a london underground party and I was dressed as ‘Angel’ a slower song was being played by the Dj and we sidled up to each other dancing slowly arms locked around her neck. She looked into my eyes and her soft lips touched mine. It was the most delicious kiss I have ever had, and all our friends cheered whilst they danced around us!

That was three and a half years ago. Now, in 5 weeks time, she will be my wife.

I will tell you how she proposed next time!

 

NOTE: This is not actually us!!

THIS IS NOT US!!!!!

A parody on the lesbian love cycle… you won't like it, but it's probably true!

I’ve been dumped.

My hearts breaking because lets face it, this time she was THE love of my life. I loved all the tiny things she did for me, like holding my leg whilst I drove, the way she used to kiss my shoulder when she came in from work… *sob* *sob*

It was a messy break up, over some weeks, and I begged her back, but its definitely over this time.

I cried hysterically for a week. Huddled desperately under my covers where I can still smell her perfume (because obviously I haven’t changed the covers since she moved out last weekend).

My mates have called… repeatedly because ‘she’ ended your relationship on Facebook. Seriously should have hidden my relationship status.

I refused to get out of bed for two days, cause my eyes were as puffy as a merengue.

I am ashamed to say it but I called in sick to work.

Obviously I felt sick so didn’t eat for a week, and this is probably the only good thing to happen in the last month.

I lost the stone of happy fat I gained from all those ‘oh lets not go out, but stay in and have a take-away’ nights.

*Note to self, don’t get fat in next relationship*

Finally I zombied my way through the rest of the week. Got to Friday, depressed and hungry.

Ready to fall asleep in front of the sofa with large pot of Ben and Jerry’s to console myself with, when the doorbell rings.

Now clearly the last thing I want to do is go out on the lash. I do not need a rebound women and I certainly could do without the hangover.

It’s three of my best mates. They rush around me, forcing wine down my neck, mascara and eyeliner on my face, and routing through my rather over full washing bag for the least smelly tank top and jeans.

Haulling me out the door (now with several wines down my neck) I am surprised to find I am actually feeling slightly better. I haven’t seen them for ages either.

We reach the inevitable lesbian bar, because its not like we ever go anywhere else! and its the same old lesbians out. I panic thinking that ‘she’ might be out.

She’s not. My friends checked.

Moving to where they have all perched themselves I see this SERIOUSLY hot girl in my group of friends. ER.. who is she and why have I not met her before?!

a) Obviously because you haven’t been out in months Sacha! –

b) I look rough, besides my left eye is still puffy and it’s making me look like I am wincing at something

c) I don’t want a one night stand or a rebound.

Before I know it (because I don’t know how to flirt) I have brought her a drink and we are talking like old friends that have known each other for years.

Several ‘standard’ things happen next:

1. We exchange numbers

2. We have a kiss

3. We arrange to see each other the next day. *why do lesbians always do this?* I Must learn to play hard to get!

4. Inevitably we see each other everyday for the next week.

5. We spend the next weekend (the WHOLE weekend) having sex… day and night.

6. Repeat steps 3 – 6 for a couple of months

I have forgotten all about my ex, theres only remnants of her left in old photos on Facebook. I haven’t thought about her for weeks and the odd abusive text I received I’ve just deleted anyway incase the new gf sees it.

Three Months…

My mates keep mocking me claiming I’ve *uhaulled* But I only have some vague memory of what u-haulling means (I think it was in the L word?!)… something about moving in together too quickly. We totally haven’t though.

Ok, her tooth brushes at mine, and all her washings in my laundry bag, but that doesn’t mean anything.

No, I can’t remember the last time I spent a night away from her.

We aren’t living together.

Six Months….

She’s amazing, all those little things she does for me, the way she curls my hair when we watch telly…on those nights we would rather stay in, and get a take out.

How cute she looks in my hoodies she keeps borrowing… permanently.

In fact, I am starting to get confused as to who’s jumpers who’s now.

I am so happy, I really can’t remember life before her.

I am, IN LOVE. This time she REALLY is the love of my life. I know it. We are going to be together forever. We even joke about what ring I’d buy her every time we walk passed the jewellers in town.

We always go out matching. Its so cute.

WAIT.

I know what your thinking, I can hear you saying it.

We haven’t merged.

Honestly. We’re just matching.

Our hair cuts don’t look that similar. Do they?

Yeah ok, we went to the same hairdressers, but hers was so much better than mine anyway.

Look, just because we were both wearing converse trainers this week…  alright and last time we went out… Hers were well different, they had like… different laces and stuff… plus they were blue and mine were black.

One Year…

Ok so, we aren’t having sex that often. When was the last time she came home and ravished me anyway? I swear there use to be more passion.

I’ll admit, I do keep snapping at her, but she keeps leaving her shoes everywhere, or leaving food on her plate instead of scrapping it in the bin; That’s the only reason I get annoyed.

I am starting to lose contact with my friends. I can’t remember the last time I went out on a night out without her. To be honest we don’t really going out that often any more either.

18 Months…

We bicker all the time.

We’re suffering from lesbian bed death. Our sex life is DEAD.

No more going out. Nothing.

Other than nights in, with Binx… the cat we brought together a couple of months ago, when we finally admitted we had been living together forever. Deep down I think we thought it would save our relationship.

It hasn’t.

Then out of the blue. I come home and her bags are packed.

She’s leaving me. I beg, BEG, her to stay, I can’t remember life without her. She’s amazing, we can sort our relationship out, I can communicate how I am feeling, I will try I swear it. I’ll stop snapping.

We try again. For a while. It doesn’t work, and we sink back into our same old rut.

We break up.

A week later we decide to try again.

This went on for a while.

Eventually it ended. SHE ended it.

Breaking my heart… again. (When will I learn?)

I’ve called in sick.

I’ve been hibernating under my covers with puffy eyes and Binx for three days… waiting for Friday night to come and my friends to rescue me….