As my dear friend likes to tell me on a regular basis.
This causes problems.
Mostly for other people, but occasionally for myself.
Particularly when people can’t handle me, and they make me feel like I need to moderate myself on their behalf. We don’t tend to stay acquainted for long.
Working in the public sector being a conniption is a massive problem.
People are often unsure how to take me, I am admittedly slightly unstable, (in a conniptiony type way- not mentally!) and they are never sure if I will react to something with a fit of rage, or a fit of hysterical laughter.
When someone has something important, or controversial to tell me I can see their unconscious wincing before they open their mouth… and then they brace themselves for whatever reaction they might get.
If I had more of a heart I’d feel bad about it. But I shan’t apologise for who I am, and if I missed a few emotional DNA strands along the whole birthing process well that ain’t really my fault is it?!
Thing is, usually I respond with red rage. This is normally a burst of momentary rage.
I would speak loudly.
(This is most important. I find it highly irritating that people always tell me that I shout at them.
I am loud ALL THE TIME! Just because your little ears can’t handle any noise above a whisper, does not mean I am shouting)
I might spew some profanities at whomever had irritated me this time. This adds to their perception of me shouting.
I am not shouting. I am talking loudly, and….passionately.
And thats another thing. Why do people always take my passion for aggression?
I am loud, and passionate, therefore I MUST be aggressive?
AND WHY, why do they try to make out like its a bad thing, and make you feel bad for it?
Well I don’t, I am entirely proud of me, and won’t be made to feel bad about it.
Generally after an outburst of my inner hulk If you give me five minutes, I am over it.
They usually aren’t… for quite some time.
I don’t get this.
If people stopped getting offended all the time, we would all get on a lot better. People say offensive things to me all the time, you don’t see me crying over it.
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” “sticks and stones”
For example, my manager recently told me:
” You really need to be a little bit less Sacha. Your personality is a risk to your reputation.”
I instantly felt my inner hulk smashing at my skin to get out.
However I did have several mental senarios run through my head – mostly of jumping across the desk and savagely punching him in the face, knocking a few teeth out and wiping the satisfied smirk smile off of their face.
I did none of them and contained myself, with great mental sacrifice.
After an hour long lecture from my manager about how I need to moderate myself, and how bad my personality is blah blah blah… As I left the scene of crime, my manager had the cheek to tell me not to get road rage on the way home.