I am watching my life through Eden’s eyes.
I am at his mercy.
My glass was always half empty, so I didn’t really notice it becoming less and less full. Eden didn’t arrive with some grandeur entrance, he snuck quietly into my life and changed everything. But nothing was sudden, and I always thought it would be.
I will never see the world through the naive eyes I used to have. Those eyes are gone. They were taken from me. Stolen. He stole them. Eden selfishly took them for himself; replacing them with his old broken ones. The tragedy is, I didn’t notice. Not until I was already looking through his battered eyes.
Until I met Eden, I didn’t actually understand the concept of numb. To really feel nothing.
‘Nothing’, is like infinity.
You can’t conceptualize infinity, and you can’t really imagine ‘nothing’ either. But, I feel nothing. No happiness, no sadness, no pain. Eden took it all away, piece-by-piece. Now I watch my life play out through his eyes.
My life is Eden’s phantom limb. I see it, but it isn’t really there. I used to feel it, but now there’s nothing.
All I can do is look through Eden’s window whilst he torments me. Makes me watch whole days pass by, actions, movements, people. Still I feel nothing. I look at my life, like a leg submerged in water, the ripples make it seem detached, disjointed somehow.
Every day he tears another piece of my soul off, ripping it apart and letting it crumble into ashes.
Eden was my dirty little secret. I was ashamed of him, because I was strong. I was meant to be unbreakable.
But he broke me so easily. I am weak. Useless.
I don’t remember how we met, but now I fight him every day. I beg him to leave, plead with him; and when he doesn’t I punish myself for ever meeting him.
I don’t want him in my life any more, but I am trapped. I am only a phantom limb.
By Sacha Black.
Eden is my depression.