Monthly Archives: October 2012

Writers Fear

‘Writers Fear’ is real, I have it.

I reached a point of self doubt and self loathing and fear of failure, and its sucking me dry. I am at a point in the planning where I ought to be making definitive decisions, or at least my brain is telling me that I should. I have got quite far through, but have the last hard slog of final character plotting, and deciding what happens in which chapter, but instead of doing it and getting on with it, I have been paralysed with fear.

I cant seem to do anything. I am finding excuses for not writing in the studio… some reasonable, like the fact I don’t have a stool high enough to fit the table, but the point is I am procrastinating, I am afraid that I might run out of ideas and not be able to finish the planning, I am really afraid of that and it’s making me stall, preventing me from being productive, or from doing anything… at all.

I cant decided how much planning is too much, and more importantly, it’s a frightening though that if I do finish the planning then I actually need to sit down and write it, and what if I can’t?

Despite all these, I am aching to crack on and to start writing, but I refuse to write anything until all the planning is done. Maybe I shouldn’t have tried to write novels simultaneously!!

Sacha Black Creations inc… Stage 2

As promised an update on the studio. I still need some carpet, a bar stool and a coffee table, but its getting there. The purple wall with the frame is specifically for my novel… don’t judge my lack of writing and that its empty I have been so busy.

Went back to work this week, after having completed just over 2 weeks of jury service, and some time in Birmingham at uni. Boy was it a shell shock returning to work.

I am in a new department though and its a million percent better. Anyway, short post, as I am brewing up some lengthier ones shortly.

The wife made me the shelves and the desk.

I just painted!!

It’s so nice to have a space thats just mine, I just wish it was complete. The desk is standing height at my request so I can stand and work at it, but definitely didn’t consider the fact that I need to have a stool before I can write at it!

#fail.

Also, I am  wondering if this extremely rash quick decision is something to do with my mid twenties existential crisis…um possibly me thinks… *cough*

Sacha Black Creations inc.

There comes a time in life, when you are tired of thinking about your dreams, your sick of pondering about some far off future life you might have if only XY or Z happened. If only you could such and such.

Life’s too short.

So, I stopped bullshitting myself.

Only I can change my life, only I can do something about it. I need to stop waiting for something to happen, or waiting to be head hunted, or waiting to land on my feet. That doesn’t happen. You (I) need to open my own doors, and create my own opportunities, and that ain’t guna happen sat on my arse thinking about what I might or might not do.

If I am ever going to seriously finish this novel, or make any extra money, or have a creative job, or be a millionaire by the time I’m 35 I need to stop day dreaming, get off my slightly chubby backside and do something about it.

So I did.

I only took a tiny step, but it was a step nonetheless.

I have a studio.

It’s and office, come art studio, for all Sacha Black Creations. I am going to devote half of the space to my novel enterprise, and the other half to my art.

Its wonderful, and I cannot wait to get in there properly. To be honest, it’s probably a little more than I wanted to pay, but the space is bigger and I cannot complain, the light is fantastic, and the ‘feeling’ I got when entering was electric.

I went into another studio they had for rent, and I hated it, I was so disappointed and thought that I wasn’t going to find the right space, but then she told me that she had another space. It was more money but she had it if I wanted to look at it. So I did, and both the wife and I had massive grins as soon as we entered. You can just feel the creative juices oozing out of the walls. I am SO excited. It took me all of 2 seconds to decide. We both knew it was right instantly. That can only be but a good sign.

It’s 80 square foot. So about the length of my car both in width and length, as it is a square, and currently it is a square, and a total blank canvas…

*rolls up sleeves*

I will post photos of it as I decorate. But below are images of it as a shell… The person/dog in the photo is not me, its the owner of the studios… not that you can tell.

There are 11 artists in total, which is lovely because it means that I will have other artists to bounce off too if ever I hit writers/painters block.

Welcome to Sacha Black Creations… (I think thats a good company name… maybe I will call my company that!)

p.s. The studio is bigger than it looks in the photos, my camera phone hasn’t done it justice.

Sacha's Facebook Saga

I made an executive decision to delete facebook on Tuesday.

At the time I was seriously peeved with it, but now I might be getting some slight withdrawals…!

The thing with facebook, is that technically it really is a good way to stay connected, and it really is a good way of having a back up of all your photos. However, increasingly over the last few months I have been getting irritated with it.

I am prone to ranting, and writing statuses that may or may not be fleeting, I tweet angry tweets, and write angry blogs. However, I am not reaaaallly always angry. I know that it makes me look like I am innately angry, but I just get supremely irritated by things. Once I have ranted, tweeted, status’d or blogged its out of my system and I am over it. I don’t hold grudges, my moods are only temporary and basically everyone should ignore me. Plus, I don’t really mean the things I say most of the time.

That, however, does not stop people putting their two pence in. Now don’t get me wrong I 100% appreciate that if I didn’t write statuses people wouldn’t comment on them. But that’s one of the reasons I deleted it.

I started to feel like people were unnecessarily sticking their ore in. My mother felt the need to comment on literally every single status. If I swore she would say publicly don’t swear sweetie, or Oh is that French. COME ON, I am 25, and married for god sake. I do not need to be told when I can and cannot swear on my facebook.

If I was annoyed at something, or had ranted about something, people would tell me what I should and shouldn’t do.

Now, I know that people comment on blogs, but that’s different. I am asking for comments, I want the comments, I am actively seeking out engagement, and interaction.

Facebook however, I would make some blasé comment about being angry, or raging and people would literally think that I was about to hurt someone, or myself.

When did everyone get so serious? It’s a fricking joke, an off the cuff blasé, momentary feeling for goodness sake. Just because I’m raging at 9:02 doesn’t mean I am still raging at 9:04.

What tipped me over the edge was, I wrote a status about being in the worst mood ever, and of all people to comment on my status, it was one of the last people I saw before meeting my now wife. They wrote some patronizing comment about how I needed to change my outlook on life, I am too angry, it’s not healthy. FUuuuuuuuuCK OFF.

Seriously,

a) you of all people don’t tell me what to do, I haven’t seen this person in 3 and a half years, so what do you know about my life anyway and

b) what the hell makes you think you know me well enough to tell me what to do anyway

c) It’s a fricking status. It doesn’t mean anything. CHILL OUT.

Also, facebook kills peoples sex lives. In fact technology in general kills peoples sex lives. Since when did we become a society that doesn’t communicate any more? Lesbians in general are more in danger of suffering lesbian bed death than other people anyway. So I’ll be damned if I risk it for the sake of fricking facebook.

I did a little friend survey of those in relationships and asked how many of them suffer from that awkward moment when they and their partners crawl into bed at night, and instead of having a cuddle or communicating with their lovers, they prefer to sit on their phones, on facebook or twitter or whatever, in silence. Do you know how many said they did that…..

100%.

That is ridiculous.

So I deleted facebook.

In protest.

I don’t want random school friends that I don’t care about telling me what I should and shouldn’t be doing with my life, and I certainly don’t want to go anywhere near lesbian bed death.

So I am protesting.

 

I deleted facebook on Tuesday evening.

It’s now Thursday morning, and I think, ironically, I am having withdrawals because I suffered from a horrendous realisation….. I too am nosy, and love to know what people are doing or saying. I don’t however, stick my ore in where it’s not wanted!!

*sigh*

I don’t know yet, how long this angry protest will continue for. Probably not long! But I am holding out thus far!!

Fuckin' Monday Strikes Again.

I am a strong believer in putting good karma and energy out there. So I am considering trying to change my severe hatred of Monday and put out some Monday love.

However, today is not that day.

I REALLY fucking hate Monday, and it hates me.

Today is the first day of my new placement. I rotate ever 6 months for two years, and I am hoping that this will be my last rotation. But we shall see. Anyway. So as first days go it was relatively pain free, other than the fact I am a guinea pig for my line manager who has never line managed anyone, was possibly the most patronizing person I know and only gave me one project, which she claimed would take me 6 months, and I had to try not to laugh in her face, knowing my insatiable appetite for work, I could obliterate it in two. AND, I took that as a challenge to prove the point to her. ANYWAY.

I am hopeful that this placement will be much better, for a start the office isnt some holier than thou – took an oath of silence – type offices, people actually interacted.

Enough moaning, I am genuinely happier in this office, although this is only day 1 so… I ain’t counting any chickens just yet.

Today is the wife’s birthday.

I had this whole brilliant idea for a present and card, and had planned on doing it on Saturday because she was going out with her friends back home (home being where she grew up, as opposed to our current home)

ANYWAY, she was supposed to be going to her nans the following day, and wanted me to come with her. Her nan lives an hour further south than where she came from.

So dick head over here – me – opens my big mouth and asks her why she isn’t staying in reading for the night and driving straight on to her nans in the morning.

Well I thought I was being logical and rational. Which I was, but then I got caught up in the whole thing, and shes draggin me down to her mums because she wants me to go to her nans the following day.

So I am stuck in my mother in laws house (she wasn’t there btw) with no car, no nothing, no ability to go shopping for her. She says she doesn’t care, and would prefer me to go to her nans than get her anything, but it makes me feel like crap.

So when she wakes up this morning I have nothing to give her, squat. Not even a card, I feel like the worst wife ever.

So I leave home early to get her something before work (my first day in the new placement mind) and rush to work.

Go through the whole day no hitches, minus my minor irritations, and when do I ever get through a whole day without getting annoyed?!

Anyway, I leave early in the hope that I can get to the shops to buy a cake before she gets home…

Climb in the car, key – ignition – splutter splutter… DEATH. My car literally committed suicide on me.

Why? why is it always the day before I go to uni? I have a two and a half hour drive to uni tomorrow, and I am in real danger of not being able to get up there.

Why is it always fucking Mondays??