I hurt too much to update you on the fertility stuff.
Been drawing this weekend.
My hero, my great aunt, may she rest in peace.
Today I am just fucking angry. I can’t help it.
I am angry with everything, at everything, about everything and with everyone.
I don’t want to be consoled I feel like enough of a leper as it is without everyone trying to tread on eggs shells around me and tell me how well I’m doing. Fuck off.
I’m not in control, I am not ok, and I don’t wana hear that I’m “doing so well- your coping brilliantly”
Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.
The only reason everyone else thinks I’m coping is because I don’t do emotion in front of people. I only discuss fact and the action plan we are taking. What else is there? (Don’t answer that)
And then when I am on my own, I let silent tears fall down my cheeks.
All day everyday I am thinking about my eggs and IVF. I am losing the plot on the inside and a stone cold monster on the outside.
Whatever you think. I am not coping. Not one bit. Nothing about this is fucking ok.
This isn’t fair. And it’s taking too long.
I am angry at the world today.
I am trying, beyond trying to stay hopeful and positive. All the books, journals, and articles, say that you need to stay positive. That in order to keep your body positive, and all the hormones in balance, you need to stay positive and hopeful and think of the good outcomes etc etc.
This is easier said than done, everyone suggests to do this, but never really explains how you turn off your incessant, ‘desperately seeking a solution’ brain. I am begging for some ideas, I understand that I need to do its, the logic makes sense, but I just can’t turn my brain off.
There are 7 stages of grief
1. Shock and Denial
2. Pain and Guilt
3. Anger and Bargaining
4.Depression, rejection, loneliness
5. The upward turn
6. Reconstruction and working through
7. Acceptance + Hope
Are grief and hope just two ends of a continuum? Two sides of the same coin?
Currently if I’m not feeling one I am feeling the other.
One minute, I am desperate with grief, sheer panic, an agony so deep inside I don’t know how I am going to pick myself up and dress myself let alone get to work.
The next minute I bounding around full of hope and promise. Certain I will fall pregnant on the first try.
It is exhausting.
Is it possible to feel all stages of grief at the same time? Or do we have to progress down through the seven stages?
I am definitely still in shock, I am struggling to accept that I don’t have many eggs, but more to the point that I will go through the menopause early.
I get slightly excited at the prospect of having a baby, I am still adjusting to the timescale, but I always wanted a family so I am trying to think of the positives and the fact that I am going to get what I want, even if a little early. But then my brain races off and tries to think about all the things I would need to buy and all the planning and moving house, and then I get real and think about how far off that is, the pain and treatments I will have to go through in order to get there, and then….
most horrible of all, the fact it might not even happen.
And thus I fall back into grief all over again.
I am convinced grief and hope are one and the same, part of each other.
I need to understand how to get rid of the grief and stick with the hope.
Today, after all the reading and learning about fertility, it was a little paragraph on wikipedia that made my day:
A 2008 study concluded that diminished reserve did not affect the quality of oocytes and any reduction in quality in diminished reserve women was age related.One expert concluded: in young women with poor reserve when eggs are obtained they have near normal rates of implantation and pregnancy rates, but they are at high risk for IVF cancellation; if eggs are obtained, pregnancy rates are typically better than in older woman with normal reserve.
I guess I just have to take each day as it comes, and try to find a little hope in whatever I can.
Recently found a little attachment lens for my iPhone. It was only £20 bit of an extravagance but I had demolished a disposable camera and was using one of the lenses and holding it in front of the camera in order to take macro shots so I decided to buy it.
It takes macro (close up) and semi fish eye (wide angle) photos.
All photos have been taken on my iPhone 5, some of them have been edited on Instagram but all on the iPhone. I’m kind of impressed for a £20 lens from a clothing store!!
Here are some of my shots…
Despite a pretty crappy start to the New Year, I was delighted to find that the artofstumbling had nominated me for the Liebster Award.
As part of the Liebster Award, nominees are required to make nominations for the blogs they feel should be recognised.
“The Liebster Award is given to up and coming bloggers who have less than 200 followers. The word ” Liebster” comes from German and can mean the sweetest, kindest, nicest, dearest, most beloved, lovely, kind, pleasant, valued, cute, endearing, and welcome.”
Eleven Random Facts:
My nominees and my new questions for my nominees:
1. 2cagedbirds (for her brutally honest love, that I pray she can one day have openly)
2. Stormsilvermane (for his friendship)
3. QueerLandia (for their amazing pledge to bring current news, opinions and information to the LGBT community
4. TillyJean (for her always interesting feminist thoughts)
5. Verbalbanter (for always being strong and surviving no matter what)
6. Gaybymama (for their wonderful family and stories)
7. saradraws (cause she makes me laugh)
8. KiraMoore (for her journey and beautiful poetry)
9. D.C (for writing a fascinating blog about being gay and African)
10. JacquiMurray (for always inspiring me to write on)
11. Dearbutchlovefemme (because I love everything about this blog, its humour, and truthfulness!)
1. What’s your favourite book?
virtually impossible to answer, I love loads top two: Day of the triffids and the solitare mystery
2. Your favourite film?
even harder, top three, house of flying daggers, the last samurai and the matrix.
3. Do you have any nicknames?
yes, but if i told you id have to kill you!
4. Do you play any musical instruments?
Not any more, I played the Cello for 7 years, played the piano, and violin, tinkled with the guitar.
5. Have you ever had surgery?
wisdom teeth removed thats about it…
6. What’s your favourite food?
7. What are you afraid of?
spiders, boats and tiny dots!
8. What’s your proudest moment?
Probably reaching Mt Everest Base Camp on my trek, or getting a first class degree.
9. Your favourite item of clothing?
I own 17 black tank tops, and I love every single one! (and my Kurt Geiger heels!)
10. Your favourite song?
anything dubstep. currently like the gemini remix of Ed Sheerans ‘you need me i dont need you’
11. Favourite TV show?
L word or the west wing
11 New questions for them. (And anyone else who wants to answer, just because they are that fun! and I’m interested in your answers)
1. If you could only visit one country where would it be?
2. If you could eat one food for the rest of your life, with no ill effects what would it be?
3. fave TV series
4. why do you blog/write?
5. whats the dream you still havent fulfilled yet?
6. who did you hurt that you never meant to and what did you do?
7. most inspirational novel you’ve read and why did it inspire you?
8. If you were a super hero who would you be?
9. What three words describe you?
10. whats the one thing guaranteed to cheer you up when your down?
11. whats the craziest thing you have ever done?
A little while ago, we went to a fertility show, just as a curious newly we’d lesbian couple. Just to see how much it might all cost.
They were giving out half price initial consultations including an internal scan. One of the exhibitors mentioned a test they can do to see how fertile you are… AMH – A hormone released by follicles in your ovaries.
There was no reason on Earth that a 25 year old should have that test. 25 year olds are generally in their prime but something told me to go to the appointment and get the AMH test (which was an extra 100 can I just add)
The clinic and the wife all tried to stop me getting the test saying your fine your young, no family history, lots of pregnancies etc etc. but something kept telling me to take it. So I did.
Scans came back normal lovely womb you have there the doc said!
The AMH – an indication of your egg reserve came back in a very low response group….
The clinic called me back thinking they had made a mistake and re-tested me for free and asked me to take a whole bunch of other tests. FSH, LH, and oestradiol. All hormone tests, which came back fine.
But my AMH came back even lower… Negligible…. That was New Years Day.
So today I got told that means I will be going through a very early menopause… Late twenties early thirties….
When I showed the doctor my results he actually swore… I’ve never heard a doctor swear before.
“Shit, that is low…. I’m referring you for urgent high priority IVF” the doc said.
I might only have a year or two supply of eggs left.
I’m not sure what to write. I am an erratic eclectic mix of emotions.
I’ve cried on an off for 2 days. One minute I’m fine the next I’m in pieces.
Doc said that I have to go for IVF now or it will be too late…
Too late… I’m 25.
We only went to the clinic as a random fact finding mission… I am not a huge believer of fate… But something told me to get that test… If I hadn’t I would never have known and it would have been too late.
I am hoping beyond hope that it’s not too late.
I don’t even think I’m ready for a baby… It wasn’t meant to be now… I was meant to buy a house… Go travelling… Go out….
I don’t know.
How life can change in an instant
I’m still waiting for that moment when someone turns round and says “only joking” but it’s not happened… And then I got referred for IVF… That’s when it became serious.
I just… I can’t…
I’m broken, half a women. What’s wrong with me!
I am in pieces.