Monthly Archives: February 2013

The Road to IVF

fertility

Where do I start…

I am due on tomorrow. I had a BFN this morning, and yesterday morning, and the day before and the one before that… *cough* yes, I am clearly nuts. Lesson learnt, don’t do early tests!

I have to say that I was ok, I mean I was disappointed, but I was ok, I think if it got to the 3/4th time, and I was still getting BFNs then I would start to freak out.

This morning, we had our consultation with the consultant and I have to say to my utter shock and dismay, we have been accepted for IVF. I mean I really did not expect that. I thought that we would have a huge fight on our hands, have to battle to get IVF from the NHS, I thought they would say no. But they didn’t.

They said YES… YES YES YES

poster-hell-yes-800

 

We went into the appointment and they talked us through the risks and chance of success. Which they put at around 40% (but I figure I am young… so it may be higher??)

Then he just said, so how do you want to proceed, and I was like…

“er… pardon?”

he said “well, are you happy to proceed with IVF?” As if it was our choice?

I was like “ER YEAH!!”

So I have to have my tubes checked, and go back in two months, with the scan, and then they will refer us to any clinic we want, I was like the one with the shortest waiting times please.

and that was that!

We are in the system and on the way to IVF… I can’t believe it.

I am going to ride this IVF high for a little while, until I realise how many drugs and hormones I am going to have to take!!

HAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

 

Breasts

tumblr_limhvh2M4q1qbx237

I have to apologise that firstly, this blog over the last few weeks seems to have become a dumping ground for the batshit crazy, irrational and overly depressed Sacha.

I don’t really have many other outlets to talk about how I feel, but more importantly whilst I love talking in general I hate talking about how I ‘feel’. I much prefer writing it down. I am a born writer, and it helps me to process my shameless, most private thoughts.

Today is bad. Really really bad. I meant to write a blog a couple of days ago about the aching silence between the first couple of days after IUI and the last couple when you can test before your period.

There was silence. It was horrendous.

My body stopped doing anything. There were no cramps, no signs, no symptoms. Silence is sometimes worst than hearing a cacophony of signs and opinions. It was just waiting. Unending, tortuous, mind numbingly slow waiting.

I am now 7dpIUI.

I am due on in 6 days.

Today was bad because I genuinely wanted to punch myself in the face. I am so fucking annoying. I (and by I, I mean my head/mind – my voice in my head which thinks and reasons) would not shut the fuck up.

I felt like I had a split personality, and all over a god damn pair of tits.

Usually by now my boobs would hurt. I thought, they hurt every month. Usually starts 8ish days before I come on and then stops a couple of days before I actually come on.

So I asked the wife this morning if she could remember if they always hurt, and she said no. Pretty bluntly too. I was like oh. Because I was so sure they hurt every month.

Anyway, point being, they don’t; I (irrespective of whether or not she can) can’t remember the last time they didn’t hurt before I came on.

Well, this sent me off on some insane thought process, some ridiculous symptom spotting madness all day. I could scream I am so pathetic.

All that happened this morning, was I woke up and my boobs DIDN’T hurt, and to be fair, I was bloated.

What kind of mad women spends an entire day twisting herself into knots over breasts that DON’T hurt for god sake?

Am I pregnant, am I not? Am I pregnant, am I not? Am I pregnant, am I not? Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?Am I pregnant, am I not?

That is literally what my head has been doing all day. I just want it to shut the fuck up. It’s made me angry, and I was already exhausted today without my head twisting me into a mess.

I am in pieces. Exhausted, desperate, and seemingly slightly nuts.

I found the pregnancy tests that the NHS use, some really cheap pee strips. That apparently are the most sensitive pregnancy tests on the market.

Traditional tests like Clear Blue and First Response, are good, but they measure up to 50mlu. Before your pregnant you have about 5mlu in you. So 50 is about the time your period is due. These NHS ones supposedly test to a sensitivity of 10mlu… thats basically as soon as the egg implants.

The tests arrived yesterday.

I am now away on business so I can’t use them anyway. I don’t really know whether or not I should test, or just wait to see if I come on.

I partly don’t think I can wait. But at the same time I am aware that an egg can take as long as 12 days to implant. but 12 days is the day before I am due on…

How would my body know not to come on?

Look there I go again, I just need to shut up!

I am exhausted, I really am. I nearly fell asleep in the middle of the day today. It can’t be good to do this to myself!!

I just need to keep telling myself it will be ok, whether I get a BFP or BFN… it will be ok.

Mrs. Black – An Interview With The Wife!

interview-in-progress1

So, I am 4 dp IUI. I decided that I do far too much talking, and that my wife (Mrs. Black) often gets forgotten. Often she’s forgotten in the UK because our equality is not as progressed as many of the European countries, but also because she’s not going to carry the baby. But what I guess a lot of people forget is that she is going through this too.

So here, is an interview with Mrs. Black:

Me: So, Mrs. Black (giggle) how are you feeling about everything today?

Mrs. Black: um, confused. I just want an answer.

Me: can you elaborate some more?

Mrs. Black: I suppose, I never realised how much this means to us, and how much we want it. But at the same time its scary financially and how much it is going to change our lives.

Me: How are you finding the medical procedures?

Mrs. Black: I think Denmark are great. They are very equality driven. They made us feel so comfortable, and allowed me to push the syringe, so if you fall pregnant, I’d have done the business!

Me: how are you finding being on the other side of the medical procedures?

Mrs. Black: well, London didn’t really make me feel like I was a part of it. They just spoke at you. Whereas in Denmark, they made me feel like I was a part of making our baby.

Me: and thats important to you?

Mrs. Black: Thats really fucking important to me!

Me: How do you feel about the fact that I have fertility issues?

Mrs. Black: Makes no odds really, because we were always going to have problems, because it’s not like we can do it naturally. I always thought it was going to be difficult anyway.

And if I am honest, I wasn’t sure if I wanted kids until I met you anyway!

Me:  Do you ever experience the emotional roller coaster that I am going through?

Mrs. Black: I don’t think I experience exactly the same emotions as you. I have my own rollercoaster. As I just don’t ever stop thinking about it.

Me: How does that make you feel? Tired? Angry?? what emotions are you feeling in your rollercoaster?

Mrs. Black: within my rollercoaster, I feel tired. Like mentally tired. I feel a bit impatient too. Yeh, I spend most of my time feeling impatient. I JUST WANT TO KNOW!!

Me: Are you afraid of anything?

Mrs. Black: If I am honest, one of the only things I am afraid of, is us never being able to become parents. But worst, if we do become parents, what if our kids hate us?

Me: babe its ‘KID’ singular!!, stop saying ‘kids’ haha.

Mrs. Black: haha, sorry I know, I know, I need to stop jinxing us. You know what I mean. Kid…. Anyway, I guess the other thing I am afraid of is our child having nothing in common with me, as it doesn’t have any of my genetics.

Me: What impact has this had on our relationship?

Mrs. Black: I think its actually brought us closer. It’s made us communicate a lot more. But then saying that, we both have our own quiet times, when we both just get lost in our own thoughts. 

Me: What kind of support do you think you need? As people always think about the women carrying a baby

Mrs. Black: I just want people to remember me, and that I am in this too. But at the same time, I just want to make sure your alright.

Me: aww, your so sweet 🙂 Ok, finally then, what advice would you give to other couples going through this situation?

Mrs. Black: Never allow anyone to say ‘no’. And even though it’s probably one of the most scariest things you can do, when you’re there and your about to have treatment, all that worry disappears and you know your doing the right thing.

Me: Any final thoughts?

Mrs. Black: My final thought? Is even though its been hard and extremely emotional so far, it hasn’t made me any less determined.

Well that’s it folks! If any one has any questions, feel free to ask!

IUI up, IUI down

Roller-coaster-emotions-2429

 

 

Ok, 3dpIUI (3 days post IUI).

What I have decided is that the above picture optimises, an hourly – daily, weekly cycle, that I, and I guess everyone else on fertility cycles are going through.

It’s shit.

I feel like I am genuinely mental.

I am unstable, irrational, and emotional.

Everything I hate.

I like being, stable, rational and emotionless. I pride myself on being those things.

I hate that it’s only our first cycle. I mean don’t exactly want to do more cycles, obviously cost, and emotional toll, I would prefer to get pregnant first time. But I know the chances are low, so I just wish it was our 3rd time already, as lots of websites say 3/4 IUI’s is about normal.

I don’t know what’s happened to me, for two days after the IUI I was on this huge high, and elated that we had done something.

But I have well and truly crashed off the IUI rollercoaster. I am very low again today.

Body Wise – I had a back ache, but think it was my kidneys rather than actual back, I think I was probably dehydrated or something. Felt a bit bloated too today. But considering I have IBS nothing I am paying attention to. I am still slightly aware of my womb, less so than yesterday. Virtually no cramping any more.

Kind of sad really, at least when I was cramping I at least felt like something was happening, even if it wasn’t making a baby it was us having taken some action.

I am still unsure of when exactly to test. But I think if I am due to come on, on the 27th, then realistically I should be able to test on the 26th. Even if the clinic said wait 16 days, and thats only 12/13.

In which case T-9 days till test 1.

 

 

Tortuous Two Week Wait

2WW

So this is it.

The tortuous two week wait has started.

I had my first IUI on valentines day. Ironic hey?!

I know I am kidding myself, thinking I could get pregnant on my first IUI.

But I can’t help it. Bloody human nature to be hopeful. I am just terrified of setting myself up to fail.

I mean I KNOW the odds are against us. The chances are fairly slim even if you have no fertility issues. Most women take 3 – 4 IUIs before a successful pregnancy.

UGH.

I feel like the picture. The tests, in fact the whole process is waving a big fuck you in my face at the moment. Laughing at me, because theres nothing I can do but sit and wait for hours, days, weeks… ok just two weeks, but honestly, it feels like a lifetime. A full blown, eon of time before I can take a test!

I am slightly unsure of when to test too. I am due on, on the 27th Feb. But thats only 13 days after treatment, and usually your due 14 days after. So if I tested, I am not sure if I would get a false positive or vice a versa. The clinic said to wait 16 days. But that would be a few days after I was due on…. which might be a give away!

I have our NHS appointment on the 26th, so part of me wants to test then, and according to the clear blue tests I could test as early as the 24/5th but no point testing early.

I have cramps, supposedly you can get cramps after IUI and its normal, I had a minute amount of bleeding yesterday too. Again apparently thats normal. But cramps are still there on day 2.

They are off putting. My head knows they are IUI linked. But part of you, the irrational, illogical, emotional part of you wants desperately to cling to some shred, a sliver of hope that it might, just might be a sign.

I’m an idiot.

Mentally I keep slapping myself around the face, for being stupid, for clinging to any hope. I need to get real here. The odds are low. Plus this is my first time, I would have to have some serious luck to get pregnant first time.

The frustration I’m feeling has penetrated my skin, my cells, my every fibre. I woke up feeling irritable this morning, and exhausted.

The emotional journey we have been on since before Christmas, is draining my energy reserves to nil, in fact, I think I am in debt with myself!!

Whilst I might be able to see a light at the end of the tunnel. A tiny pee stick might ruin it all. Throw a big Fuck You my way, and thats it. All over for another month.

I suppose the one ‘small mercy’ I have at the moment, is my cycle is so short, that if I do get a BFN (Big fat negative) I only have 10 days to wait before I would go back to Denmark to try again…

I feel like irony is playing tricks on me, if I have to go back to Denmark, the next time will be on my birthday. What is it with me and dates?

If it does work this time, I will hit 12 weeks and be able to tell my friends whilst were all on holiday at Gran Canaria pride!

And there I go again, trying to piece tiny, insignificant nothings together to find some shred of ‘pregnancy’ or fate or anything.

Two Weeks… Two Weeks… Two Weeks… I hate two weeks.

Fortnights are not my friend any more.

I keep falling prey to ‘googling’

No woman trying to get pregnant should use google. It should be banned, locked down and banished from your life.

I am beginning to think its the ‘google of death.’ You end up in this vicious pattern, of googling one desperate question after the next. Getting more anxious and upset each time. One answer sends you flying on a blanket of elation, the next, down into a depressive tear ridden mess.

Everyone said it would be an emotional journey. It really is.

I have taken to wearing some Danish Kronor. I got these whilst over there, change for our train tickets I think. But now I’m wearing them round my neck… for luck I guess.

Another stupid made up superstition.

*slaps self mentally*

photo-1

How the hell am I going to get through the next 11 days?

This is pain.

But  pain of a whole different nature.

It’s pain you cant feel physically.

It’s a nasty squirming sensation. A plague that infects the veins in your brain. Wriggles its way around your cerebrum. Nudging and irritating you just often enough you don’t forget it is STILL 11 days…… or 264 hours, or 15,840 minutes.

Sounds like a lifetime.

The Old Boys Club of Women's Intuition

intuition-women

 

in·tu·i·tion

/ˌint(y)o͞oˈiSHən/

Noun
  1. The ability to understand something immediately, without the need for conscious reasoning.
  2. A thing that one knows or considers likely from instinctive feeling rather than conscious reasoning.

 

Women’s intuition is a really funny thing. It reminds me a little of an old boys club.

Most, but not all women have exceedingly good intuition. It’s a frighteningly powerful tool we use to seek out ‘wrongs’ or ‘no good’ but sometimes to seek out things we must do, or prevent.

Women generally like to over analyse everything, I am the ultimate example of an over analyser. It’s painfully annoying I hate myself for it, but I simply can’t help it.

I regularly sit around with my friends debating this ‘hunch’ I have, or a feeling I got when so and so looked at Billy bob in a strange way, and now I’m convinced that such and such is happening.

These discussions are highly secretive! If Billy Bob or whoever it was they were looking at were to interrupt or pass by, then hushed silences would fall over us, or indiscrete hand gestures would be thrown around the conversation bringing us to a rather undiplomatic silence.

The thing is our intuition tends to grow with our friends. One of my friends and I in particular, have a strange ability to throw a single look at each other, make one teeny facial expression and convey an entire conversation in an instant.

In fact I might only need to utter a single word or even half a syllable, and she will be nodding enthusiastically saying “mmm hmm, I thought so too”

Not that we would want to admit it, but we women are harbouring ourselves and our intuition in old boys clubs.

My point about this, is, we do strange things. We instinctively know when something’s wrong, when someone’s cheated on us or stabbed us in the back.

I pick up my phone a millisecond before it rings knowing its a particular friend.

And then…. Then there’s the really weird intuition, the intuition about our body’s….

If we pay just a tiny amount of attention to our body we can know all sorts of weird things.

Two months running I knew exactly when I was about to ovulate. So I got up and tested myself and got a positive result…

This month in particular was such a strong sensation that I sat bolt upright and just “knew” even though it wasn’t when I ought to have tested.

Women know things. We do. And we use them to do special, amazing and impossible things.

I think that I knew, I must of. My body must of told me to take that fertility test all those months ago. Something deep down an intuition, an inkling – that despite all the dismissals from the wife and doctors saying I was wasting my money- that I needed to take that test to prove I needed to do something now.

Why else would I of gone against professional advice?

The thing that I love about these boys clubs is that all the women around you coo and cluck in agreement affirming your suspicions because they too ‘had a feeling’ or simply understand because they’ve been there before.

We have an ability to know when you meet someone for the first time if they are a good egg or a bad egg.

I can reel off numerous examples of meeting someone – take another one of my friends, she had this new girlfriend that I took an instant disliking to for no apparent reason. I mean, I met the poor girl for a couple of hours, and immediately hated her. I couldn’t tell my friend why, either. I just didn’t like her.

Turns out the bitch was a psycho, and because I’m a good friend I didn’t say ‘I told you so’ !

In fact, my instinct is so acutely sensitive one of the wife’s best mates asked me to go to dinner with his new girlfriend to suss out whether or not she was worth hanging on for.

Turns out I didn’t like her either, and as it happened, she was a bad egg too.

Sometimes, we just know.

What I am hoping, is that I will know if I’m pregnant before I can test in two weeks… After the insemination yesterday two weeks of waiting is a seriously long time. It’s going to kill me. I’m impatient at the best of times but waiting two weeks for something this important is literally torture.

Maybe I’m over analysing because I’m desperate for a ‘sign’ but seriously…

We know shit right?? Sometimes you can know?!

God I hope so because otherwise it’s going to be a fucking long two weeks!!

 

Hope for a New Day?

cropped-there-is-always-hope-2516881

 

Humans have this kind of innate default position for hope. It’s in built, whatever happens to us, and whatever were put through we always default back to hope; even in severe, terrible situations, you find humans resolute in their hope.

I guess tomorrow represents my hope.

I have been peeing on sticks and testing to see if i’m ovulating since Saturday. I was almost ready to give up hope, and thought I wasn’t going to ovulate but as if fate itself was playing tricks on me, I took at test at lunch today and I got a positive!

So I took the rest of the day off work, and booked flights, car parking, and got some money changed up.

Tomorrow, we are flying to Denmark for the day, to try our first cycle of IUI. If anyone out there is reading this send me positive, sticky, pregnant like vibes.

We don’t really know what the stats/chances are of success, the usual is only about 16%. This clinic says my chances are 25% because I am young. I am not sure they are really taking into consideration my AMH level, and hormones and stuff. But I guess they are professionals and know what they are talking about.

We will see.

Either way, at 2pm tomorrow (Denmark time) I will be going through my first cycle of IUI. Part of me really thinks it won’t work. But theres this other part of me that is hoping beyond all hope that it does, otherwise, it’s yet another chance gone… and I don’t have many chances left.

I am terrified it will work, and terrified it won’t. Either way the consequences are serious, and life changing.

I will update soon… I imagine the two week wait is going to be tortuous.

Today has been a bit up and down too! I was full of excitement and nerves, but then I walked past Next (and the baby section) so decided to walk in and see how it felt, well I took one look at the baby grows and nearly threw up in my mouth! and ran out. It’s not real yet! It’s too scary and I don’t want to jinx myself!

Anyway, whoever reads this… think of me tomorrow. 🙂

Depression. Muses. Life.

muse

I am feeling worse than ever. I saw the above picture today, and I just cried. For me it’s such an inspirational picture. It takes me back to when I was travelling. Reminds me of the breath taking Himalayan mountains I trekked through. The peace I found when I was there. I want nothing more right now than to run away and climb into a big dark hole, hiding away from the world forever.

I want to be that girl in the photo. I should be that girl in the photo. All I ever wanted to do was go to uni and go travelling. Bum around the world for a while, sucking life experiences in and just ‘being’. No responsibilities, no plans, no cares. Coming from someone so anal, and organised I surprised myself at how much I enjoyed travelling. But I really did find a kind of peace when I was away. A kind of silence. Like the silence late at night when it’s snowed or is snowing. When it’s 1am, and nothing moves not even the air… Travelling was my muse, it inspired me, it humbled me and it gave me peace.

I am a shell, a living breathing carcass right now.

The last year has crushed me.

I don’t think I even know who I am anymore.

The stress of my family during the wedding, the job that has sucked every ounce of individuality out of me and forced a monotonous drone of boring beige routine into my life, and worst into me…. but worst of all the fertility issue.

I have been in and out of depression enough over the last 18 months because of ‘life’ but right now… it truly has to be the worst place I have been in…

I just cant cope.

My senior manager told me the other day that he couldn’t believe how well I was coping. He said no one would notice that something so horrific was happening to me. He said that I was really strong, and he was very impressed with my resilience.

It’s a facade. I am a fake. A plastic temporary smile, that I wear for 8 hours a day that drains every last ounce of anything I have in me.

He shouldn’t be impressed. He might think I am still brilliant, I am coasting through the days just to keep myself going. I am on autopilot… again.

I just didn’t picture my life like this, when I think back, this picture, that girl… that’s who I was going to be. I think that’s why the photo has struck such a deep resonance with me.

I have started testing my ovulation again today… when I ovulate this week, we will be flying to Denmark to try insemination.

The wife is so positive that it scares me. I already feel like a failure, my body… my ovaries are inadequate and I don’t want to disappoint her if the insemination doesn’t work. It only has a 25% chance of working at the best of times, let alone with my problems. I am also worried because I have been trying to be really healthy, but I seem to have got a cold this week… that is not going to help me get pregnant… more worries.

Then the thought of actually getting pregnant is also terrifying. All the life changes, I am still trying to get my head around it all, giving up everything I thought I was going to have, that was who I was going to be in my 30’s… not in my mid twenties. The next 5 years were meant to be fun before we tried to have a family…. I just can’t get my head around it. I just can’t. Why hasn’t someone told me it’s all a big mistake yet? WHY?????

I just…

I am in a very dark, very strange, very lonely place right now. Words are failing me, I just can’t explain where my head is. I don’t want to talk to anyone, I don’t want to see anyone, I don’t want to do anything. I can feel myself locking down, and shutting the world out and theres nothing I can do about it. I can’t muster enough ‘me’ to talk about how I feel. I don’t fucking know how I feel. That’s probably the problem. I don’t have words. The complexity of emotions I am feeling right now is indescribable.

I feel bad because I know I should be communicating, but I just don’t want to talk, about anything to anyone. I don’t want to have to justify myself, and I don’t want to explain my feelings. I just want to be quiet and for it all to go away. I want to wake up in the morning and be that girl in the photo…

But I won’t.

I am going to wake up… still be Sacha, still be depressed, still have a job I hate, and still have fertility issues.

Sacha is Broken.

Dark_Twisted_Wallpaper_5_

I am broken,

I am broken,

I am broken.

Lost, in a dark pit of self loathing, and scornful hatred.

My skin is crawling with the rank stench of pity.

Their pity.

Their pity is anchoring my heavy soul further into this dark pit.

I am a failure.

I am a failure.

I am a failure.

I don’t work. I am abnormal, and I am pitied.

My heart is solidifying with sympathy,

A coal like sludge suffocating the pain inside.

I am pitied.

Their repetitions of comfort agitating my twisted, unstable mind.

I can’t breathe,

I can’t breathe,

I can’t breathe.

Sacha gets published… well Sasha does!

41bqMYWBkvL._BO2,204,203,200_PIsitb-sticker-arrow-click,TopRight,35,-76_AA300_SH20_OU02_

 

Ok, it’s not like its a novel, but do you remember the piece of flash fiction I wrote about depression… which you can find here?

Well I received an email from the editor who has created the third anthology and he chose my piece as one of the pieces which will be published… its on amazon and everything….

look.

Having just looked in the contents page (I’m on page 45) I was disappointed to see they spelt my name wrong… but at least it’s a step in the right direction.