This is quite possibly the most exciting personal post I have written in a while. The posts about my life and memoirs seem to be getting rarer, but this blog was created originally as a memoir, so I refuse to let go of that side completely, no matter how much it’s evolved, so sorry to all the folk out there who signed up to read all about writing, this ones a memoir.

A long time ago, I was told I probably wouldn’t be able to have children. It’s a long story, but it ended up in me falling pregnant rather quickly and a hasty retreat by the fertility clinic.

Thankfully we managed to get pregnant, and nine extremely long months later, and 3.5 days of excruciating labour, baby Black was born. The best year of my life followed, and a difficult decision about sperm.

The wife and I thus far haven’t really wanted another child. Not for any other reason than, we need to pay off the cost of the first baby, and buy a house to make sure we can provide for him first before having another one.

We have spent a long time discussing whether having another one would suit us, and our family. We bickered a lot to start with, but I guess that’s normal for most couples. As time has gone on we have continued to learn lots of parenting lessons and are continually growing together on our journey.

Deciding whether to save sperm for another child has been a topic of much contention. It’s difficult trying to predict what we might or might not want to do in a few years time.

Of course, even if we didn’t save sperm we could have another child using another donor, but if the option is there to use the same donor, we are both in agreement that we would prefer to use them.

So we came to a cross road… To save or not to save? It’s an extremely costly affair saving sperm. To save enough for three attempts it’s a whopping £1000 for three years, and another £300 every three years to continue to have it stored.

BUT, we decided to save some, just in case. I am not saying we will have any more kids, as at the minute neither of us can see it happening, however, we are trying to protect our options, ensure that we aren’t taking our choices away and making a decision about how we will feel in 5 or 6 years time.

So there we have it… Very exciting news, the Black’s have a bank… a bank of sperm! (can’t help but giggle like a child about this!) But SHHHHH! It’s a secret!

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Understandably I have been a bit slack at blogging because…. Baby Black was born on 30th November 2013.

My labour… WHAT can I say….It was pretty traumatic due to the length of the labour but in the end everything was fine.

I laboured from Thursday morning 28th (my due date!!) right through to Saturday night when he was born so a very long time!!

So, I started some sporadic contractions on the 27th, but officially starting continuous contractions in the early hours of the morning on the 28th. I went to hospital at midnight on the 29th (night of the 28th but morning of the 29th), and despite having what the midwife said were strong contractions 2minutes apart I was actually only  1cm dilated. Considering I had been contracting ALL fricking day I was devastated!

So I was sent home with paracetamol and codeine. I continued to contract through the night every 4 minutes, by 3:30pm on the 29th I was so exhausted and in so much pain that I couldn’t take it any more, so we went back to hospital despite the contractions only being 7-8 minutes apart.  When I got to hospital I was STILL only 2 cm dilated, so they gave me a sweep and suggested that I should have a single shot of morphine so that I could at least sleep through for a few hours. So I took it as I had been awake for 36 hours and had had contractions the previous night (27th) so had barely slept that night either. I sort of slept – if you count waking up every 4 minutes to record a contraction!!

At some point in the middle of the night on the 29th (morning of the 30th) they discovered I was 4cm dilated and officially in active labour, however I was in a LOT of pain, which is when they discovered that he was back to back…. explaining why it was taking so long for me to dilate as at this point id been contracting for two straight days with just that shot of morphine and some paracetamol!! (the other reason the labour took so long is that he was really big – but i will explain that later)

My waters broke at some point between 2 and 4am on the morning of the 30th I forget when exactly, but that is when the real pain began it was excruciating I mean really like nothing I’d ever felt. I threw up a full litre of liquid I was in so much pain, so I was given gas an air (a hilarious couple of hours that my wife can regale humorous stories about me demanding to buy the gas and air and waving the tube around and shaking my bump!) I managed to get in the pool (where I wanted my birth) for all of about 10 minutes.

They discovered my cervix was swollen and I had halted dilation at 4cm and wasn’t getting any further. I then asked for an epidural because after 48 hours and then being told he was back to back and not dilating any more I gave up (sad to say) but I literally didn’t have anything left and I was in agony. As it happened they would of given me one anyway because as soon as they put it in they also hooked me up to a  syntocinon drip because my waters had broken they couldn’t allow my dilation to stop. Due to the exhaustion however all my veins collapsed in my hands and they had to get an anaesthetist to canula me… think i ended up with 5 failed canulars in total!

My active labour stage was 20 hours…. so I continued to contract from when the epi was put in at 6 or 7am until 9pm that night when he was born. But I was a bit rubbish at pressing the epidural button so I still had a lot of movement in my legs, and knew when I was contracting.

Unfortunately at this point I began to spike a fever due to some unknown infection or other, so they started IV antibiotics but not in time for them all to get through to the baby, so we ended up having to stay in hospital for a week. Baby A also then got jaundice so was under a lamp for the best part of a day.

So the actual birth… I had stopped pressing the epidural button about an hour before I started to push because I wanted to still at least feel part of the need to push. Which I am happy to say I could – I was telling the midwife when I felt like I wanted to push and I was always right –

It took 55 minutes of pushing and thankfully despite a ridiculously long labour I did it, by myself, no assistance needed (except an epidural!) which I am sad that I had to use, but it was necessary anyway in the end.

The midwife said she was very impressed and couldn’t believe I was hiding such a whopper of a baby in there!!

He was born at 20:49 on the 30th November weighing 9lb1oz

My body is totally massacred though, I have some muscle separation but considering his size its not really a surprise!! So I have been referred to a physio in Jan, amazingly because I didn’t panic the Midwife was able to control my delivery and I only had a minor tear 4 stitches – 2 inside 2 out. But I had several grazes and part of my labia ripped/tore off and it wasn’t spotted until I examined myself several days later so it had healed unfortunately – so I feel a bit wounded over that. I am layered in stretch mark scars too. But the worst body torture which could of ended up with me in hospital was a retained placenta. I kept telling the midwives that something was wrong down below, and I was examined twice, but they couldn’t see anything wrong. Well a few days later I started to develop what can only be described as a tongue dangling out of my vagina – I was incredibly concerned that they had failed to stitch a piece of vaginal wall back in or something. The day after leaving hospital a midwife is meant to visit you  – It got to 4pm and I started to think that no one was coming, so I phoned the hospital and doctors surgery and they sent the on call midwife…

Now this was actually my community midwife much to my horror – She is incredibly attractive, and I remember saying to the wife how mortified I would be if she ever had to examine me!

Well anyway after a hilarious few minutes trying to find said tongue – which had disappeared she grabbed the end and asked me to cough and much to my horror I felt a long warm sensation – I thought I had urinated on her! – I hadn’t!! She pulled out half of baby A’s membrane one of the largest pieces she has seen- she told me that if I hadn’t been on antibiotics it would have rotted – and she’s not sure why it didn’t rot anyway as it was a week post birth, not only that she’s not sure why I didn’t haemorrhage or get septicaemia (something my aunt got when she had a retained placenta). Anyway – she got it out and I wasn’t infected thank god. But I am so glad I stuck to my guns and kept asking people to examine me.

Baby A has taken to breast feeding like a dream we are both smitten and he’s perfect – but then we would be biased!!

Theres a lot more I can update from our week in hospital and the first three weeks of his life but enough for now

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But for now bump photo….

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I have had a kind of extreme exhaustion that has caused all manner of changes! My usual organised self would have by now completely packed her hospital bag, would have sorted the babies room and done all other manner of things, but I have been so extremely exhausted that I could barely function let alone do anything after work. In fact most days I would want to cry on the walk home, some days I couldn’t even get through the day I had to go for a nap.

Well suffice to say that my iron count had dropped and that was why I was so tired.

Anyway, today is my first official day of leave. So I will be updating more regularly!

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I had a funny turn this week – went all pale and sweaty and ghost like, and I nearly fainted. I got sent home from work and worked from home for two days.

I feel exhausted – like totally utterly and completely drained. I want to cry every morning trying to get out of bed and force myself to work. I sit at my desk and I can feel heavy weights dragging the bags under my eyes lower. I am exhausted to my bones, to my soul, my very core.

I really feel like the funny turn was probably exhaustion related. In fairness I have changed job, moved house – fully redecorated the entire house, started and completed a dissertation and a huge work submission all whilst being pregnant and the only time off ive had is 5 days (2 of which were a weekend) when I was ill. So I haven’t really had any time off so I am not surprised I am unwell.

But heres the thing, I have 4 full weeks left at work and I have to go in for one day for a big work conference a week later – that’s compulsory. But I feel like my body is giving up.

I could leave work a week earlier…. I could. I am due to leave at about 37.5 weeks but I could leave around 36 if I shifted a weeks leave from the end of my maternity to this side. But the thought of doing that makes me feel like a failure, I feel like I would be failing the baby before he even got here, giving up a weeks worth of time with him, to rest. I cant seem to get my mind out of that mindset… it just seems wrong.

I don’t really know what to do.

I have a weeks leave to play with, I could work 4 day weeks for the next 4 weeks, or I could split the hours and work 2-2.5 hours less a day – but that feels like a waste – like I am not really getting anything from using a whole weeks leave. Or I could leave work in 3 weeks instead of 4… or I could just man up and leave when I planned too in 4 weeks time…

What should I do????

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We went to our first of two antenatal classes the other night, and boy did it start awkwardly!

We rocked up fashionably late – by total accident – we both despise being late, and the wife had been sent home from work as she was in excruciating pain from her bad back still from the car accident – Anyway – she slept most of the day away after swallowing a load of painkillers the doc had given her. After an epic three hour snooze and with barely 30 minutes to get to class I finally plucked up enough courage to wake her from what can only be described as some kind of zombie death sleep! I really didn’t think I would be able to wake her!

We rocked up – slightly late – with EVERYONE gawping at us, as we were CLEARLY the only gays in the village! and we awkwardly sat in the last two remaining seats, right in front of the strangest tutor I have ever witnessed.

This tutor – paler than a vampire, with an accent that was so confused she must have lived in every country in the world.

During the course she brandished an alarming wooden plank that depicted the dilation of the cervix which she then proceeded to push a babies head through the 10cm circle… to which all the women began to cringe slightly and I tried not to whimper and sob in utter despair!

I was a bit disappointed in the class to be honest – I only found out one new piece of information about some vitamin K that the doctors give babies straight after birth. The wife was like… “what do you expect your a geek….” she has a point!

Anyway – What this class taught me, is that I absolutely, love my wife, and wouldn’t be without her.

The tutor split the class into ‘girls’ and ‘boys’ – so my poor wife made the awkward journey over to sit in the ‘boys’ circle to discuss how they were going to support their wives.

WELL….. having been surrounded by women for so long – I had completely forgotten how utterly useless men can be.

Suggestions they came up with included – making sure you had the take out number because they deliver to the maternity unit – clearly thinking about their stomachs.

When I suggested that they should pack the hospital bag because they would be rooting around it as we were going to be in no state to look for shit one of the men turned round and said

“thats the womens job” – DICK HEAD.

This made me cross so I verbally dropped him on his arse and everyone giggled.

Anyway – this continued, and all the good suggestions that they had come up with I would look over to my wife and mouth “did you say that?” and she would give me that cute little smirk she does and nod….

Sigh, swoon, so proud. bloody love my wife!! <3

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According to all the polite people out there, this bump makes me a whale and massive!!… I still think Im pretty averagely sized…

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I have been meaning to write this post for a week or so but I just haven’t had the time – despite meaning to rest – every day after work and all my weekends seem to be booked – I don’t know how that happened…. and I still have lots of friends who I haven’t booked in to see before the birth. :s

There are lots of different types of Breech babies  – and depending on what type of Breech yours is – depends on what the midwives and docs will do.

I had my 31 week appointment and I don’t really know if I was surprised or not. But he is Breech – I was Breech until a couple of weeks before I was born and then I decided to casually turn my mother into a washing machine and flip head down ready and raring to go. So in some senses I kind of expected to be told that he was Breech – but I was also quite surprised because at the previous appointment – the midwife told me he was head down. I think she got it wrong because I haven’t felt him flip head up so I figure he was always head up and she was just wrong.

Now the thing that bothers me is that for me – I want as natural birth as possible – I have always said that from the start – I want a pool birth – I know ‘saying’ that is about as good as wishing upon a star once upon a time and all that bollocks – because once you go into labour anything – ANYTHING – can happen and you don’t know your own pain thresholds and stuff, but that is what I have been working towards – I took breathing classes and relaxation classes and all this kind of stuff in order to be able to work towards a natural birth… So.

31 week midwife appointment:

Midwife: “your babies Breech at the moment.”

Me: “ummm, ok – what does that mean for a natural birth?”

Midwife: “well, if he hasn’t flipped head down by your 36 week appointment, then we will send you for a scan at the hospital – that will tell us what sort of Breech he is. If his legs are down then you will have to have a C section, if his legs are up then you can attempt a natural birth but you won’t be allowed a pool birth I’m afraid. Also – when you have the scan in all likelihood – they will ask you to be admitted at some point after the scan and they will put you on a drip full of muscle relaxant and attempt to manipulate your stomach into pushing him head down.”

It was at this point I wanted to cry, I could feel my bottom lip quivering and tears burning the back of my eyes as I struggled to maintain some level of stiff British upper lip.

Me: “oh, ok, thank you.”

Midwife: “have you got any more questions?”

Me: ” no……(deep swallow) not at the minute….. well I guess  do you have any positions or exercises I can do to help?”

So – after intensive research I have been spending inordinate amounts of time upside down, and dancing about on the birth ball – swimming and underwater hand stands this weekend… :s… I shit you not! – watch the you tube videos!!

I had some sad news this week – my friends first IVF cycle failed, my heart really went out to her, I am gutted for her – I could feel the familiar burning pain that engulfs your whole being when a cycle fails. She doesn’t know I blog, but I am thinking of you all the same… I hope you have the strength to do another cycle. xx

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But first a quick update –

I’m now at 27… and something weeks…. how did that happen!? I think that puts me firmly in the third trimester?

I have no idea what has happened in all the blogs I read, so forgive me I will spend the next week catching up on everyones.

BUT I have finished my dissertation! YAY. I still can’t quite get my head around the freedom yet! I still feel like I am meant to be doing something and I am still clock watching like I am under pressure! Except I’m not!!

We had a car accident a couple of weeks ago, were all fine, there were a few hospital trips, the teeniest of ruptures which meant blood passed between me and the baby but it was soooo small no one was worried.

So, now I just waddle more than I was waddling because of the SPD!!

So I am free now, to do whatever I want… So I have created a pile of books to read the height of me! and I have got my novel back out finally after what feels like a life time… and all things creative… I have been making wallets – duct tape wallets – pics below.

and now my problem…

The Creative / Artistic Problem… HELP…

I have been collecting images and such like on Pinterest and google as inspiration for different aspects of my novel. I want to do mood/picture/inspiration boards of some variety… I feel like I need to write notes in/around them, but the other part of me thinks I should have notes and images separately… I cant really decide how to do it or what they should look like… I have 670 images that need cutting out in preparation for this, and they will make several different boards, but I would love some suggestions as to how I should do it…

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