I have heaps of comments to approve or reply to, a bunch of personal emails that need tending to and my usual boat load of pre-scheduled posts is in a deficit, so sozberries, right now I’m drowning!

So I thought I would bring you baby black terror tot extraordinaire with his latest lessons in parent training…

Behold, people of the intersquibbles, children, child prodigies, over achievers and toddler villain apprentices, it is I, baby blackas a.k.a terror tot.

I’ve been busy teaching mummy and mama ALL about how potty training really ought to go. So here are my training notes, (I may or may not have tried any or all of these):

ONE

When parents throw the P word out there, immediately throw oneself across the floor. Shout “NO” and roll around throwing limbs randomly about the air.

TWO

Ensure that the first two attempts at potty training fail. This is easily achievable by throwing the potty across the room and screaming at excessively high decibels and full lung capacity.

n.b. Bend and place hands on knees and take a deep breath to ensure oxygen reaches the bottom of the lungs for extra volume.

THREE

When the potty is brought out on the third occasion, smile sweetly and say “I do a poo in da potty”

This lulls parents into a false sense of security.

DO NOT DO A POO IN THE POTTY. EVER.

FOUR

Refuse adamantly to sit on the potty: biting, punching, kicking and crocodile tears are all valid and most excellent distraction techniques.

FIVE

Snatch any bribe proffered and launch at precious items such as TV’s, Nespresso coffee makers and walls (walls are a good one, they stain).

Refuse ALL bribes until such times as you break your parents and they give in to you, producing the glorious heaven juice that is glucose high inducing E numbery goodness.

SIX

Once sugary goodness has been provided, ensure you do wee in the potty. They are idiots and this will only serve to reinforce to your parents that sugary lumps of joy are the only effective method of training us.

SEVEN

When it comes time for bed and your crown jewels have been dangling loose all day your parents will attempt to replace a nappy on you. They are delusional. Revolt at all costs. FREE THE CROWN JEWELS. REFUSE THE NAPPY.

Run. Run like free Willy swam for the ocean. Escape is the only option.

EIGHT

As punishment for replacing the nappy, keep the poo plug in place until such times as you are placed in bed, kissed and left to sleep. Then its full steam ahead, charge on the poo battle field and shit for England my friends. Take your favourite story book for reading consumption during excretion cycle and poo like you’ve never pooed before.

n.b. stick your hands down any and all soiled nappies. Smear hands EVERYWHERE. Including: bedding, walls and body parts.

NINE

Parents think once you have wee’d in the potty a few times it’s safe to leave the house. It is not. Ensure parents put shorts on you. This is important. They will also place pants on you. Hold the pee for as long as toddler bladder allows. Wait until they have locked the front door. Then as they turn around ready to leave begin urination. Urinating in your shorts results in urinating in your shoes.

TEN

When parents aren’t looking, hold crown jewels and urinate in secret places, such as: the side of the sofa, behind the door or curtain, next to the bin in the kitchen. The most effective places to tinkle are fabrics such as clothes drawers, wardrobes and cushions.

ELEVEN

Last but by no means least potty training gives a prime opportunity to stay up late. Wait until nappy has been replaced and pyjamas put on. Hold out until cuddles have been given, stories read and teeth cleaned. As your parents reach the door and tell you they love you and say night night, shout at full volume “I need a wee wee.”

The post Parenting Lessons from the Terror Tot – Potty Training 101 appeared first on Sacha Black.

Like the TV advert, the wife and I decided to set up an email account for our newborn  son to open on his 18th birthday. We will spend the next 18 years sending letters, photos and videos to him in secret, so that his life with us is chronicled. I thought you may like to read my first entry.

My Dearest A,

You are currently my little sleeping beauty upstairs in your crib. I am hoping you are reading this on or around your 18th birthday, as we have now given you the password and account details for this account.

I want you to know, wherever you are, wherever we are, I am immensely proud of whoever you have become. I love you with all my heart, you are my world.

‘The Very first moment I beheld him, my heart was irrevocably gone.’ Jane Austen.

 

You’re 11 and a half weeks old, just shy of 3 months old. I look at you now and wonder how you came to be. It feels like you have been here my entire life, and yet, for just a moment, and already I love you with such immensity that it takes over my entire being.

I am still at home on maternity leave with you at the moment and will be for a few more weeks. I savour every moment of time I spend with you, because I will be at work soon and then every moment I spend away from you will be a moment wasted.

The best parts of my day are when you smile at me, or when I get to watch you learn something new. Your making lots of noises these days, and beginning to form a real laugh, and I can’t help but giggle every time you do; your learning to sit – although you scream in protest every time we practice, you much prefer standing up. You love your door bouncer and finally your starting to learn to roll over.

I am talking to my 18 year old son… I will be 44 by the time your 18. Oh my god, that seems like a life time away, I can’t imagine what I will be like at 44, or who I will be, let alone who you will be.

What do I hope for you? Firstly and most importantly I hope you are happy. I hope you have had a wealth of experiences, good, bad, naughty and ugly! I hope you are safe and well. I hope you have studied hard, and played harder, I hope you have loved and lost and loved again and I hope you have travelled.

Every parent wants their child to be a doctor, lawyer, pilot or some other well paid career. But I just hope that you have found something that will make you happy for the duration of your career, I don’t care if your a ballerina, a seamstress, a chef or a boxer. As long as you work hard you will be the best you can be, but enjoy whatever you choose to do in life, because life is too short to be unhappy…. but secretly I do hope you have chosen to go to university! I met your mumma at university and I am sure I speak for her too when I tell you how much fun we had at university, even during the all nighters trying to finish assignments.

I hope you enjoy the next 18 years of emails! It might take a day or two to get through!

Happy Birthday baby boy, I love you always and forever, mummy. xxx

The post A Letter To My 18 Year Old Son appeared first on Sacha Black.