Writespiration is on hold this week. I’ve been busy potty training. As well as the fact that this month is my target month to complete my manuscript draft of Keepers (and next month I have to finish the edits ready for beta readers) so the blog has well and truly taken a back seat.
I have heaps of comments to approve or reply to, a bunch of personal emails that need tending to and my usual boat load of pre-scheduled posts is in a deficit, so sozberries, right now I’m drowning!
So I thought I would bring you baby black terror tot extraordinaire with his latest lessons in parent training…
Behold, people of the intersquibbles, children, child prodigies, over achievers and toddler villain apprentices, it is I, baby blackas a.k.a terror tot.
I’ve been busy teaching mummy and mama ALL about how potty training really ought to go. So here are my training notes, (I may or may not have tried any or all of these):
ONE
When parents throw the P word out there, immediately throw oneself across the floor. Shout “NO” and roll around throwing limbs randomly about the air.
TWO
Ensure that the first two attempts at potty training fail. This is easily achievable by throwing the potty across the room and screaming at excessively high decibels and full lung capacity.
n.b. Bend and place hands on knees and take a deep breath to ensure oxygen reaches the bottom of the lungs for extra volume.
THREE
When the potty is brought out on the third occasion, smile sweetly and say “I do a poo in da potty”
This lulls parents into a false sense of security.
DO NOT DO A POO IN THE POTTY. EVER.
FOUR
Refuse adamantly to sit on the potty: biting, punching, kicking and crocodile tears are all valid and most excellent distraction techniques.
FIVE
Snatch any bribe proffered and launch at precious items such as TV’s, Nespresso coffee makers and walls (walls are a good one, they stain).
Refuse ALL bribes until such times as you break your parents and they give in to you, producing the glorious heaven juice that is glucose high inducing E numbery goodness.
SIX
Once sugary goodness has been provided, ensure you do wee in the potty. They are idiots and this will only serve to reinforce to your parents that sugary lumps of joy are the only effective method of training us.
SEVEN
When it comes time for bed and your crown jewels have been dangling loose all day your parents will attempt to replace a nappy on you. They are delusional. Revolt at all costs. FREE THE CROWN JEWELS. REFUSE THE NAPPY.
Run. Run like free Willy swam for the ocean. Escape is the only option.
EIGHT
As punishment for replacing the nappy, keep the poo plug in place until such times as you are placed in bed, kissed and left to sleep. Then its full steam ahead, charge on the poo battle field and shit for England my friends. Take your favourite story book for reading consumption during excretion cycle and poo like you’ve never pooed before.
n.b. stick your hands down any and all soiled nappies. Smear hands EVERYWHERE. Including: bedding, walls and body parts.
NINE
Parents think once you have wee’d in the potty a few times it’s safe to leave the house. It is not. Ensure parents put shorts on you. This is important. They will also place pants on you. Hold the pee for as long as toddler bladder allows. Wait until they have locked the front door. Then as they turn around ready to leave begin urination. Urinating in your shorts results in urinating in your shoes.
TEN
When parents aren’t looking, hold crown jewels and urinate in secret places, such as: the side of the sofa, behind the door or curtain, next to the bin in the kitchen. The most effective places to tinkle are fabrics such as clothes drawers, wardrobes and cushions.
ELEVEN
Last but by no means least potty training gives a prime opportunity to stay up late. Wait until nappy has been replaced and pyjamas put on. Hold out until cuddles have been given, stories read and teeth cleaned. As your parents reach the door and tell you they love you and say night night, shout at full volume “I need a wee wee.”
Oh bless you Hun!!!! The turmoils of potty training!!!
Your little one sure got his own rules sorted!!! ?
hehe, I know right. little shister! :p
??? a name to be used…. among others!!!
:p
?
An all too accurate description of the three weeks my daughter has just endured with my grandson Sacha. I think the only thing she failed to do was entertain him by squatting down to show him how it’s done. He wanted to stand up like daddy.
xxx Massive Hugs and best of luck with the manuscript xxx
Hahaha unfortunately I can’t show baby black how to do it standing either! ?? glad she got through it 🙂 and thank you ?
Oh, I do remember the potty training days. All the failed attempts with my two littles taught me that the easiest way to potty train is to let them train themselves. They won’t do it until they are ready.
With my son, it was the funniest thing. Once he figured out he could pee through the hole in his undies, he was so excited to pee in the potty whenever he could.
With my daughter, all the bribery and talks didn’t help. She decided she would poo in the potty because she didn’t like the feel of it in her diaper anymore, but it took forever for her to decide she wanted to pee in the potty. Finally, she had her third birthday and, of her own volition, decided she was done with the diapers. Just like that. It was literally an overnight thing–she made the choice and voila, we were done with diapers.
Good luck (with the potty training AND with all the writing and deadlines you are juggling). I can’t wait to read that book you have coming out 🙂
Hi Lorna, thanks so much for reading. I could not agree more. Baby black was having none of it the first couple of times, but this time, it took to it like a duck to water. That made me laugh out loud – the pee hole!!!!!
Thank you for the lovely comment about the book too – the closer it gets to publishing, the more scared I am getting!
Absolutely brilliant!!!! Love this and remember those times soooo well. 🙂
hehe, glad you enjoyed it. I’ll have to write a book of these one day! :p
You soooo should 🙂
I was laughing so hard while reading this (especially at number eight) I was in danger of having an accident myself. I feel for you!
My youngest never really took to the on the floor potty seat. It was WAY too easy for him to run away. We had to use a ring seat on the big toilet instead, which unfortunately put him into close contact with the toilet paper, which then had a magic way of finding itself completely unrolled (half in the trash / half in the water) while my lord tyrant laughed at my efforts to somehow salvage the situation.
I figured out how to teach him how to stand and aim shortly after that.
pajhahahaha I had a proper giggle writing it. I mean if you don’t laugh at the situation then you’re guna cry and there’s just no need for tears!
Hahaha, I have to find a photo – baby black did exactly the same with the toilet roll although this was some time ago. Yeah… standing and aiming… the next hurdle!
It’s like they are writing the same training manual!
I know right! maybe they have an underground blog network for baby villains
i am crying this is hilarious true to form
Hehe ?
This is hysterical! I’m sure it’s not as funny on your end, but as a preschool teacher trying to aide parents in potty training their special needs children, I understand the frustration. Though the kids are always more well behaved for us teachers than they are for their parents, lol.
Haha that’s so bloody true! He’s better behaved at the childminders too!
Glad it made you laugh 🙂
TOO F-ing funny. Shit for England… I have to say, this is when my cats looked at me as though I were from out space as I let out a laugh that would have scared the poo right out of them. Damn, girl, you should be doing stand-up comedy! I’ll have a front row seat each time, I promise. 🙂
Hehe it made me laugh writing it.
I love a bit of humour but I only seem to be funny when I take the mick out of myself! ??
At least there’s a lot to mock ????
Well, I have to hand it to you… Raising kids is the role of a life-time. I was never granted that honor so my hat is off to you. God Bless you, keep being such a great mom and having FUN! <3
Thanks Annette <3 Just got to keep smiling 😀
Hahaha….. I am bursting! You hit the nail on the head with your advice! Sounds like a very experienced mom… lol!
Hehe, I had a giggle writing it too 🙂
I bet you had… lol! Thank you for writing this… fantastic!
??
I am so happy the blog has taken a back seat to your writing. I love your blog but am SO happy you’re finishing your book!
Please, please tell me you are making some of this up. I hated this stage (hate. ed.) but don’t recall it being quite this bad. Though perhaps I’m blocking it out. O_o
I mean it’s not dropping any lower than 2 posts a week. I cut down to two a couple months ago in aid of finishing the manuscript but I’m close and close to deadline and need more time. So by ‘back seat’ I’ve got four writers who are guna do a Monday writing lessons post for me to take the strain on the run up to finishing the book – I couldn’t bare the thought of stopping completely so I figured a way round. I’m just being royally rubbish at responding to comments.
As for the post and potty training…99% truth! The biting stopped a while ago. ?
Hehe it was fun to write. I love taking the kick out of myself and my predicaments it makes me giggle 🙂 glad you enjoyed it bet it brought back memories ?
hehe exactly. If you don’t laugh you’ll cry. I think we are through the worst now though!
Sticking your finger into the soiled diapers and the painting the walls – probably the highlight of potty training!
It’s one hell of a rollercoaster! that’s for sure! :p
Oh, yeah. That sounds soooo fun. We got over the potty resistance phase by letting The Overlord make “pee pee waterfalls” off the back deck. That was great fun (during the winter too). Good luck getting your ms done! 🙂
pahahahahahaha thats genius! I love that. I think (hopes) we are through the worst of it now. *breathes sigh of relief*
Sounds like I escaped very lightly. Even the dog never made a fuss about doing it where expected. I think it was nature’s way of saving my sanity for later 🙂
hehe, well it’s only 99% true! :p
I feel like I missed out on a lot of comic material 🙂
Haha, maybe I should write a book ?
Wait until you’ve had ‘the first day at school’. That’s a good one.
oh man, I can wait for that, I wish he would stop growing up!
You think like that while they’re small and cute, then when they hit adolescence you just can’t wait for them to grow up and leave home!
Awww, I remember those days. Good luck!
hehe thank you 🙂
What a clever little boy you have. He’s got you figured out. What fun! Not!
haha, I think we have finally cracked it thank goodness.
I’m not alone!! Thank you, Sacha. With the second one due in November, we’ve set a goal to get the first one fully potty trained by then…thinking positive……!
Hehe, you’re not! Believe me.
How old is your first? You will do it have faith, be strong ?
Brilliant post very similar to I went through apart from the pee’ing in random places.
haha, well I’m glad you didn’t. Now it’s all over and done with I can laugh about it! :p, not sure my sofa is as happy though hehehe
You can laugh after its all done with. I was so embarrassed when my little was training. Especially when she took her knickers off in public places and walked around like Sharon stone the rest of the afternoon x
haha, bloody love kids, total nutters!