I’ve commandeered Mummy Black’s laptop, she would be pissed if she knew. But she doesn’t so it’s ok. Unless you tell her, in which case I’ll cry and then pee poo on you…the runny kind.

See, parents think they know everything. They don’t. Not really. Cause I know everything. I know every trick under the sun to rile mummy and mama up until a force 100 hurricane blows through the whole house.

Bedtime.

Yep. Bedtime is the secret.

I have discovered that the insurmountable cot mountain, is in fact, NOT insurmountable at all. The total opposite, as it turns out.

It’s a doddle to climb out of. All one has to do is hook a foot, lean a belly and flip flop, mums your mama, I’m on the floor.

If it weren’t for the crafty thud I’d be home free and playing cars. Nonetheless, toddlers of the bloggisphere, here are my top 15 tips for bedtime.

1. Climb out of the cot at intermittent times. This ensures mummy has gone downstairs for the 28th time.
2. Listen carefully for mummies bottom touching the sofa. It’s essential for the timing to be right. As soon as she sits on the sofa (downstairs), climb out of bed. Again. Loudly.
3. Watch what your mum says. They only give two warnings. Then you get the silent treatment, at which point, go all guns blazing on the giggling. Silent treatment = a game.
4. Throw toys. LOTS of toys….at the walls. And maybe definitely at the window.
5. Empty all your clothes and scatter sporadically across the floor. Proceed to hide toys under the clothes so that mummy steps on things – warning – duck as this causes arms to fly.
6. Also listen to what she says – there are a lot of half words – I’m convinced they are naughty words – stock pile these for later combing and subsequent usage.
7. If your parents don’t drink much – make sure you pick a night to start cot climbing when they are out of comfort food.
8. Sing. Loudly. That annoying nursery rhyme works best.
9. The door is a musical instrument in the form of a bass drum. The neighbours especially like this one.
10. Jump up and down as hard as you can, I hear you can go through the roof. Duno what that means but it sounds cool.
11. Scream until you’re sick and then cry because you were sick. (note that second cry gets you hugged)
12. Repeat ‘Schtorreeey, schtory, storrrrrry’ 89 times.
13. Run in circles
14. Whimper
15. Whine in your best parent guilt tripping voice. Trust me, you can break them.

Warning – definitely try these at home. 

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The post Teaching Your Parents About Bedtime – Lessons from a Terror Tot appeared first on Sacha Black.

So, this is a motherhood post.

Everybody knows about the terrible twos, how truly awful they are with screaming tantrums and public paddies.

Hideously embarrassing and the phase I suspect most parents dread in young children. BUT SERIOUSLY…. why did no one tell me about the horrific change that happens at ten months? My son is now ten and a half approaching eleven months, and it was like an alien literally took over his body and possessed his previously calm temperament.

Nappy changing is simply an impossibility without an army of spare hands, arms and legs to pin your gremlin of a child in place while you change them. Ok, so distraction occasionally works too, but not as well as it used to! He now likes to pitch an absolute bitch of a screaming fit, when I get him dressed, try and do his teeth, or anything that even remotely changes his current situation.

In spite of the fact I’ve read a million mum blogs, help sites read books and compared notes with a hundred friends, it kind of doesn’t matter what they say or suggest because baby black, is just going to make life difficult his own way! When I find a solution I’ll report back!

The post Forget terrible twos, why didn't anyone tell me about the terrible ten months? appeared first on Sacha Black.

This blog has had so many incarnations – rants about work, struggles with art and writing, and my battle with fertility, but always my memoirs.

But now, I am a mum, a worker bee, a wife, a writer, and hopefully a blogger again. This blog will be twofold, my memoirs on being a mum, and my memoirs on writing.

I hope you will follow me on this journey.

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