I’ve commandeered Mummy Black’s laptop, she would be pissed if she knew. But she doesn’t so it’s ok. Unless you tell her, in which case I’ll cry and then pee poo on you…the runny kind.
See, parents think they know everything. They don’t. Not really. Cause I know everything. I know every trick under the sun to rile mummy and mama up until a force 100 hurricane blows through the whole house.
Bedtime.
Yep. Bedtime is the secret.
I have discovered that the insurmountable cot mountain, is in fact, NOT insurmountable at all. The total opposite, as it turns out.
It’s a doddle to climb out of. All one has to do is hook a foot, lean a belly and flip flop, mums your mama, I’m on the floor.
If it weren’t for the crafty thud I’d be home free and playing cars. Nonetheless, toddlers of the bloggisphere, here are my top 15 tips for bedtime.
- Climb out of the cot at intermittent times. This ensures mummy has gone downstairs for the 28th time.
- Listen carefully for mummies bottom touching the sofa. It’s essential for the timing to be right. As soon as she sits on the sofa (downstairs), climb out of bed. Again. Loudly.
- Watch what your mum says. They only give two warnings. Then you get the silent treatment, at which point, go all guns blazing on the giggling. Silent treatment = a game.
- Throw toys. LOTS of toys….at the walls. And
maybedefinitely at the window. - Empty all your clothes and scatter sporadically across the floor. Proceed to hide toys under the clothes so that mummy steps on things – warning – duck as this causes arms to fly.
- Also listen to what she says – there are a lot of half words – I’m convinced they are naughty words – stock pile these for later combing and subsequent usage.
- If your parents don’t drink much – make sure you pick a night to start cot climbing when they are out of comfort food.
- Sing. Loudly. That annoying nursery rhyme works best.
- The door is a musical instrument in the form of a bass drum. The neighbours especially like this one.
- Jump up and down as hard as you can, I hear you can go through the roof. Duno what that means but it sounds cool.
- Scream until you’re sick and then cry because you were sick. (note that second cry gets you hugged)
- Repeat ‘Schtorreeey, schtory, storrrrrry’ 89 times.
- Run in circles
- Whimper
- Whine in your best parent guilt tripping voice. Trust me, you can break them.
Warning – definitely try these at home.
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Oh, Sacha 😀
wait what…. what happened?! :p
I tried to think of something positive but, at least in my household, bedtime is a losing battle 😀
oh dear god. *reaches for tequila*
Oh dear.. chocolate is good…. and wine…
I know right. WORST time ever to have given up chocolate. Gaaah! Hey, have you decided 100% if you can come to the bash yet?
Okay… stick with the wine 🙂
We would like to…but with everything up in the air between a possible house move for me and Nick’s current momentous plans that have me doing the headless chicken act, I don’t have a clue what’ll be happening at that point!
ahhh yes! ok, no worries, well I will still keep my fingers crossed. 🙂
me too 🙂
Yike, who gives up chocolate? You’ve got a terror tot, you need lots of it. Fair game. 🙂 If you’re worried about it, stick to eating 75 or more percent dark, just the bars. Getting ones with nuts in them makes you feel like you’re being extra healthy.
Haha. An addict gives up! I had to have hypnotherapy – I eat my emotions, what can I say, when you’re hiding chocolate, and eating two FAMILY sized bars a night you know you have a problem. Unfortunately for me, I have no self control and can’t eat just a little bit and save the rest. I gave up for 8 months last year – sadly I got a bit low and started eating it again – whacked on several stones I am now trying to rid myself of!
When they get older things get easier – they just roll their eyes and say ‘whatever!’
hahaha and then adopt a Kevin and Perry stance and below ‘I hate you’
Or it’s ‘so not fair I have to go to bed at 9pm!’
What?! I’m the rolling-my-eyes, “whatever” person here. Kids do that? I’m not sure they’re allowed.
Lol Lemon Shark! I do all of that too so it’s not just the kids in my house. My poor husband ?
Great post. If doesnt get any easier either. my 2 are 16 and thirteen and would happily swap them for a baby or toddler lol x
WHAT? Seriously? I bet you get sleep though!! :p :p
yes but wont be long before i go through sleepless nights when the going out to nightclubs and drinking starts. yikes lol x
hahah thats so true! Oh god. It really won’t get any easier!
When they are teenagers, the opposite happens, they won’t get out of bed when you do all the singing, crying and door slamming. Mark up ways to get your on back in a few years – vacuuming is a great one as is having relatives phoning early morning.
Then they go out with friends etc and you won’t be able to sleep until you know they are safely home!
Cat nap when you can?
cat nap it is. Sigh. Why did I have kids again! :p
Hahaha! I remember those days!
sigh! *reaches for wine!*
LOL! Thank you Sacha, I so needed something to laugh about. This made my day. 🙂
haha glad you enjoyed it – I may have embellished a couple of things… :p but it gave me a giggle writing it – had to after the night we had. I officially hate bedtime!
I hate to say it Sacha, but my 8 year old wakes every night..still!!!
SHUT THE FRONT DOOR?????????
Its true… She’s like a stealth agent, slipping into our bed in the middle of the night… I sometimes don’t realise until I am about to wake up! If I hear her, I take her back to bed…
We get weeks of her staying in her room, then it happens again… I really don’t know why! It;s not like she is upset, or scared, I think it’s habit!
DON’T WORRY, THEY AREN’T ALL LIKE THIS!!! My son is a fantastic sleeper!!!
haha ok so there is hope then! well we have put a stair gate in front of his door for now so he is trapped – till he figures out he can climb over that too!
They figure everything out unfortunately, but hopefully he’ll get bored before finding that out, and will stay in his cot bed!
Ok so is this mine is worse than yours? No. 2 climbed into our bed from nothing (following first cot escape) until 12. The worst bit? Her two cuddlies that she tossed ahead of her swallow dive between us, each exactly aimed to hit a parent. Somehow she launched herself in a straight line but landed sideways so prising each of us out of bed. We bought two new beds in the period merely for bigger mattresses. Now she sleeps with her boyfriend and I wonder if he gets kicked out. Maybe I should ask…?
Wait WHAT? She slept in your bed and you had to find somewhere else to sleeeeeeep?????????
Often times I’d fall out as she corkscrewed around. Eventually I developed a gripping buttock to be able to remain half out and yet not fall. One of my USPS my gripping buttock.
Pahahahahahaha I am so glad I didn’t read this in my board meeting! I nearly spat coffee everywhere!
Was it over sharing? I’m dreadful at over sharing?
No it was hilarious! I hope you’re books as funny as this when I read it!
I think dead flies may be ok but my humour in a longer work needs polishing. It is damn tricky. I envy Barb’s ease with wit.
That actually surprises me. I assumed dead flies would be hilarious. You’re so good at funny.
There’s a tradeoff between funny and story. The funny must advance the story so too much is like chocolate overdosing. Yes you’ll laugh I guarantee but I am still learning to get the balance right. Serous is much easier
Yeah I guess you’re right serious is easier, funny is funny though!! And if you have the skill you shouldn’t waste it!
Yep! That’s just what it’s like! But it doesn’t last. Although it feels like it lasts forever. Its just tbe novelty. Whatever you do, dont let him start getting into your bed… he’ll be a teenager before he gets out of it, if you do!
No way! That kid is stair gated in prison ! Staying strong however and not letting him in the bed will still be hard though!
Yes especially at 3 am in the morning! Hope you’re tough enough. I think you are, although how you resist those baby blues and blonde curls I just don’t know! ?
I remember those days (shudders!) Mine didn’t see the point of sleeping. Then when he got a bit older he didn’t want to go to sleep in case he had nightmares. With all we have to put up with raising them to adulthood I don’t know how the human race survives!
Hahaha I totally agree! Seriously how does the human race survive?! Well he didn’t care much for sleeping until Christmas just gone! He was over two before he slept though consistently I nearly broke before Xmas and just as I couldn’t handle any more he magically slept through!
I like your spunk, kid. My mom doesn’t know it, but I hacked into her account years ago too. She might never promote herself, but I suffer none of that sort of pointless humility. I believe you will appreciate a few of my helpful tips for dominating the older set especially now that you’ve proven you are a winner. http://alliepottswrites.com/2014/02/10/how-to-win-friends-and-influence-people/
Dude, you are my hero.
We should schedule a lunch. I’ll tell my people to expect a call.
dude, I only do juice bars, and only bars with girls I can beat on.
That’s fine with me. I don’t eat anything they serve me anyway.
Sweet I’ll grab some juice boxes and we can hang ?
We were weak… What can I say?
So, um, has anyone said anything (at all) about it getting better?! I’ve got nothing. Yikes. Sorry, lovely. *hands over wine* ?
No! They did not…. I need something stronger than wine!!!! ??
Oh dear. This too shall pass. 🙂 Hang in there.
Hehe I may have exaggerated slightly…. But only slightly I did personally put him back to bed 29 times before barking at the wife to take over!
Hilarious, Sacha. He’s definitely got you all figured out! I think you should keep him as a guest writer. 🙂
Hehe, Geoff and Ali said that when he wrote the cake one! Maybe I will….. Only for special moments like this though! ?? glad you found it funny, it was meant tongue in cheek! I guess we have to laugh at life if we don’t we won’t make it!
We need to laugh lots with children, and at ourselves, for the ways they help us see the truth in us.
Ah, the adventure continues…. Just remember, in a few years you’ll be looking back on nights like this as “the good old days”.
Haha so everyone keeps saying! Dreading it!
Oh, Sacha, I do feel for you and your wife. I remember this stage well, going up and down, up and down, screaming, banging (Miss Hap had this thing where she would drum her legs against the wall (I am sure the neighbours loved this at 4am) and throwing a mega tantrum.
All I can say is that keep with it, as eventually the Terror Tot will stop!
lol its not really as bad as I make out tbf! but thank you – its reassuring to know it will stop 😀 :p
….Eventually! 🙂 🙂
Oh my God, you’ve been next door, teaching their little boy all your clever tricks! Especially the door banging, and you’re right, we love it!
hahahahahaha maybe!!! evil child laugh! *cackle*
Reblogged this on Anita Dawes & Jaye Marie.
Thank you for sharing this post <3 big love 😀
No trouble, Sacha. I love reading your blog…
aww shucks *blushes* thank you <3 <3 that means the world to me.
Read him one of my stories…no only joking. Thank goodness we have a dog. Mind you, he does howl at night sometimes. I think Graeme is right. You’ll be looking back and laughing about this post one day.
hahah ! yeah and then he would never sleep again!
Reading this in the middle of the night in the middle of a flu bug which has kept me off social media for days. But I would like to add my four pennorth into this debate before I succumb to the ‘poor me’ syndrome again. It doesn’t end when the kids grow up.. Last week we had six year old granddaughter to stay – she sleeps like a starfish doing cartwheels , preferable on top of my head and totally unaware. She also grinds her teeth. Husband nearly always beats me to it – and sleeps in her room, in her single bed. Last time we got stuck in the doorway trying to escape… I have sharper elbows …but it’s usually him that wins and gets the uninterrupted sleep. And then has the bloody cheek to complain his feet are cold because the bed is only five foot long. Have realised the only time daughter doesn’t let granddaughter stay is when I’m ill and she’s frightened that precious granddaughter (and she is – we love her but not her cartwheeling – to bits !!) might get a bug. Wonder how long I can keep this one going? See you next year, Sacha. Jx
Hi Judith – Im totally replying backwards – its me playing catch up now! Hahahahahaha starfish, and cartwheels made me laugh out loud! That right there is why I love kids! This made me giggle! I wonder if my poor mum has the same issue!
Haha Sacha. He has your number. 😀 😀 😀
You may have to write another book about your tot, lol. Oh it sounds so familiar; although it doesn’t feel so old to the parent going through it. Hang in my friend,. Soon he’ll be 12 before you know it, and laughing at these days. xoxo 🙂
haha – Maybe I should – I have considered it but I don’t know that I could write that genre so well. I can’t believe that he’s 2, let alone any older!
Lol <3
Haha! Little ones are very inventive, aren’t they? Are we wrapped around their fingers? I think so!
hehe so true! and yes, he really does! :p
Funny as
hehe :p