This week, sees me turn the corner into a new decade. On Friday, I’m going to be 30.
I’ve gone on a bit of a rollercoaster of emotions over this birthday. I think most people do the same when they reach a new decade. So I figured, rather than do a philosophical reflection that’s all deep and meaningful, I’d just shamelessly confess all the dumb shit I’ve done over the last 29 years 11 months and 28 days.
MISTAKE ONE
When playing football indoors, don’t kick the door frame instead of the football cause you’re guna break a toe.
MISTAKE TWO
After an intensive night of drinking Sambuca shots, don’t assume that you’re safe to drive even at midday. You’re not safe. Especially not over road humps. Those humps make you projectile onto your windscreen. Five humps, five projectiles.
MISTAKE THREE
Don’t mistake mouldy cheddar cheese for stilton. Definitely not the same thing.
MISTAKE FOUR
When riding a rev and go scramble motorbike for the first time, it’s vital to know the difference between ‘accelerator’ and using the brake. Especially if you’re about to ride past a big ass mound of mud. Using the accelerator will cause you to ride over the mound and do some aerial acrobatics you really weren’t expecting.
MISTAKE FIVE
Don’t step backwards in a tree house unless you’ve checked the trap door is shut. Stepping back without checking leads you to fall out, scrapping several layers of skin off your ribs, and a rather peculiar monkey impression half hanging to the trap door and half hanging on to a branch.
MISTAKE SIX
When taking friends in your first car (a mini) remember it’s not a Range Rover, but a tiny car. Seven people do not fit into a mini. Seven people should also not be driven over speed bumps while in a mini. The resultant sparks from the rear of the car is your exhaust hanging off.
MISTAKE SEVEN
Learn the roads routes around your home. Because after 10 years of living in one area getting lost on a journey you’ve taken 3498589344528943789 times is frankly embarrassing.
MISTAKE EIGHT
If you’re allergic to milk, make sure you triple check the Starbucks barista is putting coconut milk in your coffee. Otherwise, ensure private toilets are in close proximity.
MISTAKE NINE
N.B. Jumping in driver side window of a moving car is dangerous.
MISTAKE TEN
When approaching the deadline for your university dissertation, ensure you haven’t partied all year and have actually done some work. Because turning up on Monday morning for your final tutor session, after having pulled an all-nighter and sheepishly handing over your dissertation will get you the following response: “I suggest you go get a coffee because you’re not handing this shit in.”
It will also result in a university sweepstake being set up with bets placed on how long you can stay awake and not leave the library for. To this day, I still hold the record for 52 hours straight. Got a First though! Muhahaha.
MISTAKE ELEVEN
MISTAKE TWELVE
When inviting your new colleagues out on a ‘let’s get to know you night.’ They don’t need to get to know you’re flesh. So don’t flash your naked ass cheeks at them. Monday is awkward.
MISTAKE THIRTEEN
Walk around with an extremely sore toe all day. When your wife suggests you pull the toe because it might be dislocated, don’t then pull the toe. ‘Re-locating’ you’re own toe is fucking painful.
MISTAKE FIFTEEN
If you have olive skin and dark brown hair. Bleaching it really isn’t sensible, cool or stylish. You’ll look like Spongebob Square Pants.
MISTAKE SIXTEEN
Going out in see-through lacey tank tops – not cool. Ever. (and no, I am not sharing the photographic evidence of this one) Pervs.
MISTAKE SEVENTEEN – this one is for Geoff’s benefit.
MISTAKE EIGHTEEN
Don’t go on holiday to Italy with one of your besties, and have too many oranges juices:
You sleep on kitchen tiles…. and throw up in the middle of an Italian food shop. Apparently Italian’s don’t like lettuce with their vomit.
MISTAKE NINETEEN
Overachieve on your mid-life crisis, and have your existential at 25. The result is YEARS of pain, sacrifice and nights burrowed away behind a screen. Okay, I lied. Writing is awesome. This one wasn’t a mistake.
MISTAKE TWENTY
Don’t come out of the closet at 16, only to dive back in at eighteen and have to come out all over again at twenty-one. It’s just inefficient.
MISTAKE TWENTY-TWO
While in labour, remember that the gas and air is not for sale. So don’t repeatedly ask to buy it, or threaten to steal it while the midwife isn’t looking.
MISTAKE TWENTY-THREE
Don’t smash your BRAND new glasses on your car door. It’s expensive.
MISTAKE TWENTY-FOUR
Smash a glass, drop the base on your toe and then wonder around the kitchen waving your toe (which is now pissing blood) everywhere. Applying pressure is much more useful.
MISTAKE TWENTY-FIVE
When getting off a plane after extreme turbulence due to severe wind. Take the wind direction into account when strategically aiming your vomit. Otherwise, you puke up the back of people’s trousers.
MISTAKE TWENTY-SIX AND TWENTY-SEVEN
While sober, don’t assume people are drunk, grip railings and dance like a lunatic – people think you’re on drugs instead of water.
Don’t willingly enter a mosh pit – ribs usually get broken.
TWENTY-EIGHT
When taking the best man to a wedding abroad. Ensure you’ve checked the tickets for the airport information. Turning up to the wrong airport and you’re screwed.
TWENTY-NINE
When sleeping outside under the stars. Remember that if you sleep on a hill, you’re liable to roll…into the river at the bottom of the hill.
MISTAKE THIRTY
When pulling dumb faces, ensure that no sly fuckers have cameras.
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And now I feel really OLD!
Haha don’t! You’re only as old as you feel!?
Oh Sacha you are hilarious !
Vomit seems to feature a lot….
And the photos… we all have em!!!
Yeah… oops. I have been sick a lot in my life. ??♀️ half of it self induced I’m the worst for that! Such a light weight too ?
Cheap date lol!!! ???
Such a cheap date! Hope you’re feeling better?
Getting there. Still off work though.?
Thinking of you ?
Thank you hunny xxx
If you’re planning to drink way too much, skip the purple nacho chips.
Hahah!!!! Right noted that! NO purple chips ????♀️??♀️
You’re quite a bit more vomitty than I realised. Very funny though, happy birthday Hun xx
Oh dear I think I must have been feeling poorly when I wrote this!?
Can’t wait to see u this weekend ?
Too late for me. I’m 62. Done them all twice now. Add in Carol’s faux pas and it’s 4x between the two of us.
haha, well I will have to try and keep going so I can catch you up! hehe.
Ha ha that’s hilarious!! I agree with Ritu, there was an AWFUL lot of vomit – and speed bumps!! Not always a good combination as you well know! Fab to share such great memories. xx
Hehe, be glad I didn’t mention pregnancy I was sick as a dog! Got some hilarious stories from that! Glad I made you laugh ????? that’s what you need first thing on a Monday ? xx
Hilarious! You’ve splashed sunshine all over me! ?❤️
Hehe glad I made you laugh ? it was funny writing it and recalling all the stupid stuff I’ve done ???
Hilarious!! Bit late for me though.
Hehe well, I’m sure you didn’t mess up as much as me ??
You’re just a wee babe! Love your photos Sacha, I love pulling faces too, but mine tend to be pretty scary! I do a get Halloween witch’s face. I’ve got photos too but I’m not sure whether I’d ever recover if I shared! My daughter says my witch’s face gives her nightmares! A very happy birthday on Friday, enjoy. Eat cake, drink and be merry but try not to puke, or break a toe! 🙂
hehe, I know. Although some days I do feel old! hahaha you gave your daughter nightmares!! hilarious. I will have to have a hunt to see if I have any scary photos – although I suspect all mine are me looking like a dick! hahaha. Thank you <3
I’ve always been partial to pulling faces, haven’t changed much! Lol !!
Enjoy your birthday Sacha and your 30 incidents are minor compared to some…. there is light at the end of the tunnel… when you get to 64 you can’t remember them anymore. We will compare notes at the Bloggers Bash in June. hugs Sally xx
Thanks sally 🙂 I can’t wait to compare notes – I also may have left out some of the erm…. more interesting faux pas! ?
We all do that honey.. trust me there are so many books that could be written!! xx
I’m almost 34 and let me tell you, your 30s are way more fun than your 20s. You just stop giving a f**k.
I’ve heard a lot of people say that actually – that you don’t care any more and feel more empowered. Hope that’s the case! ?
Have a wonderful vomit-free birthday, Sacha. Or if you have to vomit, make it story-worthy!
Lol Norah – that’s a cracking way to put it. Right I shall do my best to create a story this weekend! I thought of you this morning – had our first Nursery tour for baby black. And there were lots of words I recognised on posters because of your blog posts – They use the ‘growth mindset’ for one 😀
You must be so much fun to hang around with! 😉
haha, well I like to think so, but the word ‘nightmare’ has also been used pahahahah :p x
lol, I sympathise with nearly them all. Love the pics. I can add one mistake to the list. When on a night out, don’t drink pernod and black all night then on way to mothers with your child, tell the taxi driver to stop three doors down from mothers and throw up purple gook on the pavement. So busted. xx
haha they are terrible photos aren’t they!! But at least I can look back and know I had a laugh! EWWWWWWWW that is so bad but hilarious. Clearly you’re as naughty as me! :p xx
oh lol, yeah. Someday when we meet we can trade stories. xx
<3
???This is to die for, Sacha!!! Really a fantastic list to take serious…. lol!!!
Haha I’m so glad I made you smile 🙂 hehe at least I can laugh at myself hey ?
That is what I call real humor! You are fantastic in that, Sacha ?
hehe glad you think so – I wasn’t sure if anyone else would laugh with me :p
I am sure, I am not the only one ?
Your poor toe(s) have been through quite a lot!
Lol, I take it all on the chin, I like taking the mick out of myself anyway 🙂
Happiest of birthdays and may you LOVE your 30’s as much as I loved mine. This will be a crazy fun time for you. <3
hehe thank you Annette, 🙂 every one keeps telling me my thirties will rock 😀
I’m more than twice your age and haven’t vomited nearly as much – well, if I have, I’ve forgotten!
Have a happy birthday – and take care of the toe 🙂
haha – I have a pathetic stomach. Really, it’s pitiful. You should have seen me pregnant! The poor missus had to stop on every road in our county!! Thanks for stopping in 😀
Hilarious! Happy Birthday, Sacha! xx I dread to ask how you’re going to celebrate it 😀
hehe glad you enjoyed it – look ing back, it does make me slightly terrified for my birthday night out! muhahahaha. Actually, I feel sorry for the friends coming with me hehe. Thanks for stopping in :p
I don’t believe that’s it. I mean you are way too crazy not to have ingested more interesting substances, excreted other bodily fluids in embarrassing amounts/situations and more Darwin Award level Stupids than this. Though the vomit is about par for for each of my decades too. I dont get why everyone says it seems like a lot. Or maybe that’s me. I mean you must have tried to hand back a library book with regurgitated pineapple between the pages, haven’t you? Hasn’t everyone? Love the brow history though. I get why you went pro if those were the options.
Snigger. Oh please. As if I’d just give all the good shit away freely. The rest would get me arrested. The internet is forever Geoffle not just a blog post! hahaha. You would have to get me obscenely drunk before I confessed to my more Darwinian side :p
One day I might just make that investment….
lol be warned!
I’ve got some news for you, Sacha. There’re plenty more mistakes to make. Don’t let age be a barrier
Haha I’ve no intention only the best people make mistakes !
I must be f**king brilliant then!
Ha ha ha ha. Oh, we all have these lists and looking back is great for a laugh or 30. Hysterical. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
hehe, glad you had a laugh, I roared writing this and remembering all the bollox I got up to! You have to smile in life, perhaps less vomit in my 30’s though :p
Less vomit would be nice, but hey, it happens. 🙂
You could probably develop this into a wee book… 😉
poahahaha one day I want to write a late high school YA book – perhaps I can use some fodder! :p
Great list!!! … Happy Birth Day 😀 … may your 30’s involve a lot less regurgitation. 😀
hahahaha thank you!! I bloody hope there’s less! :p
I assure you I’m NOT laughing at you or you misfortune. I’m laughing NOWHERE near you and your misfortune and keeping my mumbling mouth shut about my own list of “Fhat the wuck where you thinking?” moments.
hahahaha, oh please do laugh at me! I am. If you can’t take the piss out of yourself what can you do!!! hehe. Glad I gave you a smile
You already know way more than I did at 30, Sacha! Happy Birthday!
hahaha, have I fudged up more too! so many lols hope those Zombies are treating you well.
FUCK NO! haha, I plan to be even more outrageous! muhahahahah :p
OMG! This is so funny. You should put it all in a book. ? Oh! Wait a minute, you are….aren’t you? ? Can’t wait until we give you 30 (and a quarter) birthday bumps at the PJ party. And I want to see you jump headfirst through the open window of a London taxi when I’m there.
haha not sure about an open taxi in London, but that’s not a bad idea about the book! :p :p but maybe I ought to finish the ones I’ve started first LOLLLL
Happy birthday oh young one! Lol, love your list, and the eyebrow photos! 🙂 Brave post my friend with some wise advice. <3 xo
hehe, I don’t mind making a fool out of myself, always happy to laugh at my own expense! :p xx
That’s the whole trick Sach, laughing at yourself and others laughing with you. 🙂 xo
Happy Birthday when it comes!! Hopefully the next decade will be filled with more crazy antics. This really made me laugh 🙂
Hehe thank you Raven, it gave me a giggle or five writing it!
Why is everyone talking about vomit? I mean, can we discuss those eyebrows? 😉 Happy (early) birthday, beautiful lady! <3
Pahahahaha I know freaking terrible weren’t they!
Haha! Well you’ve certainly done a lot of stuff, Sacha! Have a great birthday! Xxx
Sadly I still don’t know all the roads around my house, a condition that has only gotten worse as I’ve relied on my GPS more. Really, if it wasn’t for my GPS I suspect I would be living in a hut somewhere having given up on ever finding my way back and simply settling down wherever I found myself.
pahahah that is me! so many lols
Oh, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!
Lol thank you.