Teaching Your Parents About Bedtime – Lessons from a Terror Tot

This is not me!

This is not me!

I’ve commandeered Mummy Black’s laptop, she would be pissed if she knew. But she doesn’t so it’s ok. Unless you tell her, in which case I’ll cry and then pee poo on you…the runny kind.

See, parents think they know everything. They don’t. Not really. Cause I know everything. I know every trick under the sun to rile mummy and mama up until a force 100 hurricane blows through the whole house.


Yep. Bedtime is the secret.

I have discovered that the insurmountable cot mountain, is in fact, NOT insurmountable at all. The total opposite, as it turns out.

It’s a doddle to climb out of. All one has to do is hook a foot, lean a belly and flip flop, mums your mama, I’m on the floor.

If it weren’t for the crafty thud I’d be home free and playing cars. Nonetheless, toddlers of the bloggisphere, here are my top 15 tips for bedtime.

  1. Climb out of the cot at intermittent times. This ensures mummy has gone downstairs for the 28th time.
  2. Listen carefully for mummies bottom touching the sofa. It’s essential for the timing to be right. As soon as she sits on the sofa (downstairs), climb out of bed. Again. Loudly.
  3. Watch what your mum says. They only give two warnings. Then you get the silent treatment, at which point, go all guns blazing on the giggling. Silent treatment = a game.
  4. Throw toys. LOTS of toys….at the walls. And maybe definitely at the window.
  5. Empty all your clothes and scatter sporadically across the floor. Proceed to hide toys under the clothes so that mummy steps on things – warning – duck as this causes arms to fly.
  6. Also listen to what she says – there are a lot of half words – I’m convinced they are naughty words – stock pile these for later combing and subsequent usage.
  7. If your parents don’t drink much – make sure you pick a night to start cot climbing when they are out of comfort food.
  8. Sing. Loudly. That annoying nursery rhyme works best.
  9. The door is a musical instrument in the form of a bass drum. The neighbours especially like this one.
  10. Jump up and down as hard as you can, I hear you can go through the roof. Duno what that means but it sounds cool.
  11. Scream until you’re sick and then cry because you were sick. (note that second cry gets you hugged)
  12. Repeat ‘Schtorreeey, schtory, storrrrrry’ 89 times.
  13. Run in circles
  14. Whimper
  15. Whine in your best parent guilt tripping voice. Trust me, you can break them.

Warning – definitely try these at home. 

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      1. Okay… stick with the wine 🙂

        We would like to…but with everything up in the air between a possible house move for me and Nick’s current momentous plans that have me doing the headless chicken act, I don’t have a clue what’ll be happening at that point!

      2. Yike, who gives up chocolate? You’ve got a terror tot, you need lots of it. Fair game. 🙂 If you’re worried about it, stick to eating 75 or more percent dark, just the bars. Getting ones with nuts in them makes you feel like you’re being extra healthy.

        1. Haha. An addict gives up! I had to have hypnotherapy – I eat my emotions, what can I say, when you’re hiding chocolate, and eating two FAMILY sized bars a night you know you have a problem. Unfortunately for me, I have no self control and can’t eat just a little bit and save the rest. I gave up for 8 months last year – sadly I got a bit low and started eating it again – whacked on several stones I am now trying to rid myself of!

  1. When they are teenagers, the opposite happens, they won’t get out of bed when you do all the singing, crying and door slamming. Mark up ways to get your on back in a few years – vacuuming is a great one as is having relatives phoning early morning.
    Then they go out with friends etc and you won’t be able to sleep until you know they are safely home!
    Cat nap when you can?

    1. haha glad you enjoyed it – I may have embellished a couple of things… :p but it gave me a giggle writing it – had to after the night we had. I officially hate bedtime!

      1. Its true… She’s like a stealth agent, slipping into our bed in the middle of the night… I sometimes don’t realise until I am about to wake up! If I hear her, I take her back to bed…
        We get weeks of her staying in her room, then it happens again… I really don’t know why! It;s not like she is upset, or scared, I think it’s habit!
        DON’T WORRY, THEY AREN’T ALL LIKE THIS!!! My son is a fantastic sleeper!!!

          1. They figure everything out unfortunately, but hopefully he’ll get bored before finding that out, and will stay in his cot bed!

      2. Ok so is this mine is worse than yours? No. 2 climbed into our bed from nothing (following first cot escape) until 12. The worst bit? Her two cuddlies that she tossed ahead of her swallow dive between us, each exactly aimed to hit a parent. Somehow she launched herself in a straight line but landed sideways so prising each of us out of bed. We bought two new beds in the period merely for bigger mattresses. Now she sleeps with her boyfriend and I wonder if he gets kicked out. Maybe I should ask…?

          1. Often times I’d fall out as she corkscrewed around. Eventually I developed a gripping buttock to be able to remain half out and yet not fall. One of my USPS my gripping buttock.

          2. There’s a tradeoff between funny and story. The funny must advance the story so too much is like chocolate overdosing. Yes you’ll laugh I guarantee but I am still learning to get the balance right. Serous is much easier

  2. Yep! That’s just what it’s like! But it doesn’t last. Although it feels like it lasts forever. Its just tbe novelty. Whatever you do, dont let him start getting into your bed… he’ll be a teenager before he gets out of it, if you do!

      1. Yes especially at 3 am in the morning! Hope you’re tough enough. I think you are, although how you resist those baby blues and blonde curls I just don’t know! ?

  3. I remember those days (shudders!) Mine didn’t see the point of sleeping. Then when he got a bit older he didn’t want to go to sleep in case he had nightmares. With all we have to put up with raising them to adulthood I don’t know how the human race survives!

    1. Hahaha I totally agree! Seriously how does the human race survive?! Well he didn’t care much for sleeping until Christmas just gone! He was over two before he slept though consistently I nearly broke before Xmas and just as I couldn’t handle any more he magically slept through!

    1. Hehe, Geoff and Ali said that when he wrote the cake one! Maybe I will….. Only for special moments like this though! ?? glad you found it funny, it was meant tongue in cheek! I guess we have to laugh at life if we don’t we won’t make it!

  4. Oh, Sacha, I do feel for you and your wife. I remember this stage well, going up and down, up and down, screaming, banging (Miss Hap had this thing where she would drum her legs against the wall (I am sure the neighbours loved this at 4am) and throwing a mega tantrum.
    All I can say is that keep with it, as eventually the Terror Tot will stop!

  5. Read him one of my stories…no only joking. Thank goodness we have a dog. Mind you, he does howl at night sometimes. I think Graeme is right. You’ll be looking back and laughing about this post one day.

  6. Reading this in the middle of the night in the middle of a flu bug which has kept me off social media for days. But I would like to add my four pennorth into this debate before I succumb to the ‘poor me’ syndrome again. It doesn’t end when the kids grow up.. Last week we had six year old granddaughter to stay – she sleeps like a starfish doing cartwheels , preferable on top of my head and totally unaware. She also grinds her teeth. Husband nearly always beats me to it – and sleeps in her room, in her single bed. Last time we got stuck in the doorway trying to escape… I have sharper elbows …but it’s usually him that wins and gets the uninterrupted sleep. And then has the bloody cheek to complain his feet are cold because the bed is only five foot long. Have realised the only time daughter doesn’t let granddaughter stay is when I’m ill and she’s frightened that precious granddaughter (and she is – we love her but not her cartwheeling – to bits !!) might get a bug. Wonder how long I can keep this one going? See you next year, Sacha. Jx

    1. Hi Judith – Im totally replying backwards – its me playing catch up now! Hahahahahaha starfish, and cartwheels made me laugh out loud! That right there is why I love kids! This made me giggle! I wonder if my poor mum has the same issue!

  7. You may have to write another book about your tot, lol. Oh it sounds so familiar; although it doesn’t feel so old to the parent going through it. Hang in my friend,. Soon he’ll be 12 before you know it, and laughing at these days. xoxo 🙂

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