Tag Archives: angry lesbian

Anger

Today I am just fucking angry. I can’t help it.

I am angry with everything, at everything, about everything and with everyone.

I don’t want to be consoled I feel like enough of a leper as it is without everyone trying to tread on eggs shells around me and tell me how well I’m doing. Fuck off.

I’m not in control, I am not ok, and I don’t wana hear that I’m “doing so well- your coping brilliantly”

Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.

The only reason everyone else thinks I’m coping is because I don’t do emotion in front of people. I only discuss fact and the action plan we are taking. What else is there? (Don’t answer that)

And then when I am on my own, I let silent tears fall down my cheeks.

All day everyday I am thinking about my eggs and IVF. I am losing the plot on the inside and a stone cold monster on the outside.

Whatever you think. I am not coping. Not one bit. Nothing about this is fucking ok.

This isn’t fair. And it’s taking too long.

I am angry at the world today.

:*(

Boredom is a virus

Boredom is like a virus.

 

It’s a disease.

 

It starts with a unitary cell and spreads slowly and calculatingly through your whole body, until your entire being is depressed.

 

One brain cell, followed by another, and another, and then it spreads to your blood stream and into your muscles. Fatigue swells through your limbs and fights the nodules of energy in your muscles; causing you to feel restless and itchy.

 

It makes your whole body ache with irritation. You want to resort to childhood tantrums, except you can’t because you’re at work and it’s not allowed. You can feel your soul wriggling around inside you tempting you to do something naughty or inappropriate, just to explode out of the boredom.

 

The problem is, boredom isn’t momentary. Once you are bored, it infects everything. Suffocating your motivation, and drains you of energy.

 

When I am busy, I get lots done I am efficient, effective, and creative. But when I don’t have enough to do, I get angry. My inner hulk, is awakening, I can feel the familiar burn of rage brewing deep in my gut. I want to lash out at everyone because I am frustrated, but I can’t. They haven’t done anything. It’s me. I am frustrated at my situation, I am unhappy, but worst, I am bored. Bored of the same 8 hours a day, miserable at the lack of challenge, and tired of being surrounded my uneducated, close minded idiots.

 

Boredom is a virus. I am infected. I am contagious.

 

Rolling out the red carpet of intuition

I have found that people either have intuition or they don’t. I haven’t come across many shades of sort of got intuition.

Apparently I have got it.

 

Yes, I studied Psychology, but it’s more than that. Psychology at degree and masters level is very theory driven, everyone always thinks its that ‘pop’ psychology. With the body language reading etc etc. It isn’t really. I mean you can choose to study that if you want too but generally my degree had nothing to do with that.

Anyway, I kind of knew I had a penchant for reading people and making pretty good character judgements quickly, but I guess I never knew how good.

I was recently rolled out to meet one of the gf’s friends (lets call him Luke for this blog) and his new bit (lets call her Anna). Because Luke and the gf wanted me to suss Anna out and see if she was a ‘good egg’ so to speak. I made a few general comments about Anna to Luke, and it was like a light bulb went off. We had dinner, so I couldn’t have spent much more than 2 or 3 hours with them. But when I made these comments and what the ramifications could be for their future relationship, it seemed like the penny dropped for Luke. He had already had some concerns but I guess he couldn’t place them.

Could have been a one off I guess but I have three other stories over the last year or so in a similar vein.

1. My friend started dating a new girl. For no particular reason, I took an instant dislike to her. To be honest it made me seem completely unreasonable, and my friend wasn’t happy with me. But when she asked me what I thought of her new girlfriend, I told her. I didn’t like her, and she gave me bad vibes. I couldn’t explain why, or how I knew that, but she didn’t and I really urged her to get rid of her. Well, she didn’t not straight away anyway. It took nearly three months. But after that she turned into a total psycho. I mean really, seriously mental. My friend got the hell out of there before she turned killer, and I tried hard not to say I told you so.

2. I had a hair dresser for the best part of a year, and then a new girl started. She started washing my hair before I had it cut, and after a little while I started to get anxious about going to the hair dressers. It got really really bad, I would have full blown anxiety attacks and couldn’t understand why. After a while I put two and two together, and realised that it was the new women washing my hair. I was again completely unreasonable, but would freak out and told my hair dresser I didn’t want her washing my hair and that I would come in with my hair wet in future. It got so bad I didn’t want her anywhere near me. I had no idea why I felt so strongly, I just knew she was bad news. Anyway, a little while later, I admitted to my hair dresser that I didn’t like her one bit and I thought she was bad on the inside, and he stopped what he was doing and said

“are you joking me?”

Me: No, why?

Hairdresser: She has been stalking me, took my number off the work system, and followed me home the other night, pushed me down the alley and said that if I didn’t have sex with her she would tell my manager I raped her.

It transpired that she had been spreading malicious rumours about him, and making his life a misery trying to break up his relationship etc etc. This women was married with kids and everything.

I have to say the anxiety settled after I found out, because I understood why I was feeling like that.

3. This is horrible. Please don’t think that I accuse people randomly or think bad of everyone I don’t. But this is different.

I think I live next door to a child abuser. We moved into this house 1 year and 2 days ago and I have been trying to get the authorities involved ever since.

When we moved in I met him shortly afterwards, and I instantly felt my skin crawl. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but I felt physically sick when I saw him. I refused to walk outside alone when he was there, and generally the feeling got worst.

I have noticed him taking the same kids into the house, and they don’t look happy. He obsessively cleans his car, including the boot… removing every tiny spec of dust and dirt. I have NEVER in the whole year I have lived here, seen the curtains open. He keeps himself to himself, and does a number of other odd things.

Anyway, I felt so uneasy that I went to a police friend and asked them to investigate on the quiet, and was told they couldn’t. Then I went to a police colleague in the security unit, and asked them to investigate formally. Now I am on placement in children’s services I have spoken to a couple of senior managers and social workers about how I can get him investigated. The problem is I don’t know his name or the name of the kids. They won’t do anything with out names, to my abject horror and disgust. It is beyond frustrating. I feel helpless, and more helpless to help the kids.

Thing is, I know its not just me who thinks it anymore. The other day my neighbour behind me had a full blown row with the guy calling him a paedo and threatening to bosh him if he ever hurt a kid. I swear I never said a word about what I thought to him. You have to wonder when it’s not just you who thinks it, there has to be some truth. The police were called and everything. I wonder whether they would be more likely to believe my hunch now that the police have been involved already

We have a gut instinct for a reason, and I am convinced mine is right.

I won’t give up and I want him investigated.

Demon emailer makes for an angry Sacha

Today, I am boshing out my angry lesbian.

We have established that I hate vague rambling discussions and or instructions, and these nearly made it onto my list of pet hates.

However, I still only have three official pet hates, (official because I have an endless ever growing list of things that annoy me, but three that will instantly piss me off)

I hate being patronized. It makes me arrogant and angry and ultimately turns me into the antichrist!

Don’t patronize me because

a) I am probably more intelligence than you

and

b) I can definitely do whatever it is that were doing better than you

So this new person has taken over the HR for the scheme that I am on. Supposedly they are “babysitting” it. Sorry the last time I checked I didn’t actually wear diapers anymore.

Anyway.

A little while ago we were asked to organise an event. Asked for ideas and then the reins were past over to us to get on with the event.

New girl starts, a little over a week after we were told to get on with it.

Newbie sends some really patronizing email giving us an arbitrary deadline for the next working day to ‘submit’ our presentations to her to ‘review’ them.

#rage instantly.

Firstly we were never given a deadline in the first place, secondly dont ask for something the next working day when its already the afternoon and I am rammed up to my eyeballs in work; and thirdly, the event was still a WHOLE month away. Your not in the private sector now love. Welcome to the public sector!

I responded with a polite email back suggesting that the deadline be pushed forward because the event was a long way away and that the deadline was a little close.

This earnt the newbie the nick name “Demon Emailer”

The ridiculous email continues

“I am sure that you all have been formulating your ideas for what you are going to talk about since the time you volunteered to do these sessions. ”

The response I SHOULD have sent:

No you patronizing bitch, I have not been formulating ideas, I offered to do this a week ago. I have been up to my eyeballs in real work besides I am conducting a 15 minute ice breaker I do not need to spend hours doing it, now fuck off and chill out.

I didn’t. I was polite.

Demon Emailer continues:

If your workload is such that you don’t think those timelines are workable, we have another couple of graduates who are interested in helping out

At this point I genuinely turned purple in the face at the audacity of the demon emailer. How dare you suggest that I am incapable of delivering a 15 minute session in a months time. No I do not need help, its FIFTEEN MINUTES of material. I could piss longer than that, this is not hard.

Anyway, after my hulk climbed back inside, and my face returned to its olivey colour, I decided to march up to the demon emailers office and ‘ave a word’

Demon emailer can’t be thinking they can get away with this for the rest of their time here!

Polite conversation was had. Through gritted teeth I hasen to add.

Its at this point that I am convinced I am working with a full on robot. I have never seen anyone fidget less in my life. The wind could have picked up and their hair wouldn’t have even budged plus their posture was waaay too straight to be normal.

We move on a couple of weeks.

Demon emailer decided that they wanted a rehersal of the event.

Much to irritation. Again, this is 15 minutes. Not hard.

Reluctantly I drag myself to this meeting.

Demon Emailer then says:

“Now then Sacha, let’s role play your piece shall we, lets practice all together (insert painfully perky smile) and then we can all make sure we are perfect. I have trained people across the world  and  run events for small groups to huge conferences, and I know that to look natural and unpracticed you need to practice practice practice”

#RAGE

Firstly, no I will not role play my section, I am not four, and we are not in drama class now love.

Secondly, your telling me your life story like I give a fuck.

Thirdly, you sat perfectly still for so long theres a fly nesting in your perfect hair (ok not true, but I wish it had been)

Fourthly, wipe that perky smile off your face before I do

Evidently I didn’t actually say any of these things, but I really wanted to.

*sigh*

I did refuse to participate though. I mean really, role playing my 15minute section. Delusional.

Conniption- My Secret Inner Hulk

con·nip·tion/kəˈnipSHən/

Conniption
Noun: A fit of rage or hysterics

Conniption

I am literally the poster child for conniption, and angry lesbian!

As my dear friend likes to tell me on a regular basis.

I tend not to ‘do’ many emotions other than extremely angry or extremely happy.

This causes problems.

Mostly for other people, but occasionally for myself.

Particularly when people can’t handle me, and they make me feel like I need to moderate myself on their behalf. We don’t tend to stay acquainted for long.

Working in the public sector being a conniption is a massive problem.

People are often unsure how to take me, I am admittedly slightly unstable, (in a conniptiony type way- not mentally!) and they are never sure if I will react to something with a fit of rage, or a fit of hysterical laughter.

When someone has something important, or controversial to tell me I can see their unconscious wincing before they open their mouth… and then they brace themselves for whatever reaction they might get.

If I had more of a heart I’d feel bad about it. But I shan’t apologise for who I am, and if I missed a few emotional DNA strands along the whole birthing process well that ain’t really my fault is it?!

Thing is, usually I respond with red rage. This is normally a burst of momentary rage.

I would speak loudly.

(This is most important. I find it highly irritating that people always tell me that I shout at them.

I don’t

I am loud ALL THE TIME! Just because your little ears can’t handle any noise above a whisper, does not mean I am shouting)

I might spew some profanities at whomever had irritated me this time. This adds to their perception of me shouting.

I am not shouting. I am talking loudly, and….passionately.

And thats another thing. Why do people always take my passion for aggression?

I am loud, and passionate, therefore I MUST be aggressive?

AND WHY, why do they try to make out like its a bad thing, and make you feel bad for it?

Well I don’t, I am entirely proud of me, and won’t be made to feel bad about it.

Generally after an outburst of my inner hulk If you give me five minutes, I am over it.

They usually aren’t… for quite some time.

I don’t get this.

If people stopped getting offended all the time, we would all get on a lot better. People say offensive things to me all the time, you don’t see me crying over it.

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” “sticks and stones”

For example, my manager recently told me:

” You really need to be a little bit less Sacha. Your personality is a risk to your reputation.”

I instantly felt my inner hulk smashing at my skin to get out.

Inner Hulk

I managed to contain my inner hulk.

Just.

However I did have several mental senarios run through my head – mostly of jumping across the desk and savagely punching him in the face, knocking a few teeth out and wiping the satisfied smirk smile off of their face.

I did none of them and contained myself, with great mental sacrifice.

After an hour long lecture from my manager about how I need to moderate myself, and how bad my personality is blah blah blah… As I left the scene of crime, my manager had the cheek to tell me not to get road rage on the way home.

Cunt.