I quit my job.
But on March 5th 2019, I found myself sat at a canteen table, both my managers staring back at me. One of them knew. Maybe it was written in the glint in my eye or the tremor in my hands. Perhaps it’s just that somethings are inevitable. Somethings you can taste like the cut of thunder in the air before it arrives.
I didn’t even open my mouth.
“You’re leaving, aren’t you?” he said.
I was.
Ironic really, that as a writer I’m struggling to capture the emotion I felt in what has to be one of the most momentous points of my life. I’ve worked in local government for eight years. Eight very long years. It’s not that there’s anything wrong with my organisation, more that I personally wasn’t suited to working in a conservative organisation with more than its fair share of bureaucracy. But hey, it taught me things too. Lots.Of.Things…
Things I Did Learn!
- I have a deep seated aversion to authority
- A healthy thirst for subverting any – and all – rules thrust upon me
- I point blank refuse to be anything other than myself at all times
- And while I can toe the line and do diplomacy and small ‘p’ politics, I’d rather stab myself in the eye than swallow anything inappropriate I’ve got to say
The Universe Listens, Be careful What You Say
Sat at the canteen table, eight years of emotions swirled in my chest. I’d wanted to leave more or less from the moment I arrived which was:
416 weeks (2920 days or 70,080 hours) ago. Seventy THOUSAND hours of doing something I didn’t want to.
I’d spent the entire of 2018 saying 2019 was going to be my year. Without being too philosophical about this, I honestly think the universe listens. If you say something enough – and you’re willing to put the sweaty, frequent tear-gushing, sleepless nights into it – then you will manifest it. Think of it as a self-fulfilling prophecy if you like. Granted when saying it I had no idea 2019 would actually lead me to quit my job. I’d assumed I’d cut hours down and be financially better off. Not once did I think I’d leave. And yet,
I should have listened to my friend back in November. When booking a writing retreat to Dubrovnik for June 2019, she said she had a feeling I’d be writing full-time. I laughed in her face, literally. Had she lost her fucking mind? At that point in November, there was no possible way I could write full time. Yet, just three months later, I was sliding that piece of paper across the table. It’s eye-wateringly shocking to me that I can shift my life that fast and that extensively in such a short period of time. November I was staring down an eternal barrel of doom, depression and demoralising slavery. And then, just as suddenly, I wasn’t.
The Intangible Tangible
I still can’t get my head around it. As I write this, I’m sitting in my office – something else I didn’t think I’d have having spent the last five years on the diningroom table – sipping a coffee, the patter of rain splattering the cobbles outside. I still can’t believe I’m here. I don’t know how to adequately convey the inexplicable swell of joy my chest.
Looking back it all seems so close and yet ethereally far away at the same time. Memories are funny like that. So tangible in a wholly transulcent way. Capturing the wrenching pain of the last eight years seems fruitless. But I’m going to try if for no other reason than to encourage someone reading this to take the first step in their journey. Life is too short to be in pain.
The Past
I used to wake up every day knowing I had to spend the majority of my day doing something that made my skin crawl and my heart bleed.
Every day, every email, my chest ached writing anything corporate instead of fantastical. Such a simple task – penning an email, yet it caused me a kind of physical hurt. A searing pain that made me want to scream and cry. I wasn’t doing what my soul wanted nor what my purpose for being alive was.
Out of Body Pain
I’m not being dramatic when I say that some days were like out of body experiences. I could feel myself climb out of my body and sit on the floor beside my office chair. I have these strange memories of metaphysical me on the floor clasping her hands around her knees and rocking, quietly moaning and sobbing and clawing at her face. There were weeks (yes, plural), where I cried every day. Be it in a toilet, or a tree, or a corridor. I wept because I hurt. Because I was frustrated and because there was a thing so beautiful and so pure beating inside me but it was trapped in a cage with bureaucracy and monotonous paper pushing bars.
Each day I tortured myself with continuous clock watching. I counted down the hours and minutes until I could walk out the doors and yet with every tick I knew I’d have to come back the next day. That was the worst bit, knowing there was no way out, no light at the end of the tunnel.
Even now, sat at my desk with freedom in my heart, there’s a pull. A gnawing fear in my gut that someone is going to turn around and say, “Only joking silly girl, off you go back to work.” I know that cold slick of fear when I go to sleep at night will take a while to disappear. I’m okay with that. I’ll use it, turn the fear into motivation and drive to create more, earn more, do more. There’s no way I’m going back to employment, not until my cold, dead body is ash and rot.
Hope is Insidious
while it reminds you that you don’t have the thing you want. Like the carrot on the end of the proverbial stick, hope is unreachable because, of course, once you get the thing you want, you no longer need hope. And in the meantime, while it’s driving you forward, the slippery bastard is also pushing you down and cheese grating reminders of what you want all over your consciousness.
This is a horrific photo of myself. And you might wonder why on earth I’d share it. Well, I’m sharing it because it’s the ugly truth and sometimes the truth is needed.
I took this photo the day before my son’s 4th birthday. November 29th, 2017. It was my lowest point, it’s not a pretty selfie, it’s not even pleasant to look at. Everytime I look at it it sends a shiver of fear-laced pain down my spine. I never want to go back there. I never want to be her again.
It was a wake up call. When I looked at the photo I was shocked at the amount of pain etched into my skin, I didn’t even recognize the girl in the photo. So I kept it as a reminder – I had to get out. I had to keep fighting because otherwise, it was going to kill me.
Want to know what it looks like when you choose not to follow your dream? This is it. Take it from me, you have to do what your soul craves. You have to pursue it until you get it. Because the alternative is mental prison… This is what a cage does to a person.
I was broken.
Completely and utterly cored out until all that was left was a battered shell, empty eyes and an aching heart.
But Still, I Didn’t Quit
I could have quit. Believe me. Right there in that moment I wobbled. I wondered if it was all worth it. If the pain of wanting something so much and not being able to reach it was worth the anguish, the hurt and the grind. But what other choice did I have? Quit? Then what? Continue in a life I hated. There was no choice because I couldn’t quit. If I quit, I lost. And even in that broken state, I wasn’t about to be beaten.
So I carried on. This is my message to you.
Keep Fighting
I returned to my laptop night after night. Weary, exhausted and with no light at the end of the tunnel, and I kept writing anyway. I created affirmations and goals, I studied the craft relentlessly, listened to podcasts. Sacrificed more things in order to make more time. I trimmed down what I was doing until I was left with only the tasks and projects I knew would help me leave work. If you’re interested, I’ll write more about my strategy in later posts.
I’d love to tell you that an offer suddenly came through or my books became a roaring success over night. But that shit is for Cinderella and fairytales.
It was 17 months after that photo before I was in a position to quit.
S.E.V.E.N.T.E.E.N. MONTHS of clawing my way out of a hole. Of gritting my teeth and pushing on anyway. But I made it.
The Luck Myth
And that’s why
Truly. I believe it. You just need to too.
This might be a dream come true, but it certainly isn't a fairytale. Dreams are two parts gritty-sweat-fuelled hard work and one part time. #Amwriting #IARTG #writingcommunity #indieauthor Share on X
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I bloody ❤️ this post and I can’t wait to be in Dubrovnik with you celebrating our life changes and the power of taking control of life back!
Thank you dude, I can’t wait either. It truly is a year of change <3
Good for you and good luck.
Thank you Mary, I appreciate the support <3
WTYS 😉
BAHAHAHAAHAHAHA!!!!! You stop that immediately :p
😀
I’m very happy for you. Keep on writing. 📚
Thank you Lizett, I really appreciate the support <3
This is so inspiring, Sacha. You should be proud of yourself. Thank you for sharing.
I’m genuinely really happy to hear that because I was worried it would come across negative. I meant it as an inspirational post, but at the same time, I had to get out some of the pain. Thank you so much for all your support along the way. It means the world to me.
Hi ya, this post is awesome, but I won’t lie it brought a few tears to my eyes. Yes you did something few have managed… I’ve been in that place where you ached and your metaphysical self was in tears next to you and somehow you carry on. So I get ya.
While I’m in a better place I’m not where I want to be and that won’t come for a while yet becasue A) I don’t really know what that is B) I couldn’t do it even if… just couldn’t. Can’t. Have no other way.
You’re an inspiration Sacha and I can’t express how much I want you to succeed. 🙂 <3
ahhh thank you Simon, it was pretty emotional writing it to be honest, but cathartic in the same way. I’m sorry you’ve been in the same place I have, I really wouldn’t wish it upon anyone.
You CAN make it. But you do have to know WHAT you want to do. Without that, there is no path. Decide and you can have the same single-minded obsession as I did.
I will make it somehow to somewhere… I have been obsessive in my younger years so I know I can do it 🙂
You absolutely can. I believe in you 😊
Thank you. That means so much to me 🙂
Great post. I read it because I had to quit my job of 6 years two weeks ago due to ill health. I’ve been trying to find a new job for the last few years but with no luck and my health has been getting worse. Now, without the stress of the job I can work on getting better then hopefully move on to find a more suitable job – maybe one that involves writing!
I’m so so sorry about your health, I hope that you’re recovering speedily. I am healing too in a way, it’s been a long hard slog and emotionally, I definitey have some healing to do. I hope that you find the perfect role for you. Thank you so much for stopping in and reading. 😀
Thank you.
Oh Sacha, I wish we could sit down and talk about “how you did it”. I’ve been trying for 5 years to be able to write full time. This is my “do or die” year where I will have to get a full-time job if things don’t start panning out. I’m trying a version of the 100 books to 50K attack but I’m overwhelmed because the time I should be spending on marketing and publicity and building my mailing list, I’m still doing freelance editing to help pay bills and it’s putting me behind in my goals. I’m pushing through, but there’s only so much I can do.
ohhh M.J. I am praying you achieve what you need to, I really am. I have everything crossed. And honestly? It’s an easy answer. Multiple streams of income. Not letting any one income be the sole source of my wages. I will do more posts about it for sure. Now I have the time to blog I will share more of my journey and how I got here. 😀 Also – ONE HUNDRED BOOKS????? *jaw drops*
LOL! I know, right? The premise is that once you’ve managed to published 100 book (over several years) you’ll be making 50K. Each “release” doesn’t have to be a “book”, just “new”. I’m working on an 8-part steampunk superhero serial right now where I release an Amazon Short Read (approx. 5-7 chapters or 9-13K words) that act as linked short stories. It’s fun, but then I’ve also got my new romantic suspense series, and my DEMON Tales novella series (I’m co-writing that one) coming out for Halloween. It’s “go” time 😉
I’m looking forward to reading about your journey on the blog 🙂
Wishing you all the VERY BEST in your future endeavours, Sacha 🤗❤️🤗
Thanks so much Chris 😀
I’m with your dad. You have to walk away – or it’ll kill you – you’ll disappear into something totally unrecognizable. Yeah, friends and family are drop jawed (been there, done that), but even if there are hard times and unexpected obstacles, you’re in control of your own destiny and it is healthier and better to walk away – you’ll survive. It’ll be fun (maybe further down the road looking back, but the right choice). You’re funny. You’re smart. You are able to motivate yourself. Onward through the fog. (And the Universe does listen)
Ahhh thank you for such lovely words. The first week has been rocky emotionally. But I’m out of the fog now (I think) though I still have the fear of having to go back! I think if I’m happier then my family will be too 🙂
Woohoo! Love this. I quit my retail job and increased my hours in botanical illustration to 15 hours a week. I was so scared. I would never make rent but I hated working retail. I had a boyfriend at the time who encouraged me to quit. Two weeks later, while putting in some hours in botany, a man called from the VA hospital looking for a full-time illustrator. My boss wasn’t in to reply, so I took the opportunity and brought my portfolio to the hospital. BINGO! I became a medical illustrator. It’s all about timing and just doing it.
I’m super happy for you!!
Hi Susie, thanks so much for your kind words. It’s funny how the universe delivers, you needed the work and boom, it arrives!
Thank you for this post! I recently turned my life upside down with a separation and international move and dove right into the “get a real job” mode (i.e min wage retail), which put me under so much pressure and I was miserable. Luckily, I got fired, so now I can focus on what I love doing, and hope that it will grow enough to be a stable means of income. I was in Dubrovnik last year, if you need any tips, hit me up. I did the self guided GoT tour and everything 😉
Blimey! That’s quite the life change. I’m so so happy for you that you got fired from your ‘real job’ hehe. What did you think of Dubrovnik? What would you recommend?
Oh dude , you don’t know how happy I am for you!
I just hope to be in your position one day.
Thingbis, for me, I do love my day job too, so I’d only quit if it was a financially viable option.
But the writing…. Its always there, pulling at me!
Can’t wait to see many more of your books on my shelf and my Kindle! 😍
Ahh thank you so much Ritu, I WISH I loved my day job as much as you do, but it wasn’t meant to be. I do however, love it that much now :p. If you write enough books, it will be viable 🙂 <3
The plan is there… Did you read my email? It’s all planned!!
I haven’t yet, sorry. Had a bussssssssssy day today. Will have a read later <3
No worries 😍
Get in there Sacha, take no prisoners and write on!
hehe, thank you so much Gary 🙂
This is a great piece on achieving your dream and of escaping the rut of a working life that most people hate but are unwilling to do anything about. Much inspiration can be taken from this and the lessons to be learnt are that if you really want something then it is up to you to make it happen. Like you said, the universe gives you that which you put the effort in to achieve.
I’m really proud to read your story, to know that you have taken the leap to follow your heart in the area that makes you feel alive instead of remaining in the soul sapping job just because it brings in a regular income. Good for you! Don’t worry about those occassional nags about whether you did the right thing, that’s your logical brain learning something new.
Congratulations again on your escape! Cheering for you from over here.
Hey Tim, thank you so much for those kind words. Your support means the world to me, I love that you’ve been on the journey with me. It’s been a rocky couple of weeks, there’s definitely some of that brain logic I need to work through!
Such an amazing post Sacha. I am so pleased for you,you are so brave. You have made your own luck and written your own script well fucking done (I don’t use the f word lightly)
I hope (and hope is a fickle shit too along with luck) so I know you will succeed you have the balls and determination and the strength to do so now. Let’s face it life is not a bed of Roses… Or Quality Street either.
I came to writing late after a life changing accident but I want it too. My problem is time..yea! Time, I am retired and should have loads of time. What I do have is a hubby who thinks he is supportive but in my writing he is NOT. But that’s my problem and I will cope with it. I spend what time I can collating for my poetry book and I am getting there.
After reading this and recognising so much of what you are saying I am more determined then ever to get my book out there. I am not lazy, I am not stupid. I am sick of feeling stopped at every turn I will and can do this I will grab my dream.
For now Sacha I wish you every success fight any niggling doubts those bastards certainly hang about..be famous .
Love you 💜💜💜
Best of luck, Sacha. All I can say is, you’re lucky to have someone to pay the bills for you. I really hope you succeed in making a living though, most of us don’t!
Actually I don’t! I’m the bread winner. And as a result I’ve had to wait until I grew my company large enough I had a level of confidence that I’d be able to meet minimum viable income. So I’m on your side of the fence, I HAVE to pay my own bills.
That’s weird! I replied to this and it’s evaporated! I wanted to say that as far as I’m concerned you’re a success story already. I didn’t know you had a company. You’ve obviously worked out how to do it, so keep on succeeding 🙂
It’s because I have to approve the comments, I used to get hit with a lot of trolls when I was blogging a lot, so I manually approve everything now. Your comment did slip in. And thank you. I’m not where I want to be yet. I have to do some freelance work too to make sure I can pay the bills. But I hope eventually I won’t need to. How are the words coming for you? It’s been so long since I was in the blogging world I don’t know how anyone is now or where they’re all at.
It said at my end too that I hadn’t replied which was strange.
I’m churning the words/books out but still not making any money at it. My hopes are all in my agent getting me a deal because I can’t write and do all the legwork of marketing. You need cash too, and we don’t have any.
I’m very happy for you.
Thank you so much Victoria, I really appreciate the support. 🙂
I always loved your raw honesty. And I always let you know you were a born writer. I remember those days when you couldn’t wait to leave. I’m proud of you girl. Major celebrations in order, Cheers! 🙂 <3
aww thank you Debby, I love that I’ve known you for so long and you saw me right from the start and been there throughout the journey. It’s kind of nice to know that there are people out there that have seen how hard its been and how much it took to get here :). I’m just glad I can come back to blogging again 🙂
We’re thrilled to have you Sach. Continue on girlie, you’re doing fabulous! <3
Thank you for sharing this with us, Sacha. You know I’ve followed your blog for a long time and watched your journey and I am so proud of what you have achieved. You are an inspiration to others, including me, when I get down about how slow my dream is in happening, or how my writing is not good enough, I grit my teeth and carry on, knowing that if you made it, I can to. xxx
Amen sister. Everyone can make it, you just need enough grit. Thank you so much for supporting me all these years, it really does mean the world <3. I hope I get to meet you one day 🙂
Yes! Cheers to you, Sacha! 🙂
Thanks so much Natalie 🙂
It’s certainly my goal to write full time but between working on my PhD, writing for clients, running my blog, and doing the day job, it’s taking me longer than I’d like. But I’m dropping hours at work for the next academic year, giving me back more time to work on my author business, so I’m trying to do this the strategic way!
It’s the only way to do it. It’s safer, logical and less pressure. It’s what I did too. I think I reduced my hours for 1 or 2 years in the end before I quit. I’m right here for you the whole way 😀
Why the hell am I crying at this? You’re so true to yourself and you’re fecking fabulous! I’ve just posted on my blog for the first time in 4 months explaining why I’ve been absent. And why it’s taking me so long to write my first novel. And I sometimes feel inadequate because I often think everyone else can do it in super quick time. But I’m forgetting that they too had to learn first. I’m doing the learning as I’m writing the novel, so yes, it’s taking a long time. And I’m doing it with the help of you and a few others in the circle. When I start developing my villain, I have your 12 Steps to Evil at the ready. I’m signed up for the summit too. Looking forward to it. Think I need a bigger supply of chocolate!
Hi Gloria, I’m so sorry for the delay, I fished this out of spam. Lord knows why so many genuine comments end up in there. But thank you so much for your kind words. I do try to be as raw and truthful as I can. Try not to compare. If your book takes 4 months, 4 years or 4 decades, it’s OKAY. Enjoy the journey and don’t turn it into work. Playing with words is just that, play. I hope you enjoyed the summit. <3
I felt very emotional reading this Sacha as a lot of your thoughts and experiences are my thoughts too. I reckon I’m near burn out too but I’m nowhere near where I can give up my job. All I can hope for is a day in the future when I can write fulltime. I know it will come and for now I have to work ridiculous hours to reach tiny goals that I’ve set myself. Thanks for sharing your inspiring post and being brave. It takes guts. I wish you much success and happiness. 🙂 x
Hi Marje, thank you so much. It was emotional writing it to be honest. PLEASE rest. Honestly, the amount of time it takes to recover from burn out is horrendous. It’s not worth it in the long run.
I freakin love your posts. The honest info is super helpful. I’m working hard to be in the same spot. Its faint, but there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, and your blog posts are incredibly inspiring. Thank you!! Keep on rocking, you’re awesome!
ahhh thank you so much. I’m so glad you enjoy them 😀 I try to be as honest as I can 😀