Writespiration is on hold this week. I’ve been busy potty training. As well as the fact that this month is my target month to complete my manuscript draft of Keepers (and next month I have to finish the edits ready for beta readers) so the blog has well and truly taken a back seat.
I have heaps of comments to approve or reply to, a bunch of personal emails that need tending to and my usual boat load of pre-scheduled posts is in a deficit, so sozberries, right now I’m drowning!
So I thought I would bring you baby black terror tot extraordinaire with his latest lessons in parent training…
Behold, people of the intersquibbles, children, child prodigies, over achievers and toddler villain apprentices, it is I, baby blackas a.k.a terror tot.
I’ve been busy teaching mummy and mama ALL about how potty training really ought to go. So here are my training notes, (I may or may not have tried any or all of these):
When parents throw the P word out there, immediately throw oneself across the floor. Shout “NO” and roll around throwing limbs randomly about the air.
Ensure that the first two attempts at potty training fail. This is easily achievable by throwing the potty across the room and screaming at excessively high decibels and full lung capacity.
n.b. Bend and place hands on knees and take a deep breath to ensure oxygen reaches the bottom of the lungs for extra volume.
When the potty is brought out on the third occasion, smile sweetly and say “I do a poo in da potty”
This lulls parents into a false sense of security.
DO NOT DO A POO IN THE POTTY. EVER.
Refuse adamantly to sit on the potty: biting, punching, kicking and crocodile tears are all valid and most excellent distraction techniques.
Snatch any bribe proffered and launch at precious items such as TV’s, Nespresso coffee makers and walls (walls are a good one, they stain).
Refuse ALL bribes until such times as you break your parents and they give in to you, producing the glorious heaven juice that is glucose high inducing E numbery goodness.
Once sugary goodness has been provided, ensure you do wee in the potty. They are idiots and this will only serve to reinforce to your parents that sugary lumps of joy are the only effective method of training us.
When it comes time for bed and your crown jewels have been dangling loose all day your parents will attempt to replace a nappy on you. They are delusional. Revolt at all costs. FREE THE CROWN JEWELS. REFUSE THE NAPPY.
Run. Run like free Willy swam for the ocean. Escape is the only option.
As punishment for replacing the nappy, keep the poo plug in place until such times as you are placed in bed, kissed and left to sleep. Then its full steam ahead, charge on the poo battle field and shit for England my friends. Take your favourite story book for reading consumption during excretion cycle and poo like you’ve never pooed before.
n.b. stick your hands down any and all soiled nappies. Smear hands EVERYWHERE. Including: bedding, walls and body parts.
Parents think once you have wee’d in the potty a few times it’s safe to leave the house. It is not. Ensure parents put shorts on you. This is important. They will also place pants on you. Hold the pee for as long as toddler bladder allows. Wait until they have locked the front door. Then as they turn around ready to leave begin urination. Urinating in your shorts results in urinating in your shoes.
When parents aren’t looking, hold crown jewels and urinate in secret places, such as: the side of the sofa, behind the door or curtain, next to the bin in the kitchen. The most effective places to tinkle are fabrics such as clothes drawers, wardrobes and cushions.
Last but by no means least potty training gives a prime opportunity to stay up late. Wait until nappy has been replaced and pyjamas put on. Hold out until cuddles have been given, stories read and teeth cleaned. As your parents reach the door and tell you they love you and say night night, shout at full volume “I need a wee wee.”