Category Archives: Rants

Where Are All The LGBT Characters?

Where Are All The LGBT Characters?

Can anyone tell me a blockbuster famous novel they have read with a main character that was either gay or lesbian? Don’t worry, I’ll wait whilst you scratch your head to think… still haven’t thought of one? No. Me neither. Anyone else got an issue with that? Because I really do. Continue reading

The Reading Like a Writer Series #4 Do You Really Need the Classics?

Do you need the classics #4

Don’t judge me…I’m about to admit a really dirty secret… I’ve never read a classic.

shocked

There, I said it. I’m not proud of it, but it’s the truth. I know it’s awful, believe me. But I did say no judging. It frustrates me that I’ve never read a classic, but I just can’t. Oh, I’ve tried, more times than I can count. I have picked up Pride and Prejudice about 16 times! The last time, I even got a third of the way through. In fact, I have tried to read dozens. I mean damn, reading a classic is practically on my bucket list I am so determined to finish one. Continue reading

Writing Tips #12 Sacha Rants About the Third Person POV

third person POV

Sacha hates the third person. And she sits tapping at keys on the keyboard all she can think about are the times she has talked aloud or talked about herself in the third person.

“Everyone says you’re mad if you talk about yourself in the third person,” she exclaimed aloud.

Annoyed Sacha waved her hands angrily in the air. Irritation brewing at the thought of how long (weeks) she has tried to write this post. Her aim, was to write the whole thing in the third person, but as she jabs the keys and her blood slowly begins froths and bubble in frustration, doubt settles in… Sacha isn’t sure she can even write consistently in the third person.

Sacha wonders why some people like writing in the third person. She knows that like everything there are fashions in writing. There has been a fashion for writing in the third person for some time, but the last five years has seen a dramatic turn around with the like of young adult fantasy and dystopian trilogies taking centre stage in the popularity stakes.

And amen to that, Sacha thought.

What provoked Sacha to write this post, was her attempt at reading ‘Uglies’ by Scott Westerfield, a book that has been on her ‘to read’ pile for some time. A book that to all intents and purposes should be right up her alley. But as she read it, she became more and more frustrated at the style of writing. It was, of course, written in the third person.

Of course Sacha isn’t trying to be biased, some of her favourite books are written in the third person. However, this particular book pushed her buttons. So much so, she genuinely screen shot particular passages and had to angrily text them to a friend who had read the book.

“But this just sounds ridiculous,” she whined, “don’t you find the repetition of the name ‘Tally’ annoying and disingenuous?”

The phrases that made her send these messages were something like this:

‘Tally found herself wincing’

‘Tally found she hadn’t forgotten to bring the plate’

Sacha doesn’t want to be mistaken, she actually likes the concept in the book, and is going to attempt to finish it… at some point. But ‘Tally found she hadn’t forgotten to bring the plate’,

“REALLY??” Sacha shouted cringing.

This is the perfect example of why Sacha hates the third person. First of all, why didn’t an editor pick this up? Sacha thought indignantly. Particularly because she has her doubts about whether it’s grammatically correct. It doesn’t exactly flow, Sacha would hope that authors at least attempt to set an example for how young adults should write English.

Enough, Sacha thought, before she ran out of steam writing in the third person. Using someones name seems disingenuous, it’s impersonal. Sacha likes nothing better than feeling like she is in the head of a character. Like she becomes the character. Sacha doesn’t think you can get that as well in the third person. Playing God, and writing like your God, if you write in the third person, is just a bit arrogant if you ask Sacha. Ok, perhaps she’s exaggerating a bit, but you can see her point… just read her overly annoying, written in the third person post!

Daylight Savings Time + Toddlers

Ahhhh, the dreaded clock change that happens twice yearly…. that sacred extra hour you usually get in bed…pre parenthood.

WORST WEEK OF MY LIFE PEOPLE!!!

Babies apparently don’t appreciate this annual gift we are given of extra sleep, in fact, not only do they reject the gift, they completely ignore it, choosing instead to get up at the usual time (now an hour early) the joyous hour of 5am. Fuck the worm, I have never been a morning person. I choose to be a late bird, why oh why did my son not inherit this precious piece of me?!

This was genuinely me trying to get out of bed at 5am to get the boy this morning.

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The thing is, he is doesn’t just affect the morning its also affecting the evening. Instead of going to be at 7, like normal we get to half past 6, and he goes all

angry

Its horrendous. We have tried everything from distraction, to TV, to extra milk, and out and out bribery! nothing is working. So tomorrow we have asked friends to come round to try and distract him between half six and 7, in the vague hope ‘new faces’ might be exciting! sigh. My caffeine intake this week is actually offensive!

Anyone else suffering with Daylight Savings Time?

The Abomination That is Disney!

disney-princess-kida-disney-princess-30168400-2560-1117

The wife has always had a penchant for Disney. I on the other hand barely watched them as a child, preferring to have my head stuck firmly in the pages of dusty old books. Disney came up in conversation again recently – having pushed a small human out – and the fact she wanted to have a large collection of disney films ready for the boy to watch. Sky had a few on demand over Christmas, so we sat down and stuck The Little Mermaid (TLM) on.

I sat, aghast for the entire film. How has disney been able to produce films that are quite simply an abomination. People – and by people I refer to the murky world of ‘parents’ – seem to rave about disney and how good their films are…. Good?

Good – sure, if you count a hideously antifeminist, despicably amoral story that has nothing even remotely like the ethics or values I want my son to grow up with.

I hate to be a mermaid basher so I will start with a positive. Race equality – TLM is a great story about how love is equal across any race, Mermaid loves a human, different races, love conquers all blah, blah, blah, Great – this is a moral I can not only live with, but as a lesbian, actively promote and encourage. I want my child to know they can love whoever they want, no matter their race, creed, gender or otherwise.

The Film:

Issue 1: Ariel falls in love with the prince. – So wrong. She spontaneously falls in love with someone she has never spoken to and mostly just perved on, in a fairly stalkerish way from afar.

Would you encourage your kid to do this? I doubt it. I can already see the injunctions and restraining orders being slapped all over him, because a stupid film told him real love happens by stalking someone for two days. Ok, I am being facetious but you see my point. I would also like to point out I am not suggesting that I don’t believe in love at first sight. More that you need to have a reality check in real life, even if you do fall for someone instantly.
Issue 2: Ariel wants to change herself to be with him.

I hate to go all feminist ranty on you. Actually, I don’t hate it, I love a good feminist rant. In fact, any sort of rant. I digress – BUT don’t we have enough antifeminist-bullshit pressure to conform to the ultra skinny, rib protruding, size of a seven year old, bulimic-anorexic, vomit inducing ‘celebrity look’ society the media loves, without having it force-fed subconsciously to our infants. UGH. No woman…. Actually no man either, should ever have to change themselves to be with someone. Is it just me? Or do we spend hours of our lives giving advice to our perpetually confused friends on their relationships, and why it’s not ok for them to allow their partner to nag them into suppression?

Issue 3: The prince starts to fall for Ariel but then deserts her instantly for a disguised Ursula over something so shallow as her voice! He decides to marry Ursula immediately having spent all of no time getting to know her…

Where do I even start with this. It is not ok to teach my child that they can desert a woman (or man) based solely on a characteristic. Thats akin to suggesting it’s ok to leave their partner if they get fat, or a scar, or a disability. I mean SERIOUSLY. And then to marry the other woman because of that same characteristic, after what 2.5 milliseconds of time spent with said woman… sure thats an outstanding idea. I am positive all parents would approve of their kids doing this.

Issue 4: Instead of Ariel taking her pride and moving on she pandas to the prince and chases after him. 

This makes me want to claw my face off in frustration and resort to excessive amounts of alcohol. How low must her self confidence be to chase after a guy who only likes her because of her voice and will desert her as quickly as he met her for another woman simply because she lost that characteristic.

Issue 5: After all that the prince goes back to Ariel dumping Ursula and THEN kills Ursula just for good measure.

Now I just feel awkward. No one wants to date a psychopath, and lets be honest, the prince is looking more and more like a psychopath; with emotions unnecessarily fickle, and an assumption that it’s ok to off your ex…

Despite the fact I am resolute in knowing TLM is morally wrong, it’s not like theres anything better on the market. I think I may have to go investigate the other films!

Quarantine for you 'fatty'

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Friday was…utterly ridiculous. I went to my GP just to see what this itch was all about, because it was intolerable, but I assumed that it was just eczema because the midwife had said it was nothing the week before. Anyway – the GP was having none of it and decided that I needed to go straight into hospital and have blood tests – for Obstetric Cholestasis

For Information OC is:

Obstetric cholestasis (OC), also called intrahepatic cholestasis of pregnancy (ICP), is a potentially serious liver disorder that can develop in pregnancy. Normally, bile salts flow from your liver to your gut to help you digest food. In obstetric cholestasis, the bile salts don’t flow properly and build up in your body instead. There’s no cure for OC, but it clears up once you’ve had your baby.Some studies have found that babies of women with OC are more likely to be born prematurely or to be stillborn. It’s not known how much higher the risk of stillbirth is compared to women who don’t have OC. There is no reliable way to work out your baby’s individual risk of stillbirth.

I rocked up to hospital and was basically immediately quarantined – they weren’t sure if I had chicken pox or OC – neither of which are great news – they drew blood decided to give me a CTG ( monitoring the babies heart rate) – which they then thought showed a deceleration, so I was then re-monitored and had to sit with the CTG monitor bands on my itchy rash wrapped round my belly for over an hour – I was becoming more and more displeased with the situation! We had gone in at 3pm and at 10pm there were STILL no blood test results. They didn’t want to release me as they had said that if the tests came back positive they were going to induce me there and then.

Do you know my major concern at this point… as pathetic as it sounds… try not to judge me… but I hadn’t shaved!! I didn’t want to be induced and have hairy legs – not if I was able to have a pool birth! ridiculous the things you worry about when your panicking!!

Anyway – I decided that we would leave hospital because the wife hadn’t eaten for over 12 hours and I had, had just about enough of all the fuss. Suffice to say the results all came back fine and I didn’t need inducing at all – and do you know what they gave me… a bloody piriton – PIRITON – an allergy drug I could have bought over the bloody counter at the local supermarket HOURS before. The irritating thing is my best mate ( a doctor) diagnosed me with PEP (polymorphic eruption of pregnancy) about an hour into me sitting in hospital – all she got was a couple of tidbits of information over a text no exam or anything – sigh – if only she had been able to be my doctor!!

PEP is: a relatively common skin disorder that occurs in women of childbearing age. It usually presents in women during their first pregnancy. Recurrence in subsequent pregnancies is unusual and milder.

It is characterised by an itchy rash that commonly begins on the abdomen, particularly within stretch marks (striae). It most usually develops during late pregnancy (third trimester) 

Basically a really annoying itchy rash – delightful, one of the other lovely ailments caused in pregnancy!! Suffice to say the itchy is subsiding now I have the piriton but the rash is spreading – and is now on my thighs 🙁

Today was officially my last day at work – I know I finished over a week ago but I had to go in today for half a day for a conference that my team had organised. Half day – so left at about 1 /1:30 and between 9:30 and 1:30 I had no less than 6 people comment on my size…

some of the most ridiculous inducing:

“alright fatty”

“woah im not being rude, but your fucking huge”

“oh you’ve put on weight since I last saw you” “hahaha”

How is “alright fatty” a bloody greeting ??? Why (a women no less) think that it was acceptable to greet another women in that way? irrespective of being pregnant. Just infuriates me. I don’t think I’m that fat? I don’t think I have put on that much weight, but all the constant comments are really starting to get to me, no one ever says anything nice, only comments about how huge I am. I am trying really hard to stay positive, but I am still a girl and I am still sensitive about my weight and its really not nice hearing people comment on how massive you are CONTINUOUSLY – even if the cause is pregnancy.

🙁

 

You Know Your Pregnant When…

SO, the whole denying that I am pregnant is becoming increasingly difficult… I wanted to share with you some reasons why I cant really deny I am pregnant any more…

1. You know your pregnant when… You ask your partner for the 20th day running if you look pregnant or fat in this outfit, and they no longer answer, they just roll their eyes and stay silent!

2. You know your pregnant when… you get up for the 5th time in the night to do a pee…

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3. You know your pregnant when another one of your inconsiderate mates asks you if you got ‘fat’ yet and you want to punch them in the face instead of correcting them.

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4. You know your pregnant when… you exclaim that you have nothing in your wardrobe and for once its true, because everything is too tight.

5. You know your pregnant when… you’ve eaten curry for the third time this week and your wondering if you can get away with eating it for breakfast.

curry

 

 

6. You know your pregnant when… you have just made curry and think that putting grate cheese on it seems like a good idea.

7. You know your pregnant when… you develop narcoleptic tendencies at completely inappropriate times – like the middle of a meeting.

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8. You know your pregnant when… you sat at your office desk all day, and when you get into bed your feet are STILL swollen.

Thought I would share these little delights that I am going through at the moment, and are keeping me amused!

Coming out the Pregnancy Closet

having a baby

 

So, last week, we got the all clear, I have to apologise for not writing for over a week, but this week has been ridiculous.

We are moving a week today, so we have been packing up the house, I had an interview this week… which I am delighted to say I got the job!! so will be graduating off the training scheme shortly – plus I get another pay rise! #win The job is also located where I will be moving too so I can walk to work!

This week, I also had to deliver a board report, and a presentation – this is besides all the packing and prep for job interviews and also an assignment which I haven’t done and had to ask for an extension #fail.

Alas, I now have a chest infection – not great when your 13 weeks pregnant. Not only a chest infection but swollen glands, a throat like cut glass, and a soaring temperature. SO the doc has had to put me on antibiotics, and I am laid up in bed feeling spectacularly sorry for myself.

We spent the weekend telling everyone – mostly shouting the baby news from the roof tops. It was great, so nice to get some positivity and a chance to be excited about the baby.

However, what did annoy me was the repetitive stream of questions about the donor. Now don’t get me wrong, I am very very grateful to the donor, for donating his sperm. I truly am, there isn’t enough thank you’s in the world for him. BUT that is it.

It is our baby, our family, our unit.

The first question out of everyones mouth was “Oh, congrats, so how did you do it”

or

“Oh congrats, so who’s the donor”

How about fuck off. DO you ask a straight couple how they got pregnant ? No you don’t, because its rude. I know that not everyone knows how you get pregnant as a lesbian, but surely it doesnt take a fucking genius to work it out. Somewhere down the line sperm has to be involved. I am a married lesbian, so its not like I’m going to go fuck a guy IS IT? So how the fuck do you think I got pregnant.

Ok, I will stop ranting and swearing now! – Sorry, but it really got my goat this weekend.

I dont understand why people can’t be just the slightest bit considerate.

They could say “Oh wow, congrats thats amazing, I hope you don’t mind me asking, as I have never experienced lesbian friends having children, do you mind telling me about the process?”

Do you know what I mean? Thats much less rude, and inconsiderate. I know people are going to be curious as its not a common occurrence, but does it really have to be the first thing out their mouths? cant they ask how the wife’s feeling or if we have any names??

I duno, I just felt aggrieved by the whole thing because EVERYONE asked. Family, friends, the lot. It sort of rained on our parade a bit. So now I have a bee in my bonnet and the next person to ask is going to get a mouthful of shitty answers and snot thrown back at them!!

Right, I am off to fall into a deep sleep coma!!

The Insanity of W.A.I.T.I.N.G

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So I am an idiot,

I took a test yesterday (9 days post ovulation) thats far too early right? well, I took it and it was negative 🙁

I am now 10 days post ovulation, and I am going to try and wait until the day AF is due. She’s due Saturday. It’s only Wednesday…. I am guessing I shouldn’t test until at least Friday? maybe Saturday morning.

I am just disappointed. I thought because I only have 13 days between my ovulating and coming on that I would implant quicker and therefore show up as pregnant quicker. I guess thats not the case.

well, fuck science. I am going silently mad here.

If it does come out negative… what do I do?? keep trying?

ugh. I am going to be so disappointed.

I am trying to stay positive. But being positive means symptom spotting, and then me turning myself inside out mentally, and then feeling negative. This is a ridiculous insane vicious circle. I JUST WANT TO KNOW if it worked and if im pregnant 🙁

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH.

The Old Boys Club of Women's Intuition

intuition-women

 

in·tu·i·tion

/ˌint(y)o͞oˈiSHən/

Noun
  1. The ability to understand something immediately, without the need for conscious reasoning.
  2. A thing that one knows or considers likely from instinctive feeling rather than conscious reasoning.

 

Women’s intuition is a really funny thing. It reminds me a little of an old boys club.

Most, but not all women have exceedingly good intuition. It’s a frighteningly powerful tool we use to seek out ‘wrongs’ or ‘no good’ but sometimes to seek out things we must do, or prevent.

Women generally like to over analyse everything, I am the ultimate example of an over analyser. It’s painfully annoying I hate myself for it, but I simply can’t help it.

I regularly sit around with my friends debating this ‘hunch’ I have, or a feeling I got when so and so looked at Billy bob in a strange way, and now I’m convinced that such and such is happening.

These discussions are highly secretive! If Billy Bob or whoever it was they were looking at were to interrupt or pass by, then hushed silences would fall over us, or indiscrete hand gestures would be thrown around the conversation bringing us to a rather undiplomatic silence.

The thing is our intuition tends to grow with our friends. One of my friends and I in particular, have a strange ability to throw a single look at each other, make one teeny facial expression and convey an entire conversation in an instant.

In fact I might only need to utter a single word or even half a syllable, and she will be nodding enthusiastically saying “mmm hmm, I thought so too”

Not that we would want to admit it, but we women are harbouring ourselves and our intuition in old boys clubs.

My point about this, is, we do strange things. We instinctively know when something’s wrong, when someone’s cheated on us or stabbed us in the back.

I pick up my phone a millisecond before it rings knowing its a particular friend.

And then…. Then there’s the really weird intuition, the intuition about our body’s….

If we pay just a tiny amount of attention to our body we can know all sorts of weird things.

Two months running I knew exactly when I was about to ovulate. So I got up and tested myself and got a positive result…

This month in particular was such a strong sensation that I sat bolt upright and just “knew” even though it wasn’t when I ought to have tested.

Women know things. We do. And we use them to do special, amazing and impossible things.

I think that I knew, I must of. My body must of told me to take that fertility test all those months ago. Something deep down an intuition, an inkling – that despite all the dismissals from the wife and doctors saying I was wasting my money- that I needed to take that test to prove I needed to do something now.

Why else would I of gone against professional advice?

The thing that I love about these boys clubs is that all the women around you coo and cluck in agreement affirming your suspicions because they too ‘had a feeling’ or simply understand because they’ve been there before.

We have an ability to know when you meet someone for the first time if they are a good egg or a bad egg.

I can reel off numerous examples of meeting someone – take another one of my friends, she had this new girlfriend that I took an instant disliking to for no apparent reason. I mean, I met the poor girl for a couple of hours, and immediately hated her. I couldn’t tell my friend why, either. I just didn’t like her.

Turns out the bitch was a psycho, and because I’m a good friend I didn’t say ‘I told you so’ !

In fact, my instinct is so acutely sensitive one of the wife’s best mates asked me to go to dinner with his new girlfriend to suss out whether or not she was worth hanging on for.

Turns out I didn’t like her either, and as it happened, she was a bad egg too.

Sometimes, we just know.

What I am hoping, is that I will know if I’m pregnant before I can test in two weeks… After the insemination yesterday two weeks of waiting is a seriously long time. It’s going to kill me. I’m impatient at the best of times but waiting two weeks for something this important is literally torture.

Maybe I’m over analysing because I’m desperate for a ‘sign’ but seriously…

We know shit right?? Sometimes you can know?!

God I hope so because otherwise it’s going to be a fucking long two weeks!!